Sunday, December 04, 2011

God Spoils Me

God spoils me, and sometimes enables my inner hermit! I have been recently coming into my own soul lately. Slowly but surely. I feel like this winter of hibernation will be my cocooning stage and this spring when I emerge I will be an awesome Butterfly! I need the dark cold winter to figure out why my past was the way it was. Maybe I had to have certain ridiculous relationships in order to crack open my heart and maybe I needed more dramatic more hurtful things to happen to me to show me because I could be so hard headed and just not see what is clearly in front of me. I am very ashamed for some of the things I have said when drinking. Alcohol is the worst thing sometimes, I see that now. But more and more every day I get signs and feelings that I am where I am supposed to be. This town is such a catalyst for me. So I have been in this house since March, 9 months. I never used the upstairs which is 4 bedrooms and another bathroom! Yeah, I know. So yesterday I took a nice walk around the back of my home and the roads behind me. It was nice and sunny and quite refreshingly crisp. When I got back to the house I was going to settle down at the kitchen table where I have recently set up my laptop and do some listening to spiritual podcasts and do some really hard core inner work on myself, but something wasn't right. I wanted Sun! I didn't want to waste the beautiful sunshine outside that noiurishes me! So I walked around  looking for the sunniest room in the house. Then like a lightbulb I looked at the stairs! I ran up them! I looked in all the rooms. The back room I thought, since it faces the only 2 little windows. Then the room with the south side window, I opened the door and a flood of sunshine! It was so sunny I needed shades! God opened that door for me! So I went and got my comfy leather desk chair, hauled it up. I only had a small desk on the porch, that would have to do for now. Oh, wait. There was this big door like thing in the other room.........well I grabbed 2 shelves and that board, it took me 10 minutes to set up my desk. If only I had done this on the FIRST day of my 11 day vacation instead of the last. I still have an almost full bucket of beautiful blue paint from the bathroom. I will soon be painting my new office! I even set up a cool spot under my desk where my boys can look out at the street. Now I have the sun, I can look out onto my wonderful town and watch the weather and the sunshine. I can't wait to watch the rain and the snow fall from this awesome window.
Yes in some ways this also enables me to be a hermit. Through my email, and facebook I can communicate with so many friends and still remain in my cozy spot. For now this will have to do for me. Hey, I do invite anyone to stop and visit me at any time. My fridge is always stocked with good food! I love surprise visits from my friends. All are welcome. But my cyber life will suffice for now.
Thank you God. This is going to be a great place for me to renew and emerge my new authentic self. It is true. Everything you want, you already have.

Not bad for 10 minutes of work. Wait till I paint!

What an awesome spot under the desk for the boys too!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Seeing with the eyes of my heart

Today was the first day in more than two weeks my back did not hurt. This made me happy because I have been wanting to get back to my yoga. I need it sooooo bad. For so many reasons. I did the Deep Release restorative Yin Yoga to start so I don't injure myself again.
 As usual I do not believe in coincidence, my email box was full of yoga or spiritual messages on forgiveness. Can I forgive to move on with my life? Unfortunately, it is ME that needs to be forgiven.  I have to forgive myself. And I am finding it hard to do.

But the yoga feels good. I am bending and stretching and leaning close into my body, which is not easy as I am on vacation and I have not showered in 4 days. I am myself in all my glory.

I am trying to look at the world thru the eyes of my heart and not my head. I am trying to love the world. For the most part I do. The last few days have been unseasonably warm. I have been walking around the grass barefoot to try and ground myself. I am supposed to unburden all my problems into a tree, to touch it and hold it and let all my sorrows into the tree, because the tree is so grounded it can take them and offer them up to the universe and take them away from me. I have a really awesome huge tree in my front yard but I am not sure my neighbors are ready to see me hugging it yet..........this does make me laugh. I am open to a new world, new life. But right now I am to sit, in peace and just be for now. Constant presence with what is.....I have not a problem with that.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I am ready for all NEW things in my life.

