Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Monday, October 16, 2017

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Setting the record straight - I really am not the bad guy

I want to set the record straight and I say these words with love and kindness.  Yes, it is true that I do not interact with almost all of my family. But lets face it, most of my remaining family is kind of toxic. We all have that alcoholic and narcissist gene. I stay away so my family doesn’t trigger mine. I try to keep it in check.

But mainly I guess I inherited my stubborn German bull headedness from my dad. I inherited a lot of things from him. Nothing good.  My family will tell you that it was ME that disappeared.  Well that may be so, but there is a reason why.  Through the years in the beginning I reached out to my family and my blood many many, many times. Of those many times I was pretty much dismissed, cancelled on, ignored or forgotten.  So in my defense and for my health and sanity, I had to extricate the things that made me feel so abandoned and yes, hurt by not being quite that important enough to maintain some communication. It felt like my father abandoning me all over again every time.  It was always me that would have to reach out, visit, come to you. Never the other way around. The worse was and still is holidays by myself.  Everyone else with big families and couldn’t even remember to invite me. And that is fine. If that is your world well then that’s ok.  But for me, my only defense  is to just no longer have these people in my life so that I do not continually hope, or expect.  I took myself out of the equation to guard my heart from continuous rejection.
And at this point I do not need an invite as I certainly am not going to go out of my way and leave my comfortable home to visit those that never were able to get in the car to visit me. I say this with love and kindness.  I know that communicating with me may take more “work” that my family is not capable of, like “quit drinking” or set aside rigid rules they created for themselves, or forget and forgive the person I was in the past. And especially dismiss lies about me they were told.  I say this with love and peace.  Because I am at peace. I understand why my family dismissed me so easily. I ask that my family understand why I need to keep them at arms length. For my own heart and soul’s survival.  I have grown by leaps and bounds. I have created a most peaceful and wonderful life for myself now, overcoming the terrible things I have inherited from my dad. I would love to share this with my family, but part of my sane mental state is not dwelling on the past or setting myself up for disappointment.  So I will not hope any more.  I will not allow any negativity in my life.  I wish my family well and a very very good life.


Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Seal skin Soul skin a story about survival, spiritual escape......

One of my favorite fables is Seal Skin, Soul Skin (originally from the Inuit Nation) as told by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes. My truncated version of the story:
It is the tale of a lonely, old fisherman. He had heard stories about how seals were once human, so when seals would approach him, he was deeply moved by their wise and loving eyes.
One night as he was returning home, the moon was rising. He spotted a group of naked women dancing on a large rock. Dazzled by their beauty, feeling his loneliness, he allowed himself to drift closer. He spotted something lying near his kayak—it was a sealskin. He scooped it up and hid it in his jacket.
As the women began putting on their skins, one woman could not find her own. The man stepped out and appealed to her. Holding her only means back into her own world, he insisted—would she marry him? He promised to return her sealskin to her in seven summers when she could then decide to stay or go. She did not see that she had a choice, so reluctantly said “yes.”
They had a son. The mother shared stories of her world with her son, but the stories were not enough to keep her strong. Her flesh began to dry out. Her hair began to fall out. She developed a limp. As her eyes dulled, she lost her vision.
After eight winters, she confronted the old man—she wanted her sealskin. She had fulfilled her promise. The old man refused—she would no doubt abandon him and their son. The argument awakened the boy and filled him with sorrow.
Later that night, the wind called out to the boy. He followed the sound to a cliff where he saw a large, old seal. The grandfather seal was calling him. As he scrambled down the cliff, he tripped over a bundle—a sealskin that smelled of his mother. As he hugged the skin, the love of his mother filled him with joy and pain—her soul passed through him. He ran back home and gave his mother her sealskin; she quickly put it on, scooped up her boy and ran to the sea.
Together they swam and swam, down to the underwater coves of the seals. After seven days and seven nights, her body was restored and the luster came back to her skin, hair and eyes. Her full vision returned. At the end of the seventh day, she returned her son to the topside world where he belonged and assured him that he would always feel her presence and love.
Certainly this is a tale of needing to be true to one’s own nature and the renewal of the mother, but my draw is to the boy—the Sacred Child. While he is caught between and ensnared in the conflict between the material world of his father and the spiritual world of his mother, he is imbued with both and has an understanding of both. He is uniquely gifted with a perspective that is both aware and forgiving. His father literally took the life out of his mother, but he exists and is loved and knows joy because of that offense. His mother abandoned him, but because she shared her renewal with him, her vitality pulses through him. He has the gifts of balance, love, awareness, perspective, and forgiveness to offer.

