Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I feel trapped

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't go out and take a walk in the neighborhood. If I do venture out its like a 30 mile drive to any where with stores and restaurants.
When I first moved here I had such hopes and dreams of love and moving to the country!
And then in a matter of months my dreams and heart deflated. I set my hopes on a flimsy foundation. I should have known better, I know. The next 2 years I spent healing, spiritually searching for the reasons why I would think loving a man like this was a good idea. If he didn't respect me I certainly must not have respected myself. So I built 
trust within myself. I dredged the deepest parts of my soul for reasons and answers to why I 
did the things I did all my life. I spent months pouring over books and podcasts on how to 
understand my shadow, on how to reveal my darkest fears and I faced so many of them. I 
cried and clawed my way out of my nightmares. I confronted ghosts and really learned a lot
about myself. About where I came from. And now about where I need to go. 
I figured out why security meant so much to me. It was not the house or car or material things.
It was the security. I grew quite a bit since that cold March day I drove through a snow storm with my little Chevy Tracker filled with boxes and belongings to this house. Since then this house has lost its sparkle. This town has lost its gleam. This is not the kind of town or area for a single woman. There are no opportunities to meet any eligible nice single men here. And this town treats attractive single women like the plague for sure! The women will not befriend me and well, the men who are not available? Ha ha ha they sure have contacted me! They tried any way. Not by any invitation from me, that's for sure. I don't want a man that cheats on his wife or girlfriend. Big red flag!!! 
So I just wait. Just a few more days. A little over a week and I am soooooo out of here. 
Yes I am moving again. Out of Lyndonville. Sorry to say, I won't look back on this town with fond memories. There were none. 

Me? Oh I am on a new adventure! I look forward to this adventure with my new eyes, my new confidence. I am a different woman now and what I have to offer is spectacular and beyond substance. I am real. I am vital. The next wonderful available man (or men) that cross my path in the near future are in for a real treat. I plan to enjoy myself immensely while searching for the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Now that I have spiritually done allot of work on myself, I am now capable to pick the RIGHT man, and sustain a loving relationship. Oh I KNOW it will take work and I am not afraid of that. I know what it takes to sustain a good relationship now. I can't wait to get started.........

I will post pics of my new place as soon as I am all moved in.