This is my time of transformation! I look ahead with such anticipation! I am learning thru alot of inner work on myself that I keep returning to the past and it is so logical, If it didnt work before why would it work now? I am open to receive all new experiences and people! I have met so many new people lately, my journey of transformation has been incredible. I have a very few good friends that I still keep dear to me. As for family, I still feel like a stranger to them all. I have reached out but no one really reaches back. The family part I have decided to just let go. It was my fault for becoming a hermit in the first place and I understand that when I reached out, mainly the 3 years I was in Buffalo, I did not get anything in return. No one in my family really wants to bother with me. Point taken. I will stop. Those 3 years I did finally get Jeffery out of my system. I was doing so well, and then he comes over and tells me to listen to the words spanish love songs and sucked me right back in. So now begins the detoxing of Jeffery from my brain again. To finally get him out of my life and system because his world is so opposite of what I really am. He doesn't even recycle and he shoots at cats! That is so not me.
I am doing yoga, reading excellent books and doing alot of inner healing work with some great spiritual teachers like Robert Ohotto, and Hillary Harris, Dee Wallace etc...I am moving forward and making great strides. Then I drink and take 40 steps backward!!!  In order to move on into the ascension process I have to leave the old world behind. Anything old will hold me back and keep me from evolving into my new life. The old ways never worked for me. I am looking forward to a new relationship with someone completely NEW, the anticipation and excitement of an unknown soul. The heart pounding butterflies, the getting to know each other. This time I am going to do it all right.  I will NOT drink that is for sure. I will make sure first and foremost that he RESPECTS me first, takes me out in PUBLIC. No sex in the beginning of the relationship. So many men from my past that I used to yearn for have been contacting me. But that is NOT the answer. There is a reason that they are in my past. I am putting all my old stuff out to the curb for Goodwill, and making room for a new man! I want someone completely NEW. Someone I will love more than I have ever loved  before. I am confident he is around the corner of my life.........I feel it. I am ready.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Little Ollie

One of my best friends has lost her best friend. After 15 wonderful years little Ollie has gone on to heaven. Now I am certainly a dog lover. And I love my friend Katherine and her little Ollie. But I never expected to react the way I have. I am truly heart broken that he is gone. I understand the laws of nature. I understand that our little friends don't have a long life. But if there was one little doggie that I would wish to live forever, that would be Ollie. He was the sweetest little sweet heart! I fell in love with him the first time I met him when I moved next door to Katherine in 2006. Maybe it was the way he carried himself, the way he trotted around the yard. I have my own two little manimals, but Ollie is the original Manimal. My heart is actually breaking over him. I cannot imagine what Katherine is feeling. I will do what ever I can to be there for my dear friend.
The night it happened, I cried, I wailed. I felt like one of those characters in Claissa Pinkola Estes stories. I felt like I was crying for the world, for all my pain, for all the pain I ever felt in my life. Like a singing drum, like that fable of the salt maker that never stopped at the bottom of the ocean. Maybe since I have been doing so much inner work, this was the first time I ever felt true sorrow. But enough about me. Rest in Peace Mr Ollie. We loved you so much and we will miss you every day. I know your spirit will come to visit Katherine often.

You were a good dog little man.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Yes you CAN change your past!