Thursday, November 03, 2016

Sunday, May 08, 2016

I remember momma

How can I not? I see her hands every day, I hear her voice when I talk to my dogs. My mom did the best that she could with the circumstances she was given. I was so naive back then I had no idea we were actually below poverty level. But we survived. 
I spent most of my adult life in constant anger against my mother. Now I wish I could take it all back. We did have good times and love and laughter. She instilled hard work in me. 
And I work hard every day because of her. I have to. I still have not gotten that pot of gold
and I basically live paycheck to paycheck. But I feel peaceful. I guess I learned that things do not define me. 
I miss you momma. I have your pictures here and Im going to make a corner of the house for you, I will sit there and visit with you. 
I am living the same life she did. Momma never had a man in her life either. Not a single man all the years she took care of us. She was happy. I wish I could cook up a storm like you momma. I miss those days when you had the whole house smelling like panciet and adobo. I think I will make panciet in your honor today. ha ha I'll try......

I love you. 

Sunday, November 22, 2015


Well, I have subscribed to Vegetarian Times for years now, I was drawn in by the recipes but I was never a vegetarian.  I haven't had cows milk in years. I have always liked tofu. I have been intrigued and  I leaned toward that way but always ate burgers, steak, pork and chicken. And then something happened a few weeks ago. I even joined a 21 day Vegetarian challenge but that didn't do it. I would get the daily challenge emails and I finally unsubscribed because I really didn't think I could do it. Then one Saturday afternoon I was starving and in a rush so I grabbed a frozen burger and threw it in the iron skillet. I browned both sides and I thought I had cooked it all the way through. So as I cut into the middle of the burger it squirted blood out at me. It was the strangest thing! I took a bite of the side cuz it was more cooked and I was starved. But that was it. I couldn't eat it. I couldn't even put it back into the pan. Something  snapped in my brain. Was it the Vegan podcasts I had been listening to for months: Main Street Vegan or Compassionate Cook? Was it my yoga? Was it the mantra Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu before my favorite Jivamukti yoga practice? Was it looking in my dogs eyes? Was it a little bit of everything in my life the last few years pushing me toward this?  What ever it is, I am grateful that something in me will not allow me to eat land animals any more. I am telling everyone I know that I am "moving" toward being vegetarian. Baby steps. I still eat farm eggs, cheese and fish. I love my Almond and coconut milks. I have even found hemp and quinoa milks. So I don't think this will be hard. It hasn't yet and its been about 2 weeks now. In a few days it will be my FIRST vegetarian Thanksgiving. I am going to make a Tofurkey!!! 
Thank goodness for Amazon Prime. I was able to find Fair Trade Organic cocoa mix and vegan organic marshmallows for my sweet tooth.  When I pick up my Tofurkey I think I will grab some vegan cheeses. Right now I have been doing whole wheat pasta and veggies. My most favorite meal right now is portobello mushrooms and gravy over a baked organic potato. I am not going to be a junk food vegetarian and I am not going to fall for a lot of the processed stuff out there. The 3 reasons I am doing this, in this order:
1. To be compassionate toward animals. Practicing Ahimsa 
2. For health and aging reasons. 
3. Safety - we can never be sure what is out there now, what is in what we buy. The animals are not even quality meat any more because of the way they are raised. 

