Sunday, April 23, 2017

Setting the record straight - I really am not the bad guy

I want to set the record straight and I say these words with love and kindness.  Yes, it is true that I do not interact with almost all of my family. But lets face it, most of my remaining family is kind of toxic. We all have that alcoholic and narcissist gene. I stay away so my family doesn’t trigger mine. I try to keep it in check.

But mainly I guess I inherited my stubborn German bull headedness from my dad. I inherited a lot of things from him. Nothing good.  My family will tell you that it was ME that disappeared.  Well that may be so, but there is a reason why.  Through the years in the beginning I reached out to my family and my blood many many, many times. Of those many times I was pretty much dismissed, cancelled on, ignored or forgotten.  So in my defense and for my health and sanity, I had to extricate the things that made me feel so abandoned and yes, hurt by not being quite that important enough to maintain some communication. It felt like my father abandoning me all over again every time.  It was always me that would have to reach out, visit, come to you. Never the other way around. The worse was and still is holidays by myself.  Everyone else with big families and couldn’t even remember to invite me. And that is fine. If that is your world well then that’s ok.  But for me, my only defense  is to just no longer have these people in my life so that I do not continually hope, or expect.  I took myself out of the equation to guard my heart from continuous rejection.
And at this point I do not need an invite as I certainly am not going to go out of my way and leave my comfortable home to visit those that never were able to get in the car to visit me. I say this with love and kindness.  I know that communicating with me may take more “work” that my family is not capable of, like “quit drinking” or set aside rigid rules they created for themselves, or forget and forgive the person I was in the past. And especially dismiss lies about me they were told.  I say this with love and peace.  Because I am at peace. I understand why my family dismissed me so easily. I ask that my family understand why I need to keep them at arms length. For my own heart and soul’s survival.  I have grown by leaps and bounds. I have created a most peaceful and wonderful life for myself now, overcoming the terrible things I have inherited from my dad. I would love to share this with my family, but part of my sane mental state is not dwelling on the past or setting myself up for disappointment.  So I will not hope any more.  I will not allow any negativity in my life.  I wish my family well and a very very good life.