Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Content on Christmas

I sit here on the lanai. Content. My two little angels at my feet. And I do something I like to do now and then. I proceed to read my spiritual journal. I read about where I was a year or more ago. I was then, in a spiritual "waiting room" wondering where my destiny would take me. Always in gratitude for what God gives me. I was in limbo. I still sort of am. But since then, I started a new job, a job that was the delight of my heart and now a reality. Because of this awesome job I have moved to Florida! of all places! In my writings of a year ago, this was not a single thought or option. But here I am. Unfortunately,
it hasn't been the successful trip I wanted it to be, but maybe that was not what was in the cards any way. One goal was accomplished in my life. The woman and personality that my daughter dislikes. The very actions and personality she sees in me that she is so against---At least she did not grow up and take on the same traits. That was my goal. That she not be like me. I think destiny is telling me my work here is done. I like Florida but I don't know what the hell I am doing here now. 
So I am ending the year having learned and accomplishing much this year! 
The anticipation of 2013! I direct my new year to be filled with ease and joy and bliss. I am in a place (both physically and spiritually) that is by far so much better that where I was a year ago. I have my heart centered and in the right place. As always, Thank you God for my awesome life. Thank you for bringing me this far in my path. Where I continue, I wait for your guidance. Today, I relish where I am now. I miss my friends and up North so much sometimes. I don't know tho, if returning would be a good idea. It would be going backward maybe. I need to get out more, explore more thats for sure! 

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Christmas dinner

So I am reading my book by Denise and Meadow Linn The Mystic Cookbook. About food and spirituality and alchemy. I am in the very beginning and they are discussing childhood foods. And I started to think about my favorite childhood foods, which of course were the fabulous foods my mother made for me.The house smelled of garlic and ginger and bay leaves and the windows were all steamed up and a bottle of Pepsi accompanied all our meals!  Panciet was the  best! How I loved panceit and how I don't make it often. As a matter of fact the only 2 times I tried to make it since my mother died over 20 years ago was for my BROTHER!!  I made it for him. The last time I made it for him and his family and my daughter. I gave them the recipes so that they could carry on their grandmother’s tradition. My one niece didn't even show up for the dinner. If this isnt some kind of a sign of me trying to reach out to my family, to try to do something nice I don't know what is. ohhhhh But I am the bad person of the family. I know I sound like a broken record, but if I dont reach out to my family well, then I never hear from them. I don’t ever recall anyone in my family trying to do something nice like this for me. Ever.

So this Christmas I will make panciet for myself. At least my mother will be with me in spirit. 

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Return to home

Destination unknown at this point. Coming back from a business trip I could not wait to see my boys. They are my home. They are the only joy in my life right now and I thank God for my precious little souls. They have been on every adventure with me. My touchstones. They bring me into my heart, they make me laugh. They comfort me when I cry. 

I have friends I cherish with my whole heart that I miss terribly. But I feel I need to be on this journey for now, I am open to what God has in store for me. I trust he knows what I need. He has guided me correctly so far. As long as I have my little loves I can  go where ever God leads me.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Another Brick in the wall

So no I am not giving up easily. You would love to think that because it is more important for you to be right than any thing else. I am just smart enough to know you can't move a brick wall. I am trying to do things that my parents never taught me how to do when I was growing up. I tried. But you can only run into a wall and go splat so many times. There is no door on that wall. And maybe I am wrong to try to change things. Maybe it is not my place to think I can just waltz in and expect any thing. I have struggled very very hard the last many years to change my self and my life and to head down a spiritual path and so many times have fallen off the path to get back on. And I keep getting back on the path even tho things inbred in me just grab me like long fingered tentacles to come back, come back to that black hole soul life, it was so much fun Cyndie, being selfish and the center of bad peoples attention! Believe me! It can get frigging lonely being good and spiritual! But I get back on path, even tho it means being painfully alone every day and every night. But I sleep good, I have no demons to creep into my dreams. I have a quiet conscience that sleeps in thunder. It is because of this spiritual path that I can no longer subject myself to being the scapegoat, the person that needs to be punished. I can't have someone constantly label me as my past over and over again. Especially when some of your memories of me are so completely wrong and one sided. Maybe the best thing I can do is let you live your life with out me. Let you go on because it is a good life for you. I would only complicate things for you any way. I would be a wrong shaped brick in your very nicely conformed wall. I choose to stay away from negativity to stay on my path. And making myself the constant bad guy so you can be right and justified will eventually wear me down. I have worked too hard to pull my feet out of that muddy ground. I can't move walls. And I see no doors. 

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Wildlife Weekend

Oh you know how I love the animals so! I thought this would be a wonderful weekend outing, staying over night at Busch Gardens! Taking photo's of the animals on safari and at night. 
It was quite special. The people were interesting. I learned that I do NOT want to become an overweight bitchy old woman. It's just pictures people, so someone gets in your way. GEZ. 

But that wasn't the the real reason for the slight disappointment. All in all it was a fun experience and I am glad I went. I did get a "Fun Pass" so I can go back as much as I want until Dec 2013. It was really awesome to see the majestic and beautiful animals. To feed and touch the giraffes. Yes, I wanted to take the baby home with me. He followed our truck with that "hey, don't leave me!" look. 

The more I wandered around the vast Gardens, I noticed that the animals were all about feeding time. It was their only existence,  to wait for food. To eat food. Everything was based on feeding time. It just seemed really sad. To see the otters actually begging for their little morsels of fish. 
The animals paced. Even tho their surroundings were large and natural to a point. They all paced. Waiting for lunch. The anteater wore a path around the perimiter of its large cage. As if it has OCD, it walks the walls non-stop. It was sad to see. I felt like I was viewing a room in a mental institution and the anteater was walking walking walking. Even a small stream did not stop him, it was part of his "path"

This is the look of a beautiful majestic tiger, watching for the keepers to throw some meat. Waiting, watching. 