Thanks to the wonders of this wonderful world of technology, I have spent most of the afternoon in Black Rock. And I didn't even have to leave my couch. I was on Facebook on the site, I grew up in Black Rock. And I spent hours pouring over the pictures, reading other people's comments and even talking to several people I hung out with when I was a kid. First let me just say, I cannot stand it when people put down Facebook, especially people that have never been on it. How can you judge what you do not know? Because of Facebook, I have found so many friends I had not spoken to in years! I found my childhood friends, school mates, old crushes, and crushes on me I never knew about! It has brought me such joy. Answered long age old questions and allowed me closure on many things as well. On a regular daily basis I talk to all my old friends I have missed for years. We share all our joys and sorrows together again. It is so awesome to ask my highschool friends for their sauce recipe, or "Like" an old co-worker's Grandkid's pics.
So I went to my little old suitcase of my mom's pictures and looked for pictures I could post and share on the site too. Besides sneezing alot, old old pics, I found some great grade school photos to add to the Black Rock site. I know I always refer to my childhood as awful and horrible. I say that because of what I had become because of what I thought I had lacked. And there I saw it. The light and the hope and the happiness in that cute little girl's face. Look at her smile. I was so innocent and full of wanting to learn. I remember being in first grade and I always read ahead, trying to find words I didn't know. I actually was thrilled that I finally found a word I did not know, it was Ebenezer. But it took so long for our class to get to that page and I finally sounded it out and figured it out. I was too smart and it bugged me! Hahahaha.
So I have chosen to change my past. I am not going to remember the few bad things that were sprinkled into my life. I am choosing to remember the good things that adorable little girl cherished and loved unconditionally before she learned there was right and wrong. Before she knew that wishes didn't come true and that the Beatles did not play on TV from Shea's stadium every year like the Wizard of Oz came on every year.
I chose to look at the world with wide eyed innocence and expect every thing I want to come true, will come true.
I choose to remember the good memories of my childhood like my mother cooking in the kitchen, playing in the yard with all the kids from Jasper Parish projects, laughing hysterically with my best friend Sandy Strzyz. Playing Barbies with Patty and Cathy Fabian. Watching my grandma make pies with such ease! Sitting on Grandma's porch in the rocking chairs on Riverside Ave. I am only going to remember the good things from now on.

little Cindy

I owe it to this sweet adorable little girl with hopes of the brightest future to make the rest of my life as awesome and genuine and great as she expected.

Monday, October 24, 2011


Terri and I ran in the International 5K in Canada this weekend. Terri came in SECOND for our age group, I came in 7 (of 28).
I have learned that with training and perserverence and patience I can do anything! What a great weekend we had. We picked up our packets Saturday and went to the Pasta party, came back Sunday to run the race. Canada was awesome and beautiful, and then we cross the Rainbow Bridge and you have to lock your doors. I am ashamed of you USA and NY.

I am hooked more than ever on running, trail running. Yoga and eating healthy! Man how awesome is the world when you don't have to drink to have a good time. Oh an the men! With fabulous thighs and calves..........
I have died and gone to heaven. Good friend. Good times.

I never got this high on shots of Patrone!

Terri you are such a good friend! You push me and motivate me to do the best I can do! Love you!

In my best respectful interest

Oh I have been soul searching and reading and figuring out the whys and how’s of what I do. And what I have done that obviously is NOT working. Nothing I have done in the past has worked because –Hellooooo I live alone with 2 dogs. So I am very aware that I need to change the way I think and do things that will be in my best respectful interest to ME. One thing I am sure of, I was too shy or too scared to ask the right questions, I let obvious red flags slide. I gave but never received. I let the men call all the shots cuz I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. I would let the guy decide when we saw each other. And look where it got me….Helllllooooo I love alone with 2 dogs!!

I have to figure out what was so wrong with me that I thought it was ok to be someone's secret go to person for sex. Plain simple and dirty.  I am not stupid, I know that is what it was. Sometimes I would try to end it. I even moved to Denver once to stop being around him. But he pulled me back. He says he never did or made me do anything I didn't want to do. Yes he is right. But he didn't have to come over and visit me either. He didn't have to email me or text me, or send me pictures all the time. We both tango'ed there. I just finally want to know why I let it happen for so many years. I can blame him and say he manipulated the truth enough to keep me hanging but no, I am going to claim this myself so I can finally get over it.

