Monday, February 20, 2012

Spiritual Sensual Part II

Some things I forgot I wanted to say yesterday, cuz well, I'm getting old! And thats it! -Aging. I am envious of my friends in long lifetime relationships filled with history and memories and tradition. I am 53, am I too old for something like that now?
If I start a relationship now and live till 89 like my Gram, I could at least have a 30+ year relationship.
I don't want to die single. I want to be an old married lady. So, that said, I have been trying to meet "older" men closer to my age, past my age. But when I look at them all I can think in my mind is- God, they really look OLD.

The man I thought I loved for the last 8 years, I watched him age. I saw the grey hairs come in on the sides, his body changed some. But I didn't care, because he grew older while I loved him so it didn't matter to me.  I don't think I can accept a complete old looking stranger that way. This is why I got rejected by eHarmony, twice! The reason I was given was that I placed too much emphasis on physical attraction. I am not shallow. But I DONT look my age. And I do know how my heart works. I have TRIED dating the "really nice guys", the guys that were not 6ft tall, the guys that were not handsome, the guys that were a little pudgy.  My heart just wouldn't open up or stick.

BUT, there is one thing I did notce. Maybe someone from my past would be acceptable to my heart. I just recently went to see an old friend play in his band. We had been in contact on that very popular social media website. He had aged, But when I look at him I don't see what he looks like now. I see the spirit, the wit, the challenge and the handsome man he was, still. He still has that mischeivious twinkle in his eye. And he is in a really great relationship. So he is not an option for me. 

So maybe for my heart I need someone from my past, an old highschool heart throb, that is available. Maybe that is my only option for me now, There are a couple names that come to mind...........

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Spiritual Sensual

I have been writing about being spiritual and good. Being whole and of substance. I think I missed a whole side of myself in these writings. My sensual self. I have a very sensual side. Well, I do, and then I don't. I have always liked sex. I had never
really really loved it, until.......9 years ago. I was married several times before I met him. But it was him that made me truly love intimacy. The sex was good because I gave him my whole heart more than any one else I had ever loved before.
He came into my life and broke down all my walls, brick by brick. So I do have a sensual playful side to me. But I have only
experienced it with him. The man I named my dog after. I have to respect his privacy. He hates the Internet. So I have no problem being a Spiritual AND Sensual woman. Actually it is quite easy since I don't really have sex any more! Haha.
As I sit here I realize I don't even think about sex. Since he is not in my life any more I just cannot see being that close to anyone else. I would like to. I have tried to meet other men.  It is very hard to find an AVAILABLE man. I am certainly not going to share the deepest part of my soul with someone that is still married! Or living with someone, or in the "process" of a divorce. If  someone is not truly truly truly available to me, I cannot open up. I don't want to. I want someone that will fulfill me, honor me, love me and stroke my cheek. Is he even out there any more? I want to cook romantic dinners and dine by candlelight while I have  some frilly lacy thing from Victoria's Secret on. I want to make love in the rain. I want to kiss like there is no tomorrow, like you haven't seen me in 10 months and all you thought about was the softness of my lips on you. I want to send sexy text messages and emails of what I am going to do with you when you get home from work. I want to take steamy hot pictures and send them to your phone while you are in an important meeting. I want you to bring me flowers and hold me in the middle of the night. I want you to feed me oysters in the restaurant. I want you to look at me from across a crowded room and I see you want me in your eyes.
Don't get me wrong, there is quite a looooooooong list of men that  I know that would do ALL of those things for me. I just cannot reciprocate the same feelings. I have not felt this way with any other man, I WANT to. This man is no longer in my life, I know pretty much that we will never look into each others eyes ever again in the rest of my life time. So I want to meet someone to bring me alive again. To dust of my sensual self and make me love again. I haven't met any one that even comes near that around here. Maybe when I go to Sarasota I can ask all my guides and spirits and God to open my eyes and allow me to find someone that will be so good for my soul. My soul yearns for it now.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I was reading about Cobra pose in my Yoga Journal today. Normally I freak out when I see snakes. I don’t like them only because they are rather creepy. But as I was reading about the pose and the explanation of how the Cobra snake moves fluidly but can lift it’s upper body effortlessly while gliding so majestically forward, I actually could feel myself as the Cobra glide across the ground. Weightless. I pictured in my mind a beautiful golden Cobra and for the first time I was in awe of this creature. I was no longer opposed to it. Instantly I wanted to get into Bhujangasana Cobra pose, but it was lunch time and I was in the work cafeteria. I couldn’t wait to get home because besides the animal, the pose is also not one of my favorites. It hurts my back. But in all things I do not like,I try to become an expert at it, to understand it, dissect it, whatever I can, to overcome it. So I will do it, and I will try to do it right. The article states that you should offset the pose after with Child’s Pose or a Downward Dog.  During the pose you should activate your core for better control. Cobra is the start of small backbends. It improves spinal flexibility and strengthens the muscles in the arms and back, opens up your heart chakra and is an excellent stimulator of the endocrine system.

Excerpt from Yoga Journal Online
The cobra moves with its belly on the ground but must reach up to see clearly, much as we are often kept busy with worldly pursuits and have to make an effort to reach for higher goals. It takes faith and courage to rise above the material world and peer into the unknown spiritual world. Once the upper body is poised above the ground in Cobra Pose, we must accept whatever it is we see from this new vista. The lower back is consciously relaxed while the eyes remain focused on heaven.
The cobra’s ferocious nature cannot be ignored. It comes up sud­denly and with deadly force, much like the workings of nature or the trappings of the world. The cobra’s gift is in its ability to shed its skin. It is this shedding of skin that allows the cobra to continually transform and renew itself.
The very nature of life involves frequent shift and change. How do you feel about change and transformation? How do you feel about death? Many people are afraid to die, yet this fear prevents us from fully living. The archetype of the cobra inspires us to see the possibilities in­herent in every situation, accept whatever challenges we may be facing, and embrace all stages of life.
I don’t believe in coincidences. So falling upon this article from an old issue of Yoga Journal was what I needed for this time in my life. I am going through a transformation to be the best person I can be. I have been focusing on a good and spiritual life and material things are not important to me. I am learning to sit and just be. I am looking forward to my two weeks in Florida. I am grounding myself to be able to accept any adventure that comes my way in Sarasota/Lido Beach. I will open myself up to any possibilities that should come into my path, and accept what I see from this new vista. I will listen to any messages of what I should do with the rest of my future. Who knows who knows indeed? 

Empower and Honor you

I wake up every morning and I say my Intention is to love myself and create myself as the highest force of God-love on this earth. Does being in a relationship with someone that lies to you (or anyone) so easily a match for that God-Love life? No. And you cannot bring someone like that into your life. Because if you bring someone into your life that is not worthy of you they are holding the energy of your time and life and you will not meet someone who will EMPOWER you. Stay with a liar or be in a better relationship that honors you. Pretty simple choice to me.

Monday, February 13, 2012


All shallow roots must be uprooted because they are not deep enough to sustain you. The illusion that shallow roots can be deepened, and thus made to hold, is one of the distotions on which the reverse of the Golden rule rests.

I am not worried about my life. I am just being and knowing and accepting what God has in store for me.some times I get tested because I am still trying to work on my inner soul. The minute I doubt myself I get caught in someone else's lies because I believe all people are good.

My roots are deep so I am not afraid of these challenges to my soul, my terrible childhood loneliness creeps in sometimes and catches me off guard, but the woman of substance I have become sweeps that little Cindy behind her and like a mother bear protects her from those that would have tried to exploit her innocent trust.