We started Sunday around 2pm, took photos, and we had a sunset and a sunrise safari on the truck. We also took a  night time hike through the park when it was closed which  was pretty awesome! The next day, after I left the group for good,  it took me from 10 am to 4pm to walk around the park and see the whole thing! It really is a great park. I just am not sure how I feel about the animals being there. Yes they are safe and will live a good life. But is this life? I wonder, my dogs are domesticated. But they were bred to be taken care of. They would not do well in the wild. Am I wrong too? I have a never ending large love for all animals. I relate to them much more than I would real people. On this  adventure, I was not real fond of most of the people on safari with me. Some of the women were really very nice. We chatted, small talk. A few of the men were nice too. But all in all, it just reinforced my experience that men are totally selfish and ignorant. If we were in cars I am pretty sure I would have been cut off many times. And women tend to get bitchy in their old age. I caught myself wanting to be a turtle and pull in my head and arms and close them and all society out. To be alone with just myself and my dogs. 

Wow! What a revelation I just got. Maybe I was a turtle in my old life. Because I do carry my home around with me and move around a lot. I do like to hide in my shell more than make the effort to be with people. Its such a CHORE!  And well, yep, the hard shell. It is almost impossible to break through to my hard shell. If I don't want you to reach me, believe me, you won't. 
I did get some really great photos tho. I love my new camera. Maybe in time I can learn to crack a little and socialize a little more. 

Because I am looking for a mate. I will make room for a mate and I will change some of my solitary ways for the right person. 

Sunday, November 04, 2012

I am done defending myself

I am a good person. Trying to do the best I can in my spiritual journey.  I am not perfect  and I know the person I used to be had many issues. But I refuse to keep negativity in my current life by continuously trying to defend myself for my past, especially when people have limited and obviously distorted memories themselves. I will only apologize for what I know are FACTS. Your family has a history of twisting history to their advantage, and we all know if you keep telling lies you start to believe it as a true story. Get your facts straight. And this I say to my blood family. There is a reason I got away from this pack. Survival instincts. 

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Calendar Pages

November 1st already. I save all my calendar pages. I don't know why. As I was turning my calendar page, I looked back. This particular calendar started at my desk at Fidelis. I started the year working at Fidelis, living in Lyndonville, went to Florida in March and somehow fell in love with it. Had a phone interview on the drive home from Florida and the company moved so quickly, I was suddenly working from home, at yet another dream job. In Lyndonville. 
Lyndonville suddenly got very small when you are there every day. My landlord pressured me on deciding if I want to buy the house. When it came right down to it. I could not. I knew that the area had served its purpose for my spiritual growth. But it was time to point my face to the sun. Signs and nudges pushed me like a sailboat in the wind to Sarasota. And just like the wind, once their jobs were done, the winds died down and were no longer. 
Which for me is good. I am very adaptable. I can meander like a brook to get where I need to be. I love where I am. I love the anticipation and the possibilities. I just need to make some friends because it can also get very lonely. This area is certainly conducive to bringing your pet along for lunch dates. But I would like a little more conversation. I no longer have or want the option to meet new friends at bars. Drinking and bar friends are not a life style I choose any more. I want to get out and about. I have another photography class tonite. I know that is a great path that I chose. I hope it leads me to many avenues I have never considered. 
Two more months left in this year. Who knows what I may be adding to the rest of my days.....

My lunch date at Cha Cha Coconuts

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

My first lesson

Can you see Tycho crater? I started taking photography lessons!  I originally bought my Sony Cybershot camera because someone else on Facebook took a remarkable picture of the moon. I was so inspired!  Well, I knew the camera was a powerful camera, but I did not realize how much until my first lesson last night. I took a private lesson first, so I could get to know what my camera was all about and what it can do! It can do a lot!  Oh I am going to have so much fun with this! Wait till you see! 
I believe this was spirit led. The camera, the lessons. A new way for me to look at life. To see more detail. Even tho I work as a techie. I have always known that I have some issues with seeing the fine detail of things. I gloss over things all the time. I wave away the finer details of life. I need to slow down and get lost in the minutiae of life.
Also, it is something new and challenging and fun to do. A challenge to learn. A great way of getting to know my new surroundings! I love this new adventure. 
So besides my private lesson, I am signed up for the 4 part Digital Photography classes. But the best class of all? Saturday we sleep over at Busch Gardens like we are on a safari on a teaching photography class! How awesome is that? There was mention of a Sunset class. There are also numerous walking classes. I think this will be an ongoing thing for me.  We talked about the things I like to photograph. I mentioned that I like to take outdoor, nature and animal photos. It was immediately suggested that I should join them when they go to Maine when they go for a photo destination trip. I laughed. I told him I just moved to Florida and I am not ready to head back up north just yet!

Candy my pretty???

Ready for Halloween

Monday, October 22, 2012

I complete me

I complete Me.
All the balance I need, I am now finding it in me.
All the Love in the Universe is being channeled by me.
I am my better half and my other half.
I love my company.
I can be absolutely true to myself about what I love and what I want.
I completely forgive myself for being ‘different’.
I completely love Me for all my tiny and big desires.
I fulfill all my needs.
Everything I need has found its way to me Now. I accept it all as gifts from the Divine.
The Divine in me, I worship Thee. –especially in a state of Prayer 
I love and embrace the totality of my Being.
I love and accept completely the totality of my Creations.
I acknowledge the beauty of my Being.
I am Divine. You are Divine. We are Divine. All is Divine.
… additions by Nithya Shanti…….
All I need is within me now.
I am happy to be me.
I am right here.
This is really me.
I am me.
I do it.
I decide.
I am Source.
I Am.