So I have to start creating some new rules for my life. And I will follow these rules, because it is for my best respectful interest. And the best part of sticking to these rules, It does not matter to me if sticking to these rules keeps me alone with 2 dogs, because I love my life any way. But I would like someone to share it with. If he follows these rules. If I don’t follow these rules I will just end up with the men and crap I have had all my past…….

So men, listen up do not contact me if:

• If you are married. If you are so frigging happily married for 25 years then why are you contacting me????? If you do get divorced, don’t contact me for at least 1 year after you have been LEGALLY divorced. You need to be on your own, to heal. I don’t want your rebound baggage.

• If you are currently seeing someone. You think I don’t know? Do not contact me unless you have been alone, without a woman for at least a year. Like I said, I don’t want your baggage. If you are contacting me while you are with someone else, you have big issues. It is disrespectful to her and to me. Or you have no respect for women in general. Stay away from me.

• If you are a serial relationship hopper. Can’t be alone on your own for 1 week. If you have had more than 1 or 2 relationships a year (and you are still alone)……something is wrong with you. Stay away from me.

• Complete and utter honesty. If you cannot be honest, And yes omitting large pieces of data is lying. If you have to hide something, it must feel wrong to you. I will not tolerate lying. Don’t contact me.

• If you cannot tell anyone in your family, or your friends etc about me, then that is disrespectful to me. Like the above, you must think it is wrong if you have to hide something. Don’t contact me.

• If we do not have the same interests, then what will we do together? If you are a fat couch potato and can’t keep up with me, then don’t contact me.

• If you have the baby momma drama –ugh puhleeeze don’t contact me.

• If you have an abnormal relationship with your ex, that - We are still such good friends we still talk 3 times a week shit is crap! You are just setting up any other relationships for failure. Let her go. Don’t contact me.

• If you have the urge to tell me every fucking story about you and your ex…….DO NOT CONTACT ME.

• If you do not have the time to commit to seeing each other more than once a week, or if your schedule takes you out of town like 250 days a year, when did you think we would see each other??? Don’t contact me.

• If you feel the need to swear and say the F *bomb in front of me …don’t contact me.

• If you own a Harley Davidson, don’t contact me.

• If you can’t wine and dine me, take me out, candy, flowers, presents……don’t contact me.

• If you have Erectile Dysfunction. Do not contact me.

• If you don’t love dogs. Don’t contact me.

• If you don’t like coffee or sushi Don’t contact me.

 • If you are a Gemini GOOD GAWD Don’t contact me.

• If you smoke cigarettes, don’t contact me.

• If you do drugs or smoke pot or drink very heavily, don’t contact me.

• If we have not seen each other in 10 years, I have changed. So don’t contact me.

All of you, and God there are so many of you who continuously keep contacting me. If I am not with you now, I never will be. STOP!!!!! Its not even flattering any more.

For the highest good of myself. I am finally thinking of myself for a change. And if you can’t follow my rules, I don’t see you in my future. The thing is, I do see an awesome man that will be in my future. Someone that will treat me the best for a change. And I will do everything I can to make myself the best for him. I am working on myself and learning why I do the things I do and I have come thru with some great insights and breakthroughs. I have to respect myself first. And if its just me and my 2 dogs well, I can handle that too.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

It's taken a loooong time but no more same old same old.

I am finally breaking the mold. I refuse to live the same old life i had always lived that had never served me. Slowly but surely I am realizing dreams I only thought i could wish for....some day. That some day is today. I am no longer tied to old family karma, no longer living in familiar fears. The rest of my life is going to be pretty awesome. My list of goals and wishes have lots of check marks, done! So, don't be surprised if you see me driving down the road in my big Winnebego! I won't!

Friday, October 07, 2011

Soul Purpose?

