I love how things in my life "evolve". I don't mind telling you things and being completely honest. It helps me. So you know how I want to live like I AM in a cabin in the woods. Secluded is my word for 2020. I love Seclusion. I don't know if its a cop out or what. But it works for me. So, my want of seclusion reminded me of a revelation I had many many years ago and it popped up in my life again. Let me explain:
I rented a cabin in a State Park for Thanksgiving week. Back around 2008 when I guess I was just realizing I liked to be alone, get away from everyone. The girl at check in said, your cabin is right by the road, would you like something different? We looked at the map, there was a cabin right on the creek, she said NO ONE ELSE IS IN THAT LOOP. The magic words! No electricity, I picked #11. My number. We loved it, relished it! Me and my boys, we sat on the porch it was great. I went inside to fix dinner. By the time I went to take the boys potty one more time I opened the door and thought, someone threw a black tarp over our cabin! Its pitch black! I needed to potty too so we walked to the restrooms. Which by now was a somewhat scary walk. Not only that, it was the 3rd week a 92 year old man was missing in this park. When I got back to the cabin, we locked all the doors and windows and I covered every window with a throw blanket or towel. As I lay in that bed clutching the boys 2 leashes that night scared out of my mind, Thinking that old man is gonna look in my windows, I had a sudden revelation. You may have 2 dogs with you right now but if you think about it. YOU ARE UTTERLY ALONE! It was big. My mind had lulled me into false sense that I was not really by myself.
Why did I tell you that story? Because, social media has been doing the same thing to me now. My FB and Instagram and Twitter, especially FB, because I have found old friends from school, work places and new friends I never even met but talk to every day. These many "friends" have lulled me into this false sense that I am not alone in this house. I cried for 3 days over the death of a friend I have never met. I am not saying that is bad. It is wonderful to be in touch with so many people that have been in my life all at once. But I am going to tell you some painful things now too. Social Media has given me some false hope as well. I had given up on relationships ages ago, but..... I was FB friends with a man that I would love to think there was a possibility. I had hoped. For months I hoped. Boy was I let down. I had finally healed my heart from the past and here I was breaking my own heart again. Because FB had made me hope. That is not the worse. And this I struggled with but don't know how else to handle it. I am not in my grandchildren's lives. But thru social media I am allowed to watch almost daily videos of them! Yes. I was thrilled! I love them so. And then I would cry. It gave me hope. But I am excluded watching from afar. It is harder watching the people who are included. I was not in the picture. Have not been for a long time. Reality hit and hurt. I’m not mad or sad. I accept this with love and peace. But for me I must face facts and reality and stop hoping. I’m too old. I must live with what is. Watching videos of grandchildren I will never meet is the most painful thing to me. I will never be perfect enough for my daughter to acknowledge me, even tho for many many years I have been working on myself, trying to figure out why I do etc etc. but I am perfect enough for me. and I must guard my heart. I must omit the things in my life I cannot change. I am living a peaceful serene life now. I stopped jumping thru hoops for people many many years ago.
So those are just a few reasons why I have opted to stay off social media. For now. I need to really FEEL my life and the reality of my life. I live alone with 2 dogs. I do not have 25 friends here in my living room or grandchildren running around. No one is here having morning coffee with me on the weekends. I do not want to feel the falseness of what Social Media gives me. Turning off all the notifications has helped immensely. Actually the first few days as long as there were no notifications, I honestly did not look.
Its only social media. OH I am on the internet! I research all the time, I listen to podcasts and I read blogs. Many blogs. but I was so out of the loop I did not know Kobe Bryant was passed away until Monday morning. God bless him and the others that died.
I do love my internet and research. And I am on LinkedIn learning doing a lot of Data Analyst tutorial paths to up my game work wize. Yes I am also a geek and love it.
Another thing I am doing starting. I am eating more plant based. I have always leaned that way so we are trying it again. Especially since I am starting my Gardens this year! So, The false world and FOMO on social media? That didn't feel right. But eating plant based and starting a garden. Those do feel right. And while reading and listening to podcasts I got another bug up my.....bonnet.
I am going to really do some research on grains. Good grains and recipes. Like Millet, Wheatberry, Buckwheat and Amaranthe…. if I am going to go plant based I think I need to figure them out more.
No I am not sad. I always accept the truth and facts with love and gratitude. I have to. Dwelling on what I cannot change is the old me. I am an old lady now. I have to live like I AM in a cabin in the woods and I need to FEEL what real solitude and seclusion feels like. So far it’s just been so peaceful. That is my goal. To be at peace with what is. My simple home. My pets. My bird watching from my windows. My books. My cooking. Evening fires at the fire place. Soon my gardens. I have my few real friends I talk to to on IM daily and or visit with. My cousins we have a group text that I’m happy about and makes me laugh. I may have had a wild crazy life and extremely fulfilling technical career and because of that it allows me to now be at peace doing absolutely nothing but simple living the rest of my days.
And start getting ready for my gardens!
I chose peace.....
I chose peace.....