Change me divine beloved into one who knows without doubt my own worthiness. Let me always know i never need convince anyone of my value. 
Change me  into someone who trusts that the right solutions  to every perceived need or problem are already selected.
Change me into someone who can be  guided with ease.
I am carried and guided by divine grace in every moment and change me into one
Who knows my true nature is love itself and so it is.  

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Say hello to my little friend.....

He's back! After the loud squawking noises I turned around to see the red winged hawk flying away. I didn't see my little squirrel friend for almost a week. I thought for sure the hawk had feasted on my little friend.  I was a little sad. And then yesterday there he was! And he brought 4 other friends! There is a lot of terrific wild life in Florida. I miss my humming birds at the feeder, but I have Heron's and Cranes and a Hawk that visit regularly. How awesome is that? 

I went to the Bradenton Riverwalk grand opening this Thursday. Its a beautiful park. They have pet friendly water fountains, and outdoor restaurants on old Main street downtown. That  is where I am heading today, with Jeffery.  I can only take one dog at a time if I want to keep control. Next week I will take Jasper. 

Despite some setbacks when I got here. I miss my good friends back home, but we have discovered how Skype and FaceTime bring each other right into our homes and kitchens for coffee in the morning. Its like you are right there! 

It has been a little lonely, but I still love it here. I am just getting into my groove. Still figuring things out. I just have to be more creative in my adventures. 

Farmers Markets, Festivals, 5K races, concerts and outdoor restaurants. I am still having a blast! 

Friday, October 12, 2012

I ran across the bridge

It sounds like an affirmation or the title to a book. I should write the book. I ran across the John Ringling Bridge on Tuesday.  It seems when ever I need to forget something or run from my demons, I run. OH boy do I run. It felt really good to run across this bridge. I even did the Rocky Balboa fist pumps at the apex in the middle on the way back. And I sweat! It is so friggin hot here in Florida so I certainly sweat. I sweat out toxins in my body that needed to get out. There are so many things in my brain, my body that I need to get out and wash down the drain. I am such an ASININE self sabotaging idiot that really really needs to get the biggest kick in my ass. It has gotten to the point where I just cannot drink any more. Not a drop. Because when I do I put on my ASS hat. I do things I cannot believe I have done when I wake up the next day. It is like there is this tortured black hearted soul that just comes out and says. What is the WORSE thing I can do right now to fuck up my life? OMG that's perfect!!!  But I have stooped to my absolute lowest of the low. I have lashed out at innocent people. Aren't they all tho? The people that I contact on the internet? My weapon of choice. 
90% of my life has been so wonderful and good and spiritually awakened. But the other 10%. And it is the most important 10% that should be at the top. I fucked up royally. I have self imposed myself to my hermit-dom for now. Not to figure out why I do it, but to just stay away from the public and read books on alcoholism, sobriety and more spirituality. Not that it will ever fix the latest things that  I have done. Maybe part of this is because I do everything alone. Being alone all the time is so painful for me. If I just had someone...... I wake up in the middle of the night wondering why I should still exist any more? I have sabotaged everything good in my life. I don't deserve forgiveness at this point. I deserve a pointed finger and a You selfish asshole!!!

So I do exist. Nothing I can do about it right now. So I run. I run across this bridge. Each step stomping on my soul. God dam you Cyndie. God dam you. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

NOW I got it!!!

The first few weeks I was here I had it AALLLLLLL wrong! And I really should have known better! Wasn't it me who said here a little while ago - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting something different!

When I first moved here I thought, well what better way to meet the locals and make some friends than, yep, going to a bar! Ha ha ha ha ha I laugh now. I did go to SKOB (Siesta Key Oyster Bar a few times my first two weeks here and yes I talked to interesting people......interesting DRUNK people! It was the same old, same old! Oh yeah, the stupid emailing stupid people from my past. And I really was VERY over Jeffery but when he came to visit me last month just before  I moved to Florida it just threw all my senses into a tizzy. I forgot everything I learned in my spiritual deep dive.  But then reading one of my books just a couple days ago, the author suggested, even if you are not with someone you love any more,
you can still FEEL that love, feel how it feels, just don't attach it to a person. So they said, drop down into your heart and just feel what that love for that person feels like.
Well, I did, I tried, and I tried again. I didn't feel any love for Jeffery. I didn't feel it at all. Did I ever love him then? Was it just a habit? So DONE with that chapter in my life.

So here I AM!!!  I moved to Sarasota Florida!!! Thanks to my NEW job I am able to move! I rented a beautiful home! New state! Everything is new! New Start! So why the heck am I going back to OLD habits? Thank God I realized this early!! 