Well this is a new journey for me, and I am the queen of quitting. But for some reason I do see this becoming part of my life. I refuse to die early the way my parents did. So I have to change my eating habits to become healthier. To age gracefully. Oh I didn't mention its been 65 days since I quit drinking too. I am on the road to changing my life for the better. Now if I could just make myself LOVE to do yoga EVERY day, my life would be complete! Maybe hypnotism! hmmmmmm 

A simple shift answers all my questions

I made my own kitchen island with shelves and a large piece of wood. Bar height and bar height chairs. The chairs were just not comfortable. Nowhere to put your feet. So, you know typical weekend morning, my mind is whirring. hmmmm if I take the bricks off the shelves I can have a normal height table, chairs....oh! I have gorgeous wooden chairs I garbage picked in the garage. The result is not as gorgeous but it is comfortable! I can now sit at the table for hours and watch my birdies and squirrels. As I am sitting here I notice an even more positive change. And it dominoes from there. As I am sitting here in a lower chair, I can now see the sky! And in the sky I see the neighborhood hawk hovering in the clouds! This is awesome. 
All summer I kept toying with the idea of what to do with my deck? My ultimate dream was to build a glass sunroom with accordion glass doors from the kitchen. I wanted a glass roof so I could sit in the sun room and gaze at the clouds drifting by and at night look at the stars and moon overhead.  I went to visit a friend 3 streets down and she has a nice glass sunroom. In the exact location as mine on the south side of the house. She told me she can't even walk thru the sunroom in the summer it gets so hot. That was good to know because I don't use my deck because it gets so hot. I could spend 20,000$ on a glass sun room and not be able to use it. Since then I have decided to just get a nice patio umbrella for the deck and fix it up with lots of pots of flowers and my 2 simple adirondack chairs. 
Now sitting at my new table,  I can see the clouds go by and at night I will come here and have a cup of tea and gaze at the stars, from my really cozy kitchen! This table is good for now but now that I already have these gorgeous chairs I can paint them white and order that beautiful white round Pottery Barn table I have been wishing for.  My home is my sanctuary and it gets better and better every day and I am the one doing all the work to make it so homey!!  One small simple shift and I have solved my questions and save thousands of dollars and disappointment.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Check out my new blog.

Yes, yet another new blog. Check it out!
Looking for Stars Hollow

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

What is it like not to be taken care of?

I am listening to a call in talk radio show, a woman is upset her brother is taking all of her father's inheritance. She said she was counting on that for her retirement.  Sorry about that lady. It got me to thinking. What is it like to be taken care of? To have parents that saved for your college? That built up a wonderful life and a nice big inheritance? I don't know. That is for tight knit families that all grew up loving each other and took care of each other. Families that taught their children how to pay bills and set money aside for "later".  I don't know what it is like to have someone take care of me. Some women may even have husbands that make them feel secure. I don't even have someone that buys me birthday or Christmas presents. Man, thats pretty sad. Everything I do I have to do it myself. Even now that I have bought my own home. There are some things around here I would like to do but I can't because as a woman I never learned how to do them. I need a man for some things. I hire lawn and snow removal. And here and there, like my new sink. 

Is it me? Is my need to be so independent the reason why I don't have a man in my life? 

I wish I could meet someone that would be so excited to give me a Christmas present. I wish I knew that anticipation. Instead I dread the holidays. Because they represent and remind me of everything I don't have. I know I want to blame my shitty childhood, Is it my fault that I am here? 

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

Gratitude, thank you God for my awesome life

I thank God every day for my great life. It was not easy to get here but now my life is simple and happy. Little things make me happy, a great recipe, the birds at the feeder in my back yard. I have a female cardinal that has been pecking my kitchen window every day for 3 months. I love her. I don't know who she is (they say people who have passed come to you as birds, she has a mate so its not mom) or just watching a beautiful full moon from my deck. Since I have bought my house and set my intention of putting down roots, my life just gets better and better. The real key is to thank God not only in the good but also during the bad. God keeps us on our toes to teach us. I am truly blessed.

My newest obsession is Milk paint and I have converted my garage into my painting workshop since my car is too big to fit into my garage.  I have already obtained some cool furniture pieces to repaint. I got a great headboard I will make into a bench. My goal is to be part of Lockport's Garden Walk next year since that is how I found my beautiful home last year!

Its amazing the things you can do when you wake up refreshed and have the whole weekend to do fun things, I gave up alcohol and its the best thing I ever did.  I do have an occasional drink but I do not drink to get drunk. I have nothing that makes me feel so bad about myself that makes me want to drown out my life. I would rather get up early to go to the farmers market and Estate sales, than to waste a full sunny day on the couch.  Now I can read great books in my sunroom and watch the boys play in the yard.

or read the Sunday paper on the front porch.

Thank you God for my home and awesome life.