Thursday, November 27, 2008

I was not alone on Thanksgiving day.........

At the end of my street were OVER 10,000 people! The oldest consecutively run foot race in North America. As of this morning, 10,250 people had registered to run in Buffalo's 113th annual Turkey Trot.
And with all those people at the end of my street, I sweatered up the boys and headed down to check out the festivities. It was COLD, but spirits were up! It was
really cool to see all the people. God works in mysterious ways. I got to mingle with the karma of over 10,000 people and then return to my quiet toasty warm home.
Today, I am truly greatful for all that I have in my life today. I am truly blessed with the most beautiful 23 year old daughter that has a fantastic head on her shoulders, (lightyears ahead of her mom at that age, headed toward a great life). Two precious pups that make me laugh and feel loved every day. A great cozy home and neighborhood, good friends, family, and a job I love and can learn in every day.
There is so much more. Thank you Lord.
now to long to bake a 14lb turkey.........

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Revelation 3

As I was driving home from my Saturday afternoon lunch at Panera, I witnessed a car stopping all oncoming traffic, in the middle of the road waiting to get into my lane. I let the little old couple in front of me. A thought suddenly dawned on me as I followed this little old couple down Delaware Road.
My retirement vehicle! Not only do I have to save up in my 403B, but something that not a lot of us think about, I will also have to set aside money for my Crown Victoria or Mercury Marquise!!!!!! How much do those things cost any way???? Oh, if only they still made those big square Lincoln Town cars! You know, the kind that you could only make a 14 point turn in, a modified retirement version of the 3 point turn. I would get a yellow one with the black roof. With these economic times, the failure of GM, Ford and Chrysler, should I buy my Crown Victoria NOW???? And store it until I retire? What kind of cars will be available in the future? What kind of fuel will be available. Oh, sooooo many things to think about and plan for. I got my Social Security statement in the mail last month. It stated that if I want my full retirement amount I have to retire at 70!!! Will I shrink by then? Will I be able to see over the steering wheel? Will it matter? Will I just drive any way? I knew of a little old lady who lived on Troy Del Way and she had this beautiful Gold Caddillac. It was a well known fact that she would just pull out onto Sheridan drive without checking traffic. Yikes!!! Will that be me? I am a stubborn bull head now, who knows what dementia will
add to my personality? Everyone is talking about fuel efficient cars, new fuels, restructuring vehicles for the changing times. I know one thing they are not thinking about. And that is what kind of car are the retired little old people going to drive? Soon the baby boomer retiree’s will outnumber all other generations.
Something to think about Detroit………..

My dream retirement car

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Revelation 2

One of my most significant revelations. One goal I never achieved. In my spiritual journey, I was at the apex of my journey. My life was so good. I was in my dream job, I loved my home, I felt really good. Of course, I got greedy. I thought. If I feel this good now, how about I go to Denver and work for Trizetto???? What an adventure, what a beautiful place to live in. So I did, and those months before I moved and while I was there in Denver, I felt like all the terrible things in my life that I endured were finally OVER! The horrible pain and suffering was over. The sacrifices and the losses I never thought I could endure or forget were fading. The forty or more years of
a life that was just surviving the best that I could was over. I was finally really living a real and fantastic life! And I did it all on my own.
I was so proud of myself. I was starting a new life with new beginnings. Those first few months, working at a fantastic company, learning like a sponge. I was in my glory. I sold and gave away everything I had in NY to drive to Denver with just my little dog Jasper and what important books and things I could pack in my Tracker. So buying all new things with my hefty new salary in my really great
town house was like a dream. Meeting new people, exploring different areas every weekend. New restaurants! New shopping malls.
I have to say it was one of the most wonderful times of my life.
Well, how did I get there in the first place you ask? Hmmmmmm, well, a few years before I moved, I met a man. A man that I thought was my soul mate. I was married before, I was in love before, but this was something sooooooo different. He was beyond my soul mate. I fell so in love. And there were so many signs – for me – that told me he was my destiny. I learned and transformed because of him. I changed from a cold, shy selfish woman into someone that could put someone else first. Because this was a four year transformation we had good and bad. But even at my worst moments, he always came back. With stipulations of course. There were always conditions tied to his time with me. And I believed every word he said. Because he was really good at “Not saying” or not revealing the real truths. I won’t go into all of that. So after the on again off again situation. I realized that he would never make a place for me in his life. And since this was the love of my life, my one and only soul mate. How in the world can I forget him? I would have to move far away. Far away from his visits. Because no matter how much I would plead for him to stay away he wouldn’t. Silly me I took those visits as a sign that he really truly loved me. So when he would still stay in touch with me in Denver, I took that as a sign that
maybe he really is my destiny. But now I am in Denver, making a really good salary. Even if I wanted to move back to New York, there
just isn’t a job for me there. So this was one of the biggest goals I ever achieved. No moving to Denver was not it. It was moving BACK to NY to be with him. That was one of the hardest goals I ever gave myself.An example of this man's selective information sharing was that it wasn't until TWO WEEKS before I moved back that he let it slip that his ex-wife was currently LIVING with him. Actually he didn't let it slip, I had to pull it out of him like a wisdom tooth. My Operation Move back to NY project was already in full boar and at the point of no return. So for a few days I sulked, but then immediately went into my Scarlett O'Hara mode (As evidenced in my July 2, 2006 archive)I will move back to Tara, the land that I LOVE it is there I get my strength! And God as my witness I will Win him BACK!
So I did it. Just to be with him I put that wonderful world that I had finally found behind me. I had to really scrimp and save for the move. I returned to my old job. I knew the first week would be the hardest, but I put a smile on my face and faced all my old co-workers upon my return. I knew I might look like a failure, but I would endure anything to be back with him. When I got back to New York, I moved close to him. In Gasport, when that wasn’t enough, I moved again to Albion to be really close to him. That was even more horrible. I couldn’t sleep at night wondering if anything happened to my car, how would I get to work? I drove an hour to and from work every day. Just to be near him because he was my destiny…………..
My Revelation: He never loved me the way I thought he did. I created the whole 6 year romance in my head. The five minutes he would stop to visit I twisted into romantic overtures in my imagination. I was really blind to so many things that were right in front of me. He was really good at evading the truth to keep my imagination going. He never cared about me. It was the fact that I was available for him. That is the only reason why he came to visit. Because I was the perfect idiot for him to get what he needed and he could still carry on with his sham of a life. It took me a long time to come to this revelation. My Revelation: I loved a man that never existed. I built him up in the many many hours I waited. There was soooo much time in the “in-between” times to conjure up this fantastical romance. It was all in my mind. He is done with me now. I am not needed any more. I am the biggest fool. One goal I never achieved. But one more revelation in this Grand dad of revelations, in the time that I knew him I changed drastically for the better. I always thought I grew and transformed because of him, when actually it was in spite of him.