Why should HIS daughter get a wonderful life and mine doesn't? I am reading a book on souls and why are we on this earth? Because our souls have something to experience and create? So my soul created that horrble sad childhood to make me desparate and clingy and dysfunctional enough that i would choose to let my beautiful daughter grow up with her father at a young age so that she would never be like me and feel that hole and void in her heart that I felt and still do? Dysfunctional enough so that I would feel it was my destiny to spend 8 years of my life as a secret support to a man so he would be able to raise HIS daughter to have a good life? To be his friend and confidant and slut on the down-low so it would enable him to be functional to be there and raise HIS daughter? THAT was my soul's purpose for this life? And then to be abandoned and tossed away like a paper towel that has lost its usefulness?

I don't think so.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Oct 2 - What happened to me?

A year ago exactly I was living in Buffalo and I was on this gung-ho self-sustaining homestead kick. I was making swiss steak in cast iron dutch ovens and pepper jelly. I was drawing up plans to buy property to live in the woods in a cabin off-grid and visions of wood burning stoves and rain barrels danced in my head. THIS is what would have made me happy. My own garden and chickens. I have a 3 ring binder 5 inches thick collecting dust in the dining room to prove it. I even started a different blog to chronicle my transition from city to homestead. I was willing to build my cabin with my own hands just like my hero Anne Labastille did.
What happened? What took me off track? OK there was that little panic attack in Allegheny last year when I didn't know I was experiencing menopause symptoms. I did move out to the country to a beautiful home with heat and electricity so I don't have to really go off grid. No, something else. Someone else. I was doing really well. I had put that person behind me. I was moving forward with purpose. Then this person selfishly contacted me like he did so many times before. What is wrong with me that I would allow someone to abandon my dreams for a life that is so opposite of what I believe in.
What is wrong with me that I would let him reel me in with such ambiguous unclear almost non-existent promise or hope?

Well, at least I am aware of this now. These are things I will contemplate as I sit here on this blustery day, rebuilding respect for myself. While making soup in my cast iron dutch oven and meditating on moving into harmonic resonance as I re-connect with nature.
I KNOW I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel that. I trust I will make the right decisions and choices now that I am slowly getting back on track. I am not in a hurry for my answers. I know I am strong enough now that I will not allow the wrong kind of distractions to take me off course. I am not blinded any more that I can be persuaded by the persons that make me doubt myself so that I engage in really bad behaviours that just are not me. I know me and I am BETTER than that. I am awesome. If someone wants to remain alone for the rest of their life because their selfish bratty daughter expects them to well, I can't respect that. And if that person can lie to his own daughter in the face for 8 years, I can't imagine the stories I was led to believe! I let it all go now. Not my problem-o!  I will not lose my groove now. No worries, I know where I am going. I just have to keep doing what makes me happy and where is that recipe for pepper jelly.............

November 7, 2012 (addendum)

Ater talking to him Aug 2012 when he stopped to visit me, I asked him about his girlfriend. He corrected me and said he has a "friend", that she has kids and that isn't his thing. I realized that he is doing the same thing to her that he did to me. He can't even commit to her to call her his girlfriend, up to his usual tricks and  casting his "spells" to keep her hanging as long as he can. Good luck honey. I wish you both well. 

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Sept 24 - A typical fall day in Lyndonville

7:30 a.m Up and out on the road already! It is our turn to pick up the CSA organic veggies at Porter Farms.
We get there and LOOK! Sheep, Katherine and I love the sheep. Unfortunately, it is what we thought. They are being raised for meat. At least they have a happy life before hand. Just like Lubbock farms that I pass on the way to work every morning. Those beef cattle are good looking cattle. Gorgeous chocolate brown colors. And it helps me to know they are living a happy life know. I myself am not a vegetarian. I do lean more toward being a vegetarian most of the time but I do still eat meat, chicken and salmon. I cannot give up sushi.
On the way to Porter farms we spotted a place that sells white pumpkins and cool gord type things. We load up Big Bertha with the 28 bags of veggies and we made sure we had room to pick up some designer pumpkins as well.

Veggies delivered on time by 10 a.m. Home by 11. I have a bit of a hard time arranging my pumpkins on the front porch so they do not look like phallic symbols. I do not want to insult the neighbors. I am on the main village road!