So it is time to refresh and renew. I have been eating really healthy! I do yoga or walk the dogs in the morning. At lunch I run 2 miles, trying to increase as I move on. I then do the Tracy Anderson work out. If i don't do any of that at lunch I just found an awesome place to work out! It is called Pure Barre it may look tame but I was sweating like a dainty little piggy! 
I actually found the place yesterday when I took myself to the Yogurt place next door. I saw all these beautiful Stepford like women leaving. I thought it was just a yoga clothing store! 
So I researched it online and the reviews were amazing. So today I joined! Something to look forward to.  I also found a Hot Yoga place 20 minutes away too! I am ALSO going to join that! And Crunch Fitness is down the street as well. So I am hoping to keep busy with all these great workouts, run some 5Ks, go to drumming circles, eat healthy and also treat my awesome boys with at least 1 walk a day. 
They are my constant rocks that help me stay grounded in a new city and state. Yes, sometimes I get scared being some place new, but they look at me with those eyes, no matter where we are, those "so where is my treat? eyes. They don't care where we are.
I do! I absolutely LOVE it here. Finally! A move just for MYSELF!!!!  I just need to stay healthy and not revert back to those useless old ways that never did a thing for me!!! As soon as I can walk! All this working out.........hurts so good!!!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Learning to love

One of the most significant things I learned about myself during my winter of soul searching was that as a child my family, whole family abandoned me in so many ways. But even so, I cannot and will not use that as an excuse. I will rise above it. I will rise above watching my father beat my mother when she was pregnant, causing her to have many miscarriages. 
Forget at 4 years old clinging to my mother in the front seat of the car while my father tried to push her out of a moving vehicle. Forget my father finally leaving us, only to pick us up every Sunday to drop us off at Gramma's so he can go be with his girlfriends. 
I will not be victimized by the fact that his whole family turned their back on me so that I grew up not knowing my cousins, my aunts and my uncles. I had no sense of family. 
I will rise above the fact that I was raised by a mother who did not know this country's ways, but she did the best that she could for us. She really did. She really did not show me what a true mother daughter relationship was. All I can remember since I was small was that she somehow was hoping she could make money off me, she sent me to so many schools, dancing, acting, charm school and modeling schools. She was so disappointed in me because I never became famous and rich for her. Her mantra was always, marry a rich doctor. I will not blame her for favoring my brother over me all the time. Even to the point of hiding food from me to give only to him. 
Yep I could really wallow in all this abandonment. And maybe I did in the beginning of my life. I did so many things wrong because I had no one in my life to teach me how to love my family. Now I have learned how to love the people that mean so much to me. I created my own family. They may not be blood relation but I love these people fiercely. I am still learning but I think I am doing so much better than I did in my early life. It may be too late to save any relationships with my real family. It may be too late to ever be a real mother to my daughter. The most important thing in my life to me now is to try to be "something" to my daughter. A friend, a supporter, someone she can trust. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done it my life. And it is the most important. More important than anything or anyone in my life. I will not give up. What I don't know, I will learn. I want to listen and to be there. I will be there.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Last Train Out of Town

Friday I had dinner with three of my closest friends. I cherish and love them dearly. Katherine, Barb and Terri. You see before you 4 awesome women. All single because we will not settle for any thing but exactly what we deserve. Yes, we can be intimidating because we can take care of ourselves, we are financially stable and well, the one thing that scares most men away--- We will not accept bad behavior! We will not accept disrespect. 

Our last toast together was:

I want a man that is going to chase me like I am the Last Train Out of Town!!!!!!!

I get contacted a lot  but not by any available men. But I am very hopeful and confident that soon I will be meeting some vibrant single men where I am going.  I am sure of it!!! Can't wait. 
This time I will do everything right. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I feel trapped

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't go out and take a walk in the neighborhood. If I do venture out its like a 30 mile drive to any where with stores and restaurants.
When I first moved here I had such hopes and dreams of love and moving to the country!
And then in a matter of months my dreams and heart deflated. I set my hopes on a flimsy foundation. I should have known better, I know. The next 2 years I spent healing, spiritually searching for the reasons why I would think loving a man like this was a good idea. If he didn't respect me I certainly must not have respected myself. So I built 
trust within myself. I dredged the deepest parts of my soul for reasons and answers to why I 
did the things I did all my life. I spent months pouring over books and podcasts on how to 
understand my shadow, on how to reveal my darkest fears and I faced so many of them. I 
cried and clawed my way out of my nightmares. I confronted ghosts and really learned a lot
about myself. About where I came from. And now about where I need to go. 
I figured out why security meant so much to me. It was not the house or car or material things.
It was the security. I grew quite a bit since that cold March day I drove through a snow storm with my little Chevy Tracker filled with boxes and belongings to this house. Since then this house has lost its sparkle. This town has lost its gleam. This is not the kind of town or area for a single woman. There are no opportunities to meet any eligible nice single men here. And this town treats attractive single women like the plague for sure! The women will not befriend me and well, the men who are not available? Ha ha ha they sure have contacted me! They tried any way. Not by any invitation from me, that's for sure. I don't want a man that cheats on his wife or girlfriend. Big red flag!!! 
So I just wait. Just a few more days. A little over a week and I am soooooo out of here. 
Yes I am moving again. Out of Lyndonville. Sorry to say, I won't look back on this town with fond memories. There were none. 

Me? Oh I am on a new adventure! I look forward to this adventure with my new eyes, my new confidence. I am a different woman now and what I have to offer is spectacular and beyond substance. I am real. I am vital. The next wonderful available man (or men) that cross my path in the near future are in for a real treat. I plan to enjoy myself immensely while searching for the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Now that I have spiritually done allot of work on myself, I am now capable to pick the RIGHT man, and sustain a loving relationship. Oh I KNOW it will take work and I am not afraid of that. I know what it takes to sustain a good relationship now. I can't wait to get started.........

