Friday, February 29, 2008

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Clarence, My hometown

When I divorced Ben in 1989, I turned my back on Clarence and never looked back. I wouldn't even drive thru the town. Clarence represented all the darkness of my life, disappointments, failures, heartache and a really crappy child hood. I would exorcise that part of my life forever.
I re-invented myself. I moved on. Didn’t really do such a great job at that either for a while. But slowly and surely like a typical Capricorn I climbed that mountain. But never turned around to look at where I had tread. I would put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I told myself, I am a survivor and I will get through all of this. And I would. It took some time but I started to learn.
Recently I had been doing my podcasts and I have been revisiting memories that I left behind. Pivotal times in my life. When I was young I would definitely be what they call the Emo kids of today. Soooooooooo sad, and woe is me!!!! I would sit and listen to really sad music and write really sad poems. I thrived on despair!!!!! I mean I did come from a divorced family, and there were things that really were crappy in my life back then. So that may be why I denied my home town. Extracted it from my life like an appendectomy. Not just the town, but people, friends, high school best friends. I would get a private phone so no one could find me. I had new friends and a new life. I didn’t need reminders.
In my spiritual journey that is constantly ongoing and very renewing for me, I got caught up in the Law of Attraction stuff. And I listen to a lot of the online talk shows. I wanted to manifest a new home and a new car. And I would pray, and have gratitude and I would envision me driving this car and living in this house. But nada. So lately I have been asking myself. Why do I want a new home when I really love the home I live in now? Why do I need a brand new car, crossover, Nissan Murano, super black with black leather seats, to be exact, hahahaha. I really want these things because what I really want is safety and security. That’s what I really want. To feel safe and to feel secure inside. It was an a-ha moment. So getting back to the podcasts, and Clarence and my memories. I was talking in one of my older (PMS) podcasts about how I couldn’t cry when listening to those songs. Of course I can’t cry cuz I am not that little emo Cyndie any more. That sad little girl. I don’t feel that way any more! I may have ended a long and drawn out relationship but only because it was not working or replenishing me at all! It wasn’t a sad ending it was a cleansing ending. And when I found that old song by Elton John, Blues for baby and me. I completely blocked that song out of my mind until just a few days ago when I saw it there on the Internet. I used to play that song over and over and over feeling sooooo sorry for myself. When I first downloaded it and listened to
it I even got that funny feeling in my chest. And then I realized, god I was so sad back then, but I am not any more. I am not sad at all! I feel joy! I feel love! I wake up with a smile and many times I laugh before I even get out of bed. I am truly greatful for my life, my home, family and friends. My dogs, my job. I love my life. I wake up in the morning looking forward to what God has in store for me.
And now for my really big A-ha moment. I have finally embraced my childhood, I think of it with love now. I embrace Clarence. I have even made plans with my friend Laurie and we are GOING to the Clarence Labor Day picnic this summer. And I think and feel that my life is just going to get better now that I have made peace with my hometown. I can find that sense of safety and security now that I no longer deny where I came from and grew up. There have been a series of events that have brought Clarence and those memories into my current life. It has been so healing for me. I feel very confident that I can now move forward with one foot right in front of the other, but this time, I can stop and look behind me and smile and feel peace.…

and its all over now
don't you worry no more
gonna go west to the sea,
the greyhound is swayin
and the radio is playin
some blues for baby and me,
and the highway looks like it
never did
Lord it looks so sweet and so free
and I can't forget that trip to the west
singing blues for baby and me..........

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I did EXACTLY what I wanted to accomplish!!!

I woke up this morning and there was confetti all over my bed and bedroom! From creating my podcast last night. Feelin a little woozy and slow this a.m. but I thought I would listen to my podcast to see how it sounded. And at the end of part 2, I was actually dancing around my bedroom! At 9:45 in the morning!!! What a riot!

Happy Hour 4 Pt 2

The Soundracks of My Life Happy Hour 4 Pt 2

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Soundracks of My Life Happy Hour 4 Pt 1

The Soundracks of My Life's Happy Hour 4 Pt 1

I know it's the pissed off podcast. 10 years ago I would Mean it!!!! Today it was more fun to cleanse and just add closure. Join me in my detox of toxic relationships. Hahahahahaha

Thursday, February 21, 2008

New Podcasts coming

Hey I didn't forget ya! New podcasts are on the way, I was chillin, I bought like 4 new books and I have 2 more on the list to read. I am currently downloading music as I type. I also moved all the podcast software and music to my laptop instead of the PC. Yeah, thats the MAIN reason I have't done anything. I'm LAZY.

But to keep you occupied while I get my s$%@ together, go listen to Sophia Ramos
man this woman kicks ASS!!!!! She will breath new life into your boring iPod!!!!
Listen to "Let me tell you something" turn it up...............