The sun comes out so not wanting to waste such a beautiful day, I take Jeffery hiking at Hamlin Beach State Park, down the road a piece. Jasper is not hiking material. He stays home. We hiked to Devils nose right on the water.
And on the other side of the park was a nice nature trail.

Jeffery leads the way!!!

Me and my hiking buddy. What a wonderful fall day it was. I can't wait to hike when the leaves start to change color and it smells like you are inside a giant pumpkin!    More to come!!  I found lots of hikes in CNY just waiting for me and Jeffery!  And to finish off this typical fall day in Lyndonville, Curly's kicked off the season with a Band and we danced the night away.....................

Sept 16-17 Golden Hill State Park

Lately we have been having one beautiful fall day after another. So Friday, the 16th I got out of work early and packed Big Bertha for her first camp out!

I had traded in my trusty Tracker that took me to Denver and back and numerous camping trips I cannot count for my dream truck, Big Bertha (Toyota FJ Cruiser)
I set up our campsite on the water pretty fast and easy. Beautiful view of my favorite Lake Ontario.

Terri arrived around 7, we had burgers and 1 beer each. Two totally awesome women afraid to drink more because we didn't want to ruin our willpower by texting or calling in a drunk moment of weakness to undeserving jerks. I left my cell phone home any way. My weak moments seem to come even when not drunk. And note this women: It is not the person you miss, it is the "idea" of what was. The memory of what was. Not the person himself. It is just hard to discern when your mind is floating and befuddled with ferment.
Well I planned on sleeping in Big Bertha with the boys, Terri slept in the tent. In the middle of the night, nature called.  It was warm and cozy and spacious in the truck with my manimals. Well I got out to go- but I couldnt cuz the light was on and I didnt want to attract attention, so I slammed the door shut that was ajar........and my new truck that I am not used to yet, did that blinking thing it does before it LOCKS!!! My heart dropped, my boys and all my keys are in there! Its 3 a.m. in the middle of a camp ground! I checked every door and the door I came out of---opened! Whew! Of course it took a while to go back to sleep, my heart was just pounding, a little bit of a panic attack kicked in but I did enjoy the glow of the moon through the windows.....
We woke up in the morning and it was FREEZING! We opted to make coffee and then go home. This was not fun. Well then I said, lets at least use up all the wood first since its nice and toasty and then we can leave.Well while sitting at the toasty fire we decided, lets make bacon and eggs and then we can leave.

Terri is now the official egg flipper. The sun came out during breakfast and our cozy fire! So well, lets go on a hike first and then we can go home. So we hiked and it was a nice hike in the woods.
Terri finally did go after noon. I stayed to read for a while just watching the lake in the sun. A while ago I had asked for a specific feather sign. Cuz I had heard it somewhere......instead of asking for just a sign, be more specific. So I picked feathers. Terri and I joke about it all the time. Like I could be sitting somewhere and someone would shoot a duck above my head, because hurting any animals mortifies me........I can barely drive to work because I have to avert my eyes from any lumps in the road. You would be surprised at the amount of wild life in the boonies....on the side of the road.
So I asked for a feather sign to help me in making my life decisions. I am relaxing on the edge of the lake when I see two big white swans floating my way. I am not sure how to decipher this sign. I am pretty sure these are the same two swans that used to visit Green Harbor (which is a few miles down the lake) where I had my RV the season of 2007. I am still not sure how to decipher this sign.

Monday, September 05, 2011

and what the heart doesnt want..........

Came home and found flowers on my doorstep........sigh....but from someone I have absolutely no attraction to.
Right now my heart will always belong to someone who does not deserve it. I think I would rather be alone and single for now There just isn't anyone out there that I feel can replace him.  I just want to be alone for now.

The heart wants what the heart wants......