I will post pics of my new place as soon as I am all moved in.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Big big changes

Life throws curve balls at you and you can catch em and throw em back, or duck and hope they miss you. But they boomerang back when you think you doged that bullet. This time I caught that bullet in my teeth! I was striving so hard for something I thought I wanted and needed, and I was so sure and literally so close! But something in me had a feeling, so I said, if this doesn't happen it will break your heart. So I needed a back up plan that would pick me up and console me, and I created one. But the more I researched my Back up plan the more I didn't really want my first goal to happen. If it did I would be so isolated and stuck in a dead end town. And then it happened, it fell through. I was dealt the blow of No. But I didn't feel bad. Not bad at all. So it is on to plan B. Full steam ahead. And it will be vibrant, and thriving! Exhilarating healthy and happy. It's what I should have done a long time ago. This time I am doing it for ME!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My Past Won't let me be a GOOD person

Man if you read this blog from the beginning you will see that YES I am not perfect, I have made mistakes BIG ONES. I was an AWFUL AWFUL person but these pages are filled with me trying my best to be better and over come. 

Yes the most important thing in my life, my daughter. I have lost. It is the biggest regret of my life! It was all my fault. I have no excuses. But thank God she grew up well and has a good life. If she grew up with me, she would be along side me writing blogs about how fucked up her life was and how she cant cope with people.

I dont expect to be in her life now. I just want her to live a good life. I think I make her feel awkward when I am around any way. She doesnt know how to explain me to her friends. I am an embarrassment. And thats is ok.

My family and everyone in my past seems to like to keep me in the past. They seem to want to not give me any benefit of the doubt. They will not acknowledge that I am not the same. And beleive me I have reached out so many times. I seem to be the only one that reaches out. Why is it me that has to always reach out? No one calls me or invites me to holidays or birthdays. I would go. Yes I know its MY FAULT I been a hermit. But so things cant change?

Everyone else is allowed to be dysfunctional and awful and they are accepted over and over. But not me. I make one or two set backs and everything I have done to do better gets erased. I am TIRED of always being the one that has to reach out. To go visit. Why cant anyone come visit ME?????????

Why is Sheila allowed to freak out driving on thruways, but I cant? At least KNOWING that I freak out I still made the effort. Why cant my brother drive to visit me????? No so if I dont go visit him at his house then I am the bad person. I dont see him inviting me to any holidays. I am alone on all holidays. No one calls and tells me to come. No I make a turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas and eat by myself with my friggin dogs cuz no one else invites me. 

All that being said, I think I do ok not having any family that wants to be around me. I dont revert to my family history of alcoholism and drink myself silly. No, I try to live a healthy life in spite of it. I make a family with my few friends and dogs and I have a good job.


But I sure as hell am not sorry for having a good life now. In spite of the fact that my real family wants to keep me chained to the past.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Day 8 of 30

Back on the horse! Did another Clara Roberts-Oss class. She keeps me on the mat longer. I did yoga, I read
my yoga book. I did not work out at lunch, instead after a few conference calls, I could not stand it any more and I went to the hot dog stand down the street and had a caramel sundae. And it was really gooooooood.
Work is getting really productive now, and I am getting more organized, more knowledgeable and doing more to take over as lead in 3 of my projects! 

Day 5 and 6

Day 5 I found a new teacher on myyogaonline site. Clara Roberts-Oss. I really like her classes. I am not a big fan of a gazillion sun salutations so she just gets right into it and in different hip and heart opening poses.
Of course on day 6 I knew I would be in corpse pose all day. Drinking all night at the Weber Lake party with 4 bands? Yeah, Katherine and I didn't even go home till after 1 am. It was fun and well worth it. I am a light weight, always was, always will be and the day after drinking I will always be found on the couch or in bed the whole next day.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Day 4 of 30

Restorative Yoga for today. Because I over did it with the Insanity work out and had beer and wine last night in a friends fab backyard garden .

Change. I never thought I was going to move again. I have moved so many times, but this time I moved here with the intention of being here permanently.  I accepted the fact that I would drive 44 miles each way for work. I thought I would be at Fidelis forever too. My how things have changed in 1 year.  But for good. For my dreams are to finally come true! I am open to wonderful possiblilties.
When I first moved here I was full of hope, love and feelings of finally reaching a long awaited goal. I was so naive and gullible. I did not realize that my true wishes and dreams were going to come true, but only if I eliminate that, that no longer serves me, respects me or has my best interest or heart. It was really hard to face, and to accept, but with time, I have accepted it. And of course now, it makes a lot more sense. More than it did when I had to face it. I could not continue to respect myself if I allowed people in my life that have no respect for me. I had to detox people that have no substance or quality lives from my continuously growing abundant life. The more I let go, the more such great and wonderful opportunities presented themselves to me. I observe women gripping and clawing to hang on to men that are of such low quality characters and are just bad news waiting to happen and I want to just yell at them!  But they have to learn on their own. They need to see the results of such poor poor choices.  I trust yoga and my spirituality to help guide me to open my heart, and open my eyes to see the truth out there. My life is so good and happy because of my good choices...................

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Day 3 of 30

Follow your Bliss - That deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do, to be yourself. When ever I think of my bliss or my perfect home, it always includes  visions of me doing a fabulous yoga flow! No huffing or puffing, just a gorgeous choreographed ME stretching and feeling completely whole after a grand yoga session on my deck in front of a large body of water, or during a sunrise or sunset.

