Monday, August 27, 2012

Learning to love

One of the most significant things I learned about myself during my winter of soul searching was that as a child my family, whole family abandoned me in so many ways. But even so, I cannot and will not use that as an excuse. I will rise above it. I will rise above watching my father beat my mother when she was pregnant, causing her to have many miscarriages. 
Forget at 4 years old clinging to my mother in the front seat of the car while my father tried to push her out of a moving vehicle. Forget my father finally leaving us, only to pick us up every Sunday to drop us off at Gramma's so he can go be with his girlfriends. 
I will not be victimized by the fact that his whole family turned their back on me so that I grew up not knowing my cousins, my aunts and my uncles. I had no sense of family. 
I will rise above the fact that I was raised by a mother who did not know this country's ways, but she did the best that she could for us. She really did. She really did not show me what a true mother daughter relationship was. All I can remember since I was small was that she somehow was hoping she could make money off me, she sent me to so many schools, dancing, acting, charm school and modeling schools. She was so disappointed in me because I never became famous and rich for her. Her mantra was always, marry a rich doctor. I will not blame her for favoring my brother over me all the time. Even to the point of hiding food from me to give only to him. 
Yep I could really wallow in all this abandonment. And maybe I did in the beginning of my life. I did so many things wrong because I had no one in my life to teach me how to love my family. Now I have learned how to love the people that mean so much to me. I created my own family. They may not be blood relation but I love these people fiercely. I am still learning but I think I am doing so much better than I did in my early life. It may be too late to save any relationships with my real family. It may be too late to ever be a real mother to my daughter. The most important thing in my life to me now is to try to be "something" to my daughter. A friend, a supporter, someone she can trust. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done it my life. And it is the most important. More important than anything or anyone in my life. I will not give up. What I don't know, I will learn. I want to listen and to be there. I will be there.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Last Train Out of Town

Friday I had dinner with three of my closest friends. I cherish and love them dearly. Katherine, Barb and Terri. You see before you 4 awesome women. All single because we will not settle for any thing but exactly what we deserve. Yes, we can be intimidating because we can take care of ourselves, we are financially stable and well, the one thing that scares most men away--- We will not accept bad behavior! We will not accept disrespect. 

Our last toast together was:

I want a man that is going to chase me like I am the Last Train Out of Town!!!!!!!

I get contacted a lot  but not by any available men. But I am very hopeful and confident that soon I will be meeting some vibrant single men where I am going.  I am sure of it!!! Can't wait. 
This time I will do everything right. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I feel trapped

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't go out and take a walk in the neighborhood. If I do venture out its like a 30 mile drive to any where with stores and restaurants.
When I first moved here I had such hopes and dreams of love and moving to the country!
And then in a matter of months my dreams and heart deflated. I set my hopes on a flimsy foundation. I should have known better, I know. The next 2 years I spent healing, spiritually searching for the reasons why I would think loving a man like this was a good idea. If he didn't respect me I certainly must not have respected myself. So I built 
trust within myself. I dredged the deepest parts of my soul for reasons and answers to why I 
did the things I did all my life. I spent months pouring over books and podcasts on how to 
understand my shadow, on how to reveal my darkest fears and I faced so many of them. I 
cried and clawed my way out of my nightmares. I confronted ghosts and really learned a lot
about myself. About where I came from. And now about where I need to go. 
I figured out why security meant so much to me. It was not the house or car or material things.
It was the security. I grew quite a bit since that cold March day I drove through a snow storm with my little Chevy Tracker filled with boxes and belongings to this house. Since then this house has lost its sparkle. This town has lost its gleam. This is not the kind of town or area for a single woman. There are no opportunities to meet any eligible nice single men here. And this town treats attractive single women like the plague for sure! The women will not befriend me and well, the men who are not available? Ha ha ha they sure have contacted me! They tried any way. Not by any invitation from me, that's for sure. I don't want a man that cheats on his wife or girlfriend. Big red flag!!! 
So I just wait. Just a few more days. A little over a week and I am soooooo out of here. 
Yes I am moving again. Out of Lyndonville. Sorry to say, I won't look back on this town with fond memories. There were none. 

Me? Oh I am on a new adventure! I look forward to this adventure with my new eyes, my new confidence. I am a different woman now and what I have to offer is spectacular and beyond substance. I am real. I am vital. The next wonderful available man (or men) that cross my path in the near future are in for a real treat. I plan to enjoy myself immensely while searching for the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Now that I have spiritually done allot of work on myself, I am now capable to pick the RIGHT man, and sustain a loving relationship. Oh I KNOW it will take work and I am not afraid of that. I know what it takes to sustain a good relationship now. I can't wait to get started.........

I will post pics of my new place as soon as I am all moved in.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Big big changes

Life throws curve balls at you and you can catch em and throw em back, or duck and hope they miss you. But they boomerang back when you think you doged that bullet. This time I caught that bullet in my teeth! I was striving so hard for something I thought I wanted and needed, and I was so sure and literally so close! But something in me had a feeling, so I said, if this doesn't happen it will break your heart. So I needed a back up plan that would pick me up and console me, and I created one. But the more I researched my Back up plan the more I didn't really want my first goal to happen. If it did I would be so isolated and stuck in a dead end town. And then it happened, it fell through. I was dealt the blow of No. But I didn't feel bad. Not bad at all. So it is on to plan B. Full steam ahead. And it will be vibrant, and thriving! Exhilarating healthy and happy. It's what I should have done a long time ago. This time I am doing it for ME!