A few close friends told me not to buy this house, except for Terri who says I should buy it because it is so peaceful and quiet here.  ALL the men in my life told me not to buy a Toyota FJ Cruisere, even tho it is my dream car.  So I weighed my options, because I drive 80 miles a day for work, do I go with the gas saving small car? Or do I get something that will get me back and forth during the snow months????? Since I moved to Lyndonville, I myself even thought I was done with camping as well since I am already in the country and have my own fire pit......but well,,,,,there are some things I just can't get out of my blood and I love camping!!! I booked a couple days at Golden Hill this month just to get back into it. I thought I would get over my driving anxiety attacks by camping close by and taking baby steps and going further and further each camping weekend. I have 3 state parks here on Lake Ontario less than 50 miles that I can start out with. Then do the Finger lakes, and I have camped at the 1000 Islands numerous times. So I thought, I need a little trialer. Not a pop up but like a teardrop or an Aliner. So yep I got my dream car last week.

The heart wants what the heart wants. God I love Big Bertha, isnt she awesome!!!!

So I have to go get a tent for Golden Hill but thats just going to be for now. So more to come with the camping stories!!!
I just couldnt bring myself to buy anything with 13 inch tires.

I always do whats in my heart and not what is practical. I can afford the truck AND the gas so why friggin not????

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Running! Trail running in training.

Crabapple Run 7/23/11

My personal yoga triathlon training has been going so well, I ran a 5K last Saturday!  I ran in my wonderful town Sunday, it was very pleasant. So I was perusing the up coming 5K races and The Ellicottville Trail run intrigued me, the 4 mile not the 12! So I have decided to train for that. Can I do it? And then it dawned on me, I have the BEST trainer sitting in my home. My Nordic Track Incline trainer as all the trails in the US programmed into it. I checked the times for last years 4 mile trail run and it looks do-able for me.  I did 2 1/2 miles today, and it didn't seem too bad. I think I got the running bug!

Training for the Ellicottville Trail Run in 2 weeks

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My triathlon

So what has not drinking done for me? FREEDOM! Not only am I having an absolutely awesome stay-cation, I think I will create my own triathlon. I was reading about this awesome military race that includes weight lifting running obstacles and the kitchen sink and a bug just crawled up my ass, so I said to myself, Myself, what would you really enjoy if you were training for this race? So yesterday I started my own modified training, I did 45 minutes of yoga, then I ran 2 miles on the treadmill, and then I did P90X shoulder & arms and ab ripper, yes and I felt great, and I am going to do it again in a few minutes. After a while, you won't recognize me! I do the yoga for mental and spiritual transformation, the running so I can do not only more 5ks but I want to run to the lake and back as my goal and I think that is 8 or more miles. Need to track that. The weights for strength and to sculpt me into lusciousness!

And yesterday, when I was doing triceps curls I looked over and because I have been eating so healthy, I saw my stomach!

My goal is to do one or more of those crazy races like the warrior dash or dirty girl mud run,
But I REALLY want to do the civilian military race. It's a goal!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Follow your bliss

Would have been my FIRST love? Do you always trust your first initial feeling, special knowledge holds true bares believing.....

Oh how our youth and shyness stole from us. What would have been if we weren't so proud?
If you would have been my first love, I am certain you would have been my only love.
The tenderness and the very strong desire is still there after so many years and memories without you.
 If only we could. If I could follow my bliss, YOU would be my bliss...even after all these years? Yes.

I copied this painting in pen and ink in intricate detail for art class in high school and in the tree I hid your initials R.T.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The come to Jesus talk

Well it’s taken me a long time to get here and I got here kicking and screaming. Over the years I have slowly realized that it is the best thing for me. Although I KNOW I am so much fun as a drunk, I have quit drinking for a while. Why? Because alcohol turns me into an asshole. I have been doing very well getting myself together spiritually, thru soul searching and yoga. Yoga has been life changing for me for the last several years. I just need to stick with it and commit to it, at the end of this is a link to a talk by Tim Miller that has convinced me to do yoga as daily as I can. I don/t know how else to describe how transforming yoga is. Those that are yogis know exactly what I am talking about .

