Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My Past Won't let me be a GOOD person

Man if you read this blog from the beginning you will see that YES I am not perfect, I have made mistakes BIG ONES. I was an AWFUL AWFUL person but these pages are filled with me trying my best to be better and over come. 

Yes the most important thing in my life, my daughter. I have lost. It is the biggest regret of my life! It was all my fault. I have no excuses. But thank God she grew up well and has a good life. If she grew up with me, she would be along side me writing blogs about how fucked up her life was and how she cant cope with people.

I dont expect to be in her life now. I just want her to live a good life. I think I make her feel awkward when I am around any way. She doesnt know how to explain me to her friends. I am an embarrassment. And thats is ok.

My family and everyone in my past seems to like to keep me in the past. They seem to want to not give me any benefit of the doubt. They will not acknowledge that I am not the same. And beleive me I have reached out so many times. I seem to be the only one that reaches out. Why is it me that has to always reach out? No one calls me or invites me to holidays or birthdays. I would go. Yes I know its MY FAULT I been a hermit. But so things cant change?

Everyone else is allowed to be dysfunctional and awful and they are accepted over and over. But not me. I make one or two set backs and everything I have done to do better gets erased. I am TIRED of always being the one that has to reach out. To go visit. Why cant anyone come visit ME?????????

Why is Sheila allowed to freak out driving on thruways, but I cant? At least KNOWING that I freak out I still made the effort. Why cant my brother drive to visit me????? No so if I dont go visit him at his house then I am the bad person. I dont see him inviting me to any holidays. I am alone on all holidays. No one calls and tells me to come. No I make a turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas and eat by myself with my friggin dogs cuz no one else invites me. 

All that being said, I think I do ok not having any family that wants to be around me. I dont revert to my family history of alcoholism and drink myself silly. No, I try to live a healthy life in spite of it. I make a family with my few friends and dogs and I have a good job.


But I sure as hell am not sorry for having a good life now. In spite of the fact that my real family wants to keep me chained to the past.