Revelation 1

The feeling of being valuable, essential to mental health, is a cornerstone of self discipline. This sense of “I am a valuable person” must come from your parents. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood. It is extremely difficult to acquire in adulthood. The result of consistent parental love will give a deep internal sense of your own value. But also a deep sense of SECURITY!!!!
My revelation: I always thought the answers to my prayers would be if I won the lottery. THEN I would finally be happy. And through a series of questions on my never ending quest and spiritual journey, I kept asking myself “why” to get to the deeper meaning of what would my happiness consist of? Well, I want a new house that I own all myself. I can buy a new car that will never break down or be repossessed. It will be comfortable, not noisy and clunky. But I still kept asking why? why? Until I came down to just the basic but powerful……I just want to FEEL secure.
I always thought that my consistency as the mountain goat, always reaching my goals as I slowly but surely headed to the top of that mountain was just part of my personality. The goal getter. I will learn and conquer. I can learn anything I put my mind to. And I did, and still do…….I would set insurmountable goals, and reach them. Like my dream job, or moving to Denver and THEN wanting to move BACK to NY. (see Revelation 2, another fine story). Nothing was impossible for me. But now I see it was just my way of obtaining security for myself. Trying to give myself a sense of sanctuary and safety. The warm fuzzies of life, because no one else would be able to do that for me. My parents certainly did not. They did the complete opposite in fact. My father’s side of the family abandoning me at a very young age because they just didn’t like my mother, (because for some ODD reason she acted a little pissed off when her husband, who brought her to America from a foreign country and then proceeded to beat her causing several miscarriages and blatantly having affairs with other women………..) No, that didn’t help. By the time I was old enough to be married my husbands couldn’t do it. Either I wouldn’t let them or in my quest to make myself the strongest woman in the world – I trampled them in my growth spurt to get to the top of the mountain.
Now? Well, I do feel happy and secure to a point. I am still in my dream job. I feel very blessed for all in my life today.
I have never felt as cozy and comfy as I do now in this house in Buffalo. I think it’s the area. Just a few blocks away is where I grew up pre – 13 yrs. Just a few blocks away is where my world was ripped to pieces when dad moved out and mom raised me and my brother. Maybe I have come full circle- to close the gap. And as always, when I have these revelations on my self, there is always that counter revelation of ……what have I done to my daughter?

More to come………

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

A New Day in History

I am very glad that this Nation can grow and mature enough to elect a Black American to the presidency. I am proud and happy to be a witness to this historic event. I may not be real happy about the Party but I am HOPEFUL. I am not disappointed, I am HOPEFUL.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Living Your Dream

I came across these video's about creating an eco village in Russia, they are short but tug at my heart. I would LOVE to live in this kind of villiage! Watch them all they are very interesting but mainly the last one, Living your any language you feel the love.........

A few excerpts from the beautiful movie about existing Eco-village in Russia.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Good Saturday morning.......

and the coffee is goooooood. Im on the porch, because i could see no sun in the living room. Ahhhhh possibilities
of what to do all day!!!! I have a meditation book i have been trying to read for an hour now but always getting side tracked, just like when i try to meditate! hhahahaha how apropos, the neighborhood is quiet at 9:40, the sun is warm and the leaves are rustling. I want to leave my carved pumpkin for now. Last night Halloween trick or treaters were slow at first but by 7pm a steady stream. I love Halloween and of course, by 7:30 I ran out of candy like I do every year. But the treaters were dwindled considerably by then so I think I only missed about 5.
I feel really great today. Life is good. On the list of possibilities for today, Potato leek soup and home made bread. I just put a bunch of banana's in a brown bag for banana bread tomorrow. Rake leaves, walk the boys in Delaware park - a must - they have been so good all week. Yoga of course, shows are DVR'd, but where to go for lunch? Panera? Pano's? Ahhhhh the choices of an autumn saturday afternoon..........

Oh also, my daughter has started her own blog........she seems to have an agenda and of course mom whole heartedly wants to help so I am forwarding on a link to her blog.