I love nature. I love animals. I love yoga. So I guess I better practice what I preach! Today I did my jivamukti yoga with Sharon Gannon and David Life. Oh so refreshing and invigorating! I can't wait to move because I feel so cramped here. The floorplan of this house is so choppy. The yoga was good but I will feel better in a more open space---soon! Meanwhile, I will practice where I can. I should do it out back in the yard!
I have noticed that Jasper is a bit ADHD. He can't seem to find a place to nap. He hops from place to place.
Maybe he got it from me.
I am following my Bliss. Every morning I wake up and thank God for this awesome life I am living.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Day 2 of 30

Namaste! I must say I am very consistent! I am always good at starting over! Middle? Finish?
Ha ha.  But I did finish my Seaside Yoga practice today. Much better than yesterday.
I really needed those downward dogs.
The goal of yoga may be the ultimate freedom but ever before this is achieved we discover more self-control, sensitivity and awareness that permit  us to live the life we aspire to, one of decency, clean honest human relations, goodwill and fellowship, trust, self reliance, joy in the fortune of others, and equanimity in the face of our own misfortune. From a state of human goodness we can progress toward the greater freedom. From doubt and confusion we cannot. What we call bad is ignorance in action and thrives only in darkness.
-BKS Iyengar

So day 2(morning) I have already heard from 2 good friends whose hearts are pure and full of love and joy. Those are the kinds of people I like to surround myself with. Our friendships have our backs at all times, in good and sad days. We lift each other, we carry each others laughter. We share our happiest and fruitful days and we cheer each other on our goals! Those are real friends. Thank you God for such wonderful humans in my life.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Day 1 of 30 Yoga Challenge

Choppy and interrupted.  It started out OK. Then I got interrupted by a call from a co-worker. She found
youtube video's on HL7 and the Iguana translator. Geeks like us love this stuff. One of my rules for the
challenge is to do at least 30 minutes or more. I went back to my yoga to finish off my 30 minutes and
it felt off now. I did do a little meditation. Om gom ganapatye namaha......remover of obstacles. I need
to remove all obstacles in my life. I only have a couple. Of course doing the yoga I could not concentrate
fully, all I could think about was how dirty and smelly my rug is and how I can't wait to move. My landlord
wouldn't let me remove the ugly green carpets. They are awful. This house served me well, but now
I just can't wait to get out of here. The reasons why I moved here are like rancid food in a garbage pail.
They make me recoil in disgust. Lose my appetite. My mind was so fuzzy and easily duped. Clean living
and fresh food has enlightened my mind and my life. Tomorrow I intend to do a better yoga! I will do it
in the morning. Oh I cannot wait to do yoga on my deck during the sunrise................

30 Day Yoga Challenge

I have decided to begin  a 30 day yoga challenge. I have got to do something to bring
peace to my mind! To my body! I have to get my mind off so many things, the mortgage application
what do I do if I don't get the mortgage? My landlord wants to put up a for sale sign now that I told
him I am buying a different house, not this one!  I just need peace and calm now while I wait.
I put it out to the Universe and God that I will accept what is in store for my future. I have two irons
in the fire. I had to create a back up plan in case I don't get the mortgage. A back up plan that
will ease my broken heart if I don't get the house of my dreams. Its actually very good! So in a month
or two my life will change completely --AGAIN!!!  I will be moving that is for sure. Where, I have left
that decision to the Universe and God, for my highest good.
So how can I challenge myself to 30 days of yoga when I couldn't even do the 14 Day yoga detox?
I don't know. But something tells me I have to try.

The reason I am writing about this challenge is to hold myself accountable for the 30 days. I never
seem to finish anything. I intend to finish this 30 day challenge. For my health, mind and well being.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

50 Shades of Grey -----NOT!

Well I almost downloaded this book to my Nook, until I read the reviews. Not good. Laughable even. And after reading the reviews I realized I don't have to read the book, I already lived it.......girl falls in love with man, man wants lots of sex, man wants to keep it a secret, girl loves man so she keeps it a secret, man never had a heart, feelings, values, soul depth or substance or integrity thus the sexual issues...........................

been there.  done that.   

Maybe I will watch the movie when it comes out.
Read the reviews on Amazon  laughable......

Friday, June 08, 2012

If you had 3 wishes...........

....what would you do? Me? I would have to pass...........because the last of all my wishes is about to come true.

Thank you God for my awesome life!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Practicing Ahimsa

I Practice Hindu Ahimsa. Ahimsa, a Hindu concept, is commonly understood to mean non-violence. Ahimsa really means non-injury and pure love.

What a great way to start the day, doing yoga before work. Lately my life has become easier and easier. Every delight of my heart is coming true. But then again, I am a simple woman and my delights are simple. I don't need 40 pairs of black shoes in my closet to fill a void in my soul. Doing yoga, following the Awakening Consciousness, living a simple and good and non harming life, I feel myself moving into a higher potential of myself. I feel my strength coming from within. Suddenly the right and good people are in my radar. I made some really great connections with my new coworkers in Seattle last week. I feel really good about my future. I love my job! I love all my new adventures.
Since I have been awakening to the higher consciousness all the toxic people in my life are falling away and making room for the right friends and lovers. I have never felt so free to be myself and share such exotic yet exhilarating and rejuvenating pleasures. Connection being the key word. Free. No performing here. I can finally trust. Every feeling very genuine.

I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Seattle. I talked to so many people. I listened. I heard their stories. What a wonderful world we could live in if we let our boundaries down and trust. I had blind faith once before and my resistance was warranted. Why do people get such pleasure out of purposely hurting someone? To mindfully do harm? I am grateful to God that people like that are not in my life. I am grateful to God for putting such wonderful people in my life. I have been asking for guidance on where I should live, where I should buy a house. I could go anywhere! How cool is that? I just have no grounding feeling on where tho. I am not in a hurry. God will show me where I can live up to my highest potential. I trust in that wholeheartedly.

I am not in fear of moving ahead. I am free and brave, courageous and strong in moving into the new frontier of my life, the power of the me, of the God that I Am.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Delta, United...coffee tea or me?

