Another Brick in the wall

So no I am not giving up easily. You would love to think that because it is more important for you to be right than any thing else. I am just smart enough to know you can't move a brick wall. I am trying to do things that my parents never taught me how to do when I was growing up. I tried. But you can only run into a wall and go splat so many times. There is no door on that wall. And maybe I am wrong to try to change things. Maybe it is not my place to think I can just waltz in and expect any thing. I have struggled very very hard the last many years to change my self and my life and to head down a spiritual path and so many times have fallen off the path to get back on. And I keep getting back on the path even tho things inbred in me just grab me like long fingered tentacles to come back, come back to that black hole soul life, it was so much fun Cyndie, being selfish and the center of bad peoples attention! Believe me! It can get frigging lonely being good and spiritual! But I get back on path, even tho it means being painfully alone every day and every night. But I sleep good, I have no demons to creep into my dreams. I have a quiet conscience that sleeps in thunder. It is because of this spiritual path that I can no longer subject myself to being the scapegoat, the person that needs to be punished. I can't have someone constantly label me as my past over and over again. Especially when some of your memories of me are so completely wrong and one sided. Maybe the best thing I can do is let you live your life with out me. Let you go on because it is a good life for you. I would only complicate things for you any way. I would be a wrong shaped brick in your very nicely conformed wall. I choose to stay away from negativity to stay on my path. And making myself the constant bad guy so you can be right and justified will eventually wear me down. I have worked too hard to pull my feet out of that muddy ground. I can't move walls. And I see no doors. 

Wildlife Weekend

Oh you know how I love the animals so! I thought this would be a wonderful weekend outing, staying over night at Busch Gardens! Taking photo's of the animals on safari and at night. 

It was quite special. The people were interesting. I learned that I do NOT want to become an overweight bitchy old woman. It's just pictures people, so someone gets in your way. GEZ. 

But that wasn't the the real reason for the slight disappointment. All in all it was a fun experience and I am glad I went. I did get a "Fun Pass" so I can go back as much as I want until Dec 2013. It was really awesome to see the majestic and beautiful animals. To feed and touch the giraffes. Yes, I wanted to take the baby home with me. He followed our truck with that "hey, don't leave me!" look. 

The more I wandered around the vast Gardens, I noticed that the animals were all about feeding time. It was their only existence,  to wait for food. To eat food. Everything was based on feeding time. It just seemed really sad. To see the otters actually begging for their little morsels of fish. 

The animals paced. Even tho their surroundings were large and natural to a point. They all paced. Waiting for lunch. The anteater wore a path around the perimiter of its large cage. As if it has OCD, it walks the walls non-stop. It was sad to see. I felt like I was viewing a room in a mental institution and the anteater was walking walking walking. Even a small stream did not stop him, it was part of his "path"

This is the look of a beautiful majestic tiger, watching for the keepers to throw some meat. Waiting, watching. 

We started Sunday around 2pm, took photos, and we had a sunset and a sunrise safari on the truck. We also took a  night time hike through the park when it was closed which  was pretty awesome! The next day, after I left the group for good,  it took me from 10 am to 4pm to walk around the park and see the whole thing! It really is a great park. I just am not sure how I feel about the animals being there. Yes they are safe and will live a good life. But is this life? I wonder, my dogs are domesticated. But they were bred to be taken care of. They would not do well in the wild. Am I wrong too? I have a never ending large love for all animals. I relate to them much more than I would real people. On this  adventure, I was not real fond of most of the people on safari with me. Some of the women were really very nice. We chatted, small talk. A few of the men were nice too. But all in all, it just reinforced my experience that men are totally selfish and ignorant. If we were in cars I am pretty sure I would have been cut off many times. And women tend to get bitchy in their old age. I caught myself wanting to be a turtle and pull in my head and arms and close them and all society out. To be alone with just myself and my dogs. 

Wow! What a revelation I just got. Maybe I was a turtle in my old life. Because I do carry my home around with me and move around a lot. I do like to hide in my shell more than make the effort to be with people. Its such a CHORE!  And well, yep, the hard shell. It is almost impossible to break through to my hard shell. If I don't want you to reach me, believe me, you won't. 

I did get some really great photos tho. I love my new camera. Maybe in time I can learn to crack a little and socialize a little more. 

Because I am looking for a mate. I will make room for a mate and I will change some of my solitary ways for the right person. 

I am done defending myself

I am a good person. Trying to do the best I can in my spiritual journey.  I am not perfect  and I know the person I used to be had many issues. But I refuse to keep negativity in my current life by continuously trying to defend myself for my past, especially when people have limited and obviously distorted memories themselves. I will only apologize for what I know are FACTS. Your family has a history of twisting history to their advantage, and we all know if you keep telling lies you start to believe it as a true story. Get your facts straight. And this I say to my blood family. There is a reason I got away from this pack. Survival instincts. 

Calendar Pages

November 1st already. I save all my calendar pages. I don't know why. As I was turning my calendar page, I looked back. This particular calendar started at my desk at Fidelis. I started the year working at Fidelis, living in Lyndonville, went to Florida in March and somehow fell in love with it. Had a phone interview on the drive home from Florida and the company moved so quickly, I was suddenly working from home, at yet another dream job. In Lyndonville. 

Lyndonville suddenly got very small when you are there every day. My landlord pressured me on deciding if I want to buy the house. When it came right down to it. I could not. I knew that the area had served its purpose for my spiritual growth. But it was time to point my face to the sun. Signs and nudges pushed me like a sailboat in the wind to Sarasota. And just like the wind, once their jobs were done, the winds died down and were no longer. 

Which for me is good. I am very adaptable. I can meander like a brook to get where I need to be. I love where I am. I love the anticipation and the possibilities. I just need to make some friends because it can also get very lonely. This area is certainly conducive to bringing your pet along for lunch dates. But I would like a little more conversation. I no longer have or want the option to meet new friends at bars. Drinking and bar friends are not a life style I choose any more. I want to get out and about. I have another photography class tonite. I know that is a great path that I chose. I hope it leads me to many avenues I have never considered. 

Two more months left in this year. Who knows what I may be adding to the rest of my days.....

My lunch date at Cha Cha Coconuts