Sunday, February 17, 2008

My Manimals

Our Manimals

I sit here in the middle of my three day weekend. We got up early and just lay in bed and watched the sun come up. I got
a cup of coffee and like every weekend morning, the coffee is goooooood. I stare out the window like a big screen TV and watch
the beautiful outdoors. Jasper is leaning on me while he plays with Jeffery who is larger and more like a bear than a dog. He
lops one of his over long front paws on Jasper’s head, like, “Listen short stuff, you are starting to annoy me now.” Just that
little gesture alone makes me laugh. It puts a big warm glow in my heart that warms me on this chilly winter morning. I listen
to my Spiritual talk shows online in the background of all of this. I think to my self. My two boys are the most healing, comforting,
peaceful entities in my life. They bring me constant joy.
I get up from our solitude and go into the cold kitchen to get breakfast started. I am simultaneously making myself pancakes and
boiling gizzards in a frying pan for the boys. I mix the gizzards with brown rice and sprinkle N-Zymes on top. When all is done,
I go back into the room with my pancakes on a tray to sit in front of the big window. I left the door open just 6 inches to keep the
heat in the room, but to let the boys go in and out. Jeffery is at the door with the little pancake I made for him in his mouth. He
can’t get through the door. He makes his whimper noise which half sounds like a question. Hmmm? I coax him to push through the
door. He won’t. I have to get up out of my comfy spot to open the door 2 more inches. As I sit back down I wonder, if anything ever
happened to me, who would spoil these dogs the way I do? Have I created this co-dependency out of my own loneliness? To feel
wanted and needed. Did I create my own version of a family? It certainly is much easier than dealing with a human. With a human we would have to endlessly discuss feelings and disappointments, who will pay the bills this month, why did you buy those SHOES?????
It is so simple in my home now. Jasper comes and curls in a ball next to me while I read. Jeffery puts his big floppy paw on my arm
and looks at me with those melted chocolate brown eyes and I KNOW I am loved. I feel it. I reward them with their favorite treats.
I know what they love. I don’t withhold my love because they said something really stupid that hurt my feelings last night. I don’t sit quiet and pout because they ONCE AGAIN are watching Animal Planet when my favorite show is on. I am not the only one. I have many friends and co-workers that have the same scenario going on in their homes. We are single independent older women that
have thriving lives, terrific careers and our wonderful Manimals waiting at home for us.
We have shared many adventures. Jasper and I used to go tent camping all the time. We have spent a week in the Thousand Islands, a weekend at Saranac Lake and lots of others here and there. Jasper drove across country to Denver with me, where we became extremely homesick and added Jeffery to our family. The three of us trekked back to NY together, we spent every weekend and vacation at our RV on Lake Ontario last year. I was able to do all these things by myself because I had my little Manimals with me.
I think I escaped depression many times just because of them. I certainly escaped getting into really bad relationships because
I was just purely lonesome!!!!
I have carved out a peaceful yet eccentric life for me now. People may think I don’t have a full life because I live alone, but quite the contrary! My life is full and happy and peaceful. I sleep so well at night because my day was not full of guilt or small spats. I do exactly
what makes me happy. I do what inspires me. I go out with friends and we laugh, we don’t sit around complaining about our lives and
how imperfect our Manimals are. We talk about life, our world. We don’t sound like nagging unhappy housewives. We have big
smiles on our faces. My friend Katherine’s face lights up when she laughs, she has no scowl etched into her face the way some of the women I work with that huddle together in the lunchroom to complain of their awful lives with husbands they have no love or respect for any more. Yes, we would love to have a man in our lives, but we are not desperate to disrupt the household we love now.
So when we are out we really enjoy our friendships and company. Then we get into our cars and drive home, and there in the window
will be those little heads, and those little excited eyes! Tails are wagging so hard their butts are moving all over the place. The absolute
pure joy when we get home. The LOVE we feel when we get there. Nothing compares…………nothing at all.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Drunken Disclaimer!!!!

Hahahahaha I must put out the disclaimer that I was having a few beers when I not only recorded these podcasts but published them AND uploaded to the blog. I sound like a complete nut but I sure had some fun doing it......................

Podcasts are not published in order.

Altho the Happy Hour 3 is the most fun, please listen in order.........but that does not guaranteee that I start to sound better. hahahahahha, techinically still a crap head

You may have to join to listen but it is free and as
Don Fretz would say.......I'm worth it.......... yes of course you will have to listen to find out......

The Soundracks of My Life's Previous episodes | PodShow

The Soundracks of My Life Happy Hour 3 pt 1

Gotta listen in order..........

Listen to them all , start at the beginning I apologize for being a technical
amateur, but I guarantee that when you listen, you will be brought back
to a time you forgot, but was very important to you

Just relax.........New rules......have a nice cocktail.........relax and enjoy

The Soundracks of My Life's Previous episodes | PodShow

The Soundracks of My Life Happy Hour 3 pt 2

Hey Droogies

It's not the side effects of the coccaine..................

Its too late to be's too late to be late again........

This ain't rock and roll this is Genocide

The Soundracks of My Life's Previous episodes | PodShow

The Soundracks of My Life Happy Hour 3 pt 3

NEW rules! You must have a few cocktails when listening..........