Bellvue Wa (Seattle),and then Eden Prairie MN. Two trips in the month of May already and it's only my third day on my new job! I vow that I will not be like the old Cyndie and stay to myself, hole up in my room and just veg out. I am going to look every stranger in the eye. Talk to them with genuine conversation. Everyone has a story, I'm going to find out what the stories are. But I am going to sincerely listen. I want to see honest smiles and share heartfelt laughter. I want to do more than network, I want to reach out and touch souls. Make a soul family. I guess I didn't do very well with the family I was given. I didn't do very well in the love area either. I loved and trusted wrong. But I am not going to give up. My life isn't over. I have been given a huge opportunity and I will not mess up this time. I have had a long time to review my mistakes and I know I have to make better efforts this time. Ask the right questions and lay down tougher rules before I open up my heart again. But I am pretty confident I will find what I am looking for. Thank you God for this marvelous opportunity.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Not bad for 53

And I have no plans on getting old any time soon. I have too many things going on that keep me very very young. I think I am going to join the Hive, they have really good yoga classes and I want to try the Hot Yoga. I bet it gets sexy in there!!!!  And the boot camp. I have a few 5K races coming up. I have no where in my date book a place to add "aging" hahahahaha. I will be doing some traveling in my new job so I plan to explore everywhere I go. I have this huge empty white board in front of me and I am anxious to start penciling in some adventures. Definitely more hiking and camping in the future. There is a nice little trailer I have my eye on. A little one. I dont want to pull a big huge tin can. Something smaller like 12 feet, but not a pop up. I thank you God for my wonderful life every day. You are bringing to me all the delights of my heart.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

I kind of lost it in Warrior II pose today. The studio was like 90 degrees and it is quite understandable. I interpret Warrior II pose to be arms outstretched, half in the past and half in the future, legs stance ready for action, ready for anything. That is me. That will be me all next week. My last week at my old job. While gearing up and accepting packages for my new job to get set up. I will be simultaneously in the past and in the future. But I am ready for anything. I am ready for action. I love my old job and I will miss it. This company is good and if you want to remain "safe" until retirement, It's the perfect place to be. I see nothing wrong with it. For most people with families and kids, college aged kids etc. Its a good place. You are safe, and you can stretch yourself here and there if needed but not necessary. Like today. I did my forward bends, and twists. I used the yoga block a few times. I am not yet limber.
But I don't want to remain safe any more. I am at my best when I challenge myself. So in my new job I will reach even further than I did before, balance on one foot on tiptoe if I can, open my heart in a back bend and allow it to break OPEN. No more easy child's pose for me. I am not dead, or retired or any where near that yet. I am alive, hahahah I just misspelled that, alove, I think I like that new word. ALOVE! Alive for love......yep.
I will breathe in new air. I will challenge myself every day. I got so complacent. No more.......I am so ready for this!!

Virabhadrasana II
Now that I know this pose was named after some warrior who grew from the hair of a blue devil, I like to use it to strengthen myself against my enemies: those evildoers who constrict the oxygen supply of precious freedom. Here's how it's done: I want you to step forward with your left foot pointing straight ahead and your back foot turned in about 45 degrees. Inhale, and take your arms out to the side, and on the exhale bend your front knee. Look past your right hand, and repeat the mantra "God Bless America". This will counter the evil effects of the pose.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My ship is about to come in!

Working from the Porch

That is  what my horoscope said a few months ago. I trust this horoscope. It told me the exact day I would move to Denver, and now for April, it told me that if I was looking or interviewing for a new job, I would find out if I got it on April 6.
Well, on April 6 I got my official email telling me I passed the pre-employment background check and drug test.

On April 30 I start my new, awesome job, working from home! On the same day, my mortgage broker emailed me and told me I did indeed qualify for that big gorgeous house down the street that I have been loving from afar! 

I believe it is my overwhelming gratitude for the awesome life I currently have that has propelled me forward in this new phase of my life. I thank God every day for my great and simple life.

Yes, I said simple. That is why, when I knew I could buy that big 4 bedroom gorgeous house down the street, it just didn't sit well with me. Because the house is in Lyndonville it is going for 165,000. Anywhere else it would easily be 300,000 for sure. If it was in E Aurora or Clarence. But even at that deep discount, I have decided I don't need a big house like that. Yes, it would be awesome awesome awesome to work from home from that beautiful spacious place. And even without the big salary increase I have now, I still could have afforded it on my old salary.   Its just too big for me. If I was not alone, it would be a different story. 

My heart really wants to stay right where I am and just remodel here at my own pace. I have to remember I am just a simple girl, with simple tastes.

Oh the job!!! Well!!!! It is as tho I pulled my dream job out of my head! I will be implementing hospital coding software - FROM HOME!!! My forte is implementation of Systems.  I will be rounding out a team nationwide as the Upper East Coast Technical Business Analyst.  2 days tops on site most of the time. So some travel is involved. I will have to shave my legs occasionally, hahahaha. My first training Boot Camp is in May, in Bellevue WA, a bridge away from Seattle where I have always wanted to go. 

I don't have to buy MegaMillion Lottery tickets any more. I have everything I ever wanted already.  A husband would be nice and I am sure that I will find one soon in my travels...................I am not worried one bit that I won't, because I am ready God. Thank you.

Sunday, April 08, 2012

I forgot who I was

I forgot who I was for a while and seemed to be stagnating. I was not wallowing in self pity, that is just not me. But I was disconnecting myself. Going through the motions and sometimes just taking the easy very traveled road. I forgot that my strengths and triumphs came in learning new things under pressure, finding out how things tick and then writing a manual on how to use it! On challenging myself to pick the unknown and quickly becoming the expert.
I have not honed my senses in a long time and it's time to get back in the game. I have found someone who is excited about my experience and knowledge. I am not afraid, because I beleive in myself. This world isn't the same any more and it's time that I do thingS on my terms for a change. I have seen the future and it is sweet!!! Thank you God for your faith in me!