I have been growing in leaps and bounds and when I am feeling confident I hear some great music on the radio on the way home, I have some wine or beer or I go out with friends…….I must be allergic to alcohol. I do not like the person I become I say stupid things and send stupid emails to people that should not be in my life any way. .

So now that I am more clear headed, and yoga brings up all that is toxic in you and gets rid of it. But it gives me such clarity about the choices I make and the people I allow into my life. I don’t mean this in a full of myself way, but as one grows, some friendships diminish. And others thrive. I am very careful who I allow into my life. I have gone pretty much thru hell to get here, I will not throw it away by being influenced by people that do not have the same integrity that I am learning. Drinking made me lose my discernment and allowed me to befriend some people of lesser values. People that are just out for a good time, all the time. My life is more important to me than that. I respect people like Iyanla Van Zant and Ana T Forest, whose books I have read/reading. (and Donna Farhi, Wayne Dyer, Denise Linn, I can go on......)

I am LOVING my life! This has been the best spring and summer of my life and I almost lost it all because I thought I could drink, or hang out with “good time” friends. Are they really friends if they make me feel awful the next day? If the only time I hear from them is after 11:00 PM?

I love my new life and all that comes with it. I need to act responsibly and in charge and if that means turning my back on something that has been in my life and family as long as I was born? Heck yeah!!!! I will not allow someone of questionable character to waste my precious and valuable time. It is more satisfying to be with more grounded and real friends and people of respectability. These friends have no agenda except to be real and honest. So I mean no disrespect if I have to walk away from friends and family that no longer serve me. I have to - in order to have peace in the rest of my life.

(Another awesome man........listen Tim Miller)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I love this town

I am really starting to feel like this town is my home. I have never felt so welcomed any where else. No one ever talked to me any of the other places I lived. But if I am out in my front yard, which isn't often, someone literally stops and pulls in the driveway to chat. Sarah the little old lady across the street also came by in her golf cart last week and said, come on up here honey, as she patted the seat on the golf cart. I sat next to her and she told me the names of the houses, named after people long ago gone, "That's the Lewis house, oh they don't live there any more..." and she told me stories about when her dad owned the home she is in now, 88 acres, told me to come swim in the in ground pool..."Well, we used to have a camp here, we put the pool in back then..." she was like in her late teens and she told me stories of how city kids would come to camp and she would take them to the dairy farm down the street and all the other things you could show a city kid here in the country. I could have listened to her for hours.

The house is coming along too, slowly but surely fixing it up here, decorating there. I am doing it at my own pace which is slllllooooooww, but hey, what's the hurry. I am doing a good job, how do I know? Cuz another townie stopped and told me, "You really did a good job on the house, its looking really nice.!!!  And then HE started telling me stories about my home. How the cops used to stop here at least twice a month.....
My next door neighbor Bill offered to mow the side yard for me. He is now chatty when once he wouldn't even look at me. I walked the dogs to get a Fireball ice cream cone at the Snack Shack up the street and two more neighbors I never met yet waved, nice waves too.  In my porch the birds even stop at the birdfeeders in front of me now and look at me and tweet! YES THEY DO!!!! 

The other night I got ready for bed, and when I walked into my bedroom I just looked and said, God, I LOVE my room, it actually looks like a room in one of my magazines. I love the new blue wall paint I picked and the white trim. It felt soooooo good to lay my head down somewhere where I love, where I feel welcome, where I feel home.

Next week is a big week here in town. 4th of July. Parade, carnival. Fireworks. Curley's has a band, going to a party on the lake that has bands, its going to be a nice weekend! Better pace myself and I am sure I am going to be making a lot more friends!!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I love my new home

Thank you God for my wonderful new home. I am blessed beyond my dreams.