Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Seeing with the eyes of my heart

Today was the first day in more than two weeks my back did not hurt. This made me happy because I have been wanting to get back to my yoga. I need it sooooo bad. For so many reasons. I did the Deep Release restorative Yin Yoga to start so I don't injure myself again.
 As usual I do not believe in coincidence, my email box was full of yoga or spiritual messages on forgiveness. Can I forgive to move on with my life? Unfortunately, it is ME that needs to be forgiven.  I have to forgive myself. And I am finding it hard to do.

But the yoga feels good. I am bending and stretching and leaning close into my body, which is not easy as I am on vacation and I have not showered in 4 days. I am myself in all my glory.

I am trying to look at the world thru the eyes of my heart and not my head. I am trying to love the world. For the most part I do. The last few days have been unseasonably warm. I have been walking around the grass barefoot to try and ground myself. I am supposed to unburden all my problems into a tree, to touch it and hold it and let all my sorrows into the tree, because the tree is so grounded it can take them and offer them up to the universe and take them away from me. I have a really awesome huge tree in my front yard but I am not sure my neighbors are ready to see me hugging it yet..........this does make me laugh. I am open to a new world, new life. But right now I am to sit, in peace and just be for now. Constant presence with what is.....I have not a problem with that.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I am ready for all NEW things in my life.

This is my time of transformation! I look ahead with such anticipation! I am learning thru alot of inner work on myself that I keep returning to the past and it is so logical, If it didnt work before why would it work now? I am open to receive all new experiences and people! I have met so many new people lately, my journey of transformation has been incredible. I have a very few good friends that I still keep dear to me. As for family, I still feel like a stranger to them all. I have reached out but no one really reaches back. The family part I have decided to just let go. It was my fault for becoming a hermit in the first place and I understand that when I reached out, mainly the 3 years I was in Buffalo, I did not get anything in return. No one in my family really wants to bother with me. Point taken. I will stop. Those 3 years I did finally get Jeffery out of my system. I was doing so well, and then he comes over and tells me to listen to the words spanish love songs and sucked me right back in. So now begins the detoxing of Jeffery from my brain again. To finally get him out of my life and system because his world is so opposite of what I really am. He doesn't even recycle and he shoots at cats! That is so not me.
I am doing yoga, reading excellent books and doing alot of inner healing work with some great spiritual teachers like Robert Ohotto, and Hillary Harris, Dee Wallace etc...I am moving forward and making great strides. Then I drink and take 40 steps backward!!!  In order to move on into the ascension process I have to leave the old world behind. Anything old will hold me back and keep me from evolving into my new life. The old ways never worked for me. I am looking forward to a new relationship with someone completely NEW, the anticipation and excitement of an unknown soul. The heart pounding butterflies, the getting to know each other. This time I am going to do it all right.  I will NOT drink that is for sure. I will make sure first and foremost that he RESPECTS me first, takes me out in PUBLIC. No sex in the beginning of the relationship. So many men from my past that I used to yearn for have been contacting me. But that is NOT the answer. There is a reason that they are in my past. I am putting all my old stuff out to the curb for Goodwill, and making room for a new man! I want someone completely NEW. Someone I will love more than I have ever loved  before. I am confident he is around the corner of my life.........I feel it. I am ready.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Little Ollie

One of my best friends has lost her best friend. After 15 wonderful years little Ollie has gone on to heaven. Now I am certainly a dog lover. And I love my friend Katherine and her little Ollie. But I never expected to react the way I have. I am truly heart broken that he is gone. I understand the laws of nature. I understand that our little friends don't have a long life. But if there was one little doggie that I would wish to live forever, that would be Ollie. He was the sweetest little sweet heart! I fell in love with him the first time I met him when I moved next door to Katherine in 2006. Maybe it was the way he carried himself, the way he trotted around the yard. I have my own two little manimals, but Ollie is the original Manimal. My heart is actually breaking over him. I cannot imagine what Katherine is feeling. I will do what ever I can to be there for my dear friend.
The night it happened, I cried, I wailed. I felt like one of those characters in Claissa Pinkola Estes stories. I felt like I was crying for the world, for all my pain, for all the pain I ever felt in my life. Like a singing drum, like that fable of the salt maker that never stopped at the bottom of the ocean. Maybe since I have been doing so much inner work, this was the first time I ever felt true sorrow. But enough about me. Rest in Peace Mr Ollie. We loved you so much and we will miss you every day. I know your spirit will come to visit Katherine often.

You were a good dog little man.