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Standing on the edge again!

Just like I did when I went to Denver! It took a long time to get back here again. On the edge of something BIG! My life is coming together, everything on my wish/goal list is coming true!!! When I movRd to Denver my life kept moving forward, every day better than the next. The way it should be because I believed in myself and what I am capable of. I got side tracked by a selfish liar. Two days ago a friend told me that men are pigs and they will do and say whatever they can to just get a peice of ass. This selfish liar manipulated me into leaving Denver and my too good to be true life so I could just sit around and be available when he needed to get laid. I have finally gotten back to my too good to be true life. It's taken 6 years. 6 wasted years I can't get back, but at least what I am looking at in front of me is better than I ever dreamed. Got is giving me all the delights of my heart and I am truly grateful. Thank you God. Thank you for my wonderful wonderful life!!!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

There is no place like home

Home. Where I feel safe. Secure. Surrounded by my things. My dogs. My very few good friends. I am selfish now about my friends and the company I keep. Only the genuine ones now. I cannot waste my precious time on people that do not take me seriously. I am a person with a heart, and feelings. I am not a novelty.

Spring is here and it is now time for training. Serious training for running, P90X and Insanity training. Healthy food. Healthy thoughts. I am also going to get serious on more training for my job too. Get my BA certification. Go on to more levels of SQL, ACCESS etc.

More to come........

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

I'm getting that feeling again!

Its been a really long time. But the last time I felt this way was when I was on the edge of something really BIG. It was when I received that awesome job offer from Trizetto and moved to Denver! I felt like nothing in the world could stop me, I could do what ever I put my mind to. The bigger the better.  I have heard from my mortgage broker today and I heard from two former colleagues who are heavy hitters in my field. One said, Cyndie I remember you, you were WONDERFUL. He was talking about my work and the work we did together. And yesterday another friend thinks he found me my next husband. Its a full moon tonight. It must be MY full moon. 

But all that aside. Besides walking on a cloud. My mind is not here. It is on Coquina on the Beach Hotel on Lido Beach, Sarasota Florida!! I will be basking and scorching in the sun for two weeks. I am going to be cocoa brown tan! I am going to run every day. I am going to walk the beach every day, and I have to also walk the dogs to St Armonds Circle every day.(they are not allowed on the beach) We will be 15 minutes away from St Armods!. I can't wait to see Jessica. She started a new job and I am excited for her new endeavor. 

I thank God for all that he has given me. I am so blessed with a great home, dogs, friends, town, job.
My cup runneth over!!!

And what ever is in my future. I feel really good about. Really good. My horoscope said. Cyndie, your ship is about to come in.   I believe it. And its all because of ME, my belief in myself, and my hard work. I would love someone to share this awesome life with ....soon!!!!

2 weeks baby!!!

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Roll up the Rim Revelation!

It's that time of the year again. Tim Horton's rrrrrrroll up the rim to win. I usually make my own coffee for the morning commute. But at "Roll up the Rim" time, I usually stop 3 or 4 times a week to try to win! Well, I got a sudden revelation
this time. I had no urge to win -  ANYTHING! I already have my dream car, I have my 60" TV. I am so perfectly satisfied
with my life that I feel no need to win something for free. It is kind of like when I moved to Denver, I had it made! Great
new high paying job, brand new Townhouse. So new the streets weren't even on Mapquest yet. I was so happy I stopped
buying lottery tickets when I was there. I didn't feel like I needed any lucky interventions for my life.
Yes, Lord. I am truly grateful for my wonderful life. I am blessed! I will still buy my Tim Horton's cuz I love the coffee and
hey, you never know. I could roll up the rim and it will say.........You have just won a fabulous HUSBAND.

Now THAT, I would love!!!!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Spiritual Sensual Part II

Some things I forgot I wanted to say yesterday, cuz well, I'm getting old! And thats it! -Aging. I am envious of my friends in long lifetime relationships filled with history and memories and tradition. I am 53, am I too old for something like that now?
If I start a relationship now and live till 89 like my Gram, I could at least have a 30+ year relationship.
I don't want to die single. I want to be an old married lady. So, that said, I have been trying to meet "older" men closer to my age, past my age. But when I look at them all I can think in my mind is- God, they really look OLD.

The man I thought I loved for the last 8 years, I watched him age. I saw the grey hairs come in on the sides, his body changed some. But I didn't care, because he grew older while I loved him so it didn't matter to me.  I don't think I can accept a complete old looking stranger that way. This is why I got rejected by eHarmony, twice! The reason I was given was that I placed too much emphasis on physical attraction. I am not shallow. But I DONT look my age. And I do know how my heart works. I have TRIED dating the "really nice guys", the guys that were not 6ft tall, the guys that were not handsome, the guys that were a little pudgy.  My heart just wouldn't open up or stick.

BUT, there is one thing I did notce. Maybe someone from my past would be acceptable to my heart. I just recently went to see an old friend play in his band. We had been in contact on that very popular social media website. He had aged, But when I look at him I don't see what he looks like now. I see the spirit, the wit, the challenge and the handsome man he was, still. He still has that mischeivious twinkle in his eye. And he is in a really great relationship. So he is not an option for me. 

So maybe for my heart I need someone from my past, an old highschool heart throb, that is available. Maybe that is my only option for me now, There are a couple names that come to mind...........