Monday, November 25, 2013

This is me…..

I had just started my Spiritual Journey, I was quite naive but my life was pretty shitty so I needed to head in a different direction.It was very hard but I made good changes in my life and was starting to really become a whole person.  I always believed what people told me. In this picture it had to be, oh 2002. It was also the beginning of my career and moving forward slowly but surely to my dreams and goals. I believed I could do it, so I think that was the driving force of why I am where I am. No one told me I could not do it.  That, and always being in gratitude for what you have. I look at this picture. I just wanted a simple thing. To fall in love and be loved. I made a lot of really dumb choices in men. But at least at the time of this picture I was strong enough to recognize, remove and rebuild….with a lot of learning in the process.  This picture was taken when I was in my prime.  That was a long time ago.  I am not Prime any more. Just me. My career is gangbusters and doing even better than expected. I even have a more awesome opportunity happening tomorrow! More to come….  
I wish I could go back to the day this picture was taken. I would do so many things differently,  maybe I would have 10 years of happy memories and traditions that I would have been sharing with a husband I could have been with for over 10 years now. But I took a different route and my trust took me to very lonely places in my life. I am working with God to try to figure out the lessons I was supposed to learn. Why I allowed myself to lose such precious years. I am still strong so I am sure I will get through it. But my pain is observing friends and family today that have all these Holiday traditions they do every year with each other. Years of memories together.  I just want a tradition, a memory of something  "we" do every year with each other. I am old now. No one really wants to invest life with a misfit these days.  My Christmas wish is to go back to this day.  To make better decisions with my life and to have picked better. I would fill this hollow life with family traditions and memories. 

This is me now, and I AM doing well, and I am happy, as happy as a woman can be that doesn't have any traditions.   

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

I Am Exactly Where I Am Supposed To Be......Again.....

New me, new home!!!    Heaven, I'm in heaven! And I thank the Lord for always giving me the delights of my heart. I love being home. I love being able to see Ursula and Katherine, Barb and all my friends within a few minutes! Even in Lyndonville it was an hour drive to see any one!  I am doing my yoga,  I am running. I walk my boys every day along Tonawanda Creek! Sometimes more if the weather is good. The Weather!!! Its been GLORIOUS!!!!  Open windows with cool crisp breezes. And can we talk about my windows??? 20 feet high and I see the lovely N. Tonawanda and the creek, boats, runners, dog walkers. My job, oh I love it and believe me it challenges me every day. But I accept the challenge. It keeps my brain young that is for sure. 

So I need to make sure I keep to my word and not continue to keep repeating things that did not work in my past.  I am eating healthy. I am going to do more outdoors things even in the winter! Less drinking. Lets face it. Drinking does NOTHING good for me. I like a nice glass of wine here and there and I love to go out dancing to a great band. Across the street is The Dockside and they have all my favorite bands there. So yes! I will go. Im not going to give it up, just not as often. 

I want to explore and do different wonderful things. I am going to Kirtan Friday. I have always wanted to go and I am going darn it. I am going to do more Meetups that have hiking an kayaking and snowshoeing. More 5K races. I am also going to try the Niagara Climbing Center! There a a multitude of Farmers Markets to go to. Barb and I went to the Bidwell Pkwy one last Saturday and then walked Delaware Park even tho it was pouring rain in the morning it got better by 9.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

 My job has me traveling all over, Dallas, Manhattan, Boston. OH I have a Go Live Dec 18 in Manhattan so I can go ice skating at Rockefeller Center and take that off my bucket list soon!!!  2014 I will be traveling to Vegas twice for another client. God spoils me. My boys are even doing better. Jasper seems better now that I have him on a holistic diet. My 11 year old puppy no longer has the dementia he had in Florida.  Over the winter I will go to RV shows. I will get a nice luxury Class C. Not in a rush tho. I am doing my 90 days of JNL and then 90 days of Tapout XT. OH I WILL TRANSFORM this body, and I WILL post pics here. 


Thursday, August 15, 2013

There's no place like home, I say that all the time!! NOW I get it.....

Soon! Ten more days and my wonderful friend Katherine will be flying down here just to drive home with me! We will take a nice 4 days to visit St Augustine, Myrtle Beach, Baltimore MD for crab cakes and then home! The more I think about my new home at the Remington Lofts, it is right in the middle of everything and my friends and cousin Ursula. I can have lunch with my old Fidelis friends too! 
God really guides me to the best. I just wish I didn't have so much freedom that I just pick up and move in the first place! I have no butt glue! Hahahahaha. 

I am listening to a radio show about forgiveness and if you do not forgive and hold a grudge you could get cancer.   So I thought about it. I don't have anyone to forgive, there is no one I am mad at or hold bad thoughts about. There are a few members of family that I do choose to no longer be in contact with. 
Only because we all are not close any way. They cling to terribly bad memories of me from my past. 
I have changed so much from that. In order for me to continue to grow and have peace in my life, I cannot have people in my life that drag me back to an old ghost of a person I was. 

My brother and his family have never really included me in their family activities. Birthdays or Holiday gatherings. So lets just leave it that way.  My daughter, I am just her bio-mom. Nothing more. And I accept that. There really is no place for me in her life. It would just disrupt her perfectly organized life. 
The fact that she has a wonderful life makes me happy and that is all I need to know now. The fact that she did not learn any of my awful faults makes me ecstatic. I want her to have peace NOW and not have to fight to find it over family traits and faults like I did. 

I thank God for my awesome friends and family that are so happy I am coming home! I thank God for the great job that I love that allows me to live ANYWHERE! I thank God for my boys who have been my close family now for 11 years. In my life longer than my dad or any husband, hahaha. 
I thank God for my awesome new Loft apartment. I thank God for a safe and pee our pants laughing road trip back home in a couple weeks!

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Best for Last

My adventures and my freedom has taken me many places. Because of my freedom I have ventured too far from home thinking that a gorgeous condo on Tampa bay watching dolphins and pelicans every day would be what is best for me. 
I always have to learn the hard way. I have friends and a cousin that miss me! I have co-workers from my old job that miss me! Why am I in paradise where I have no friends and no family? (That wants me) 
I have  been here a year, and it has been a very very lonely year. I was distracted by Florida's beauty and wonderfulness that I didn't realize that I am frigging ALONE every day. day in and day out. When I go places, when I venture out, when I go to the farmers market or the beach, or dinner at Tryst or the beach bars I am alway ALONE.  

So, I am returning home to where many many people want me to come home. I will cherish these people more than they KNOW! Really, They have no idea the fact that they are honest with me. Miss me!! 

Of course I still continue to live my awesome life. You think I would leave my gorgeous condo on Tampa Bay for just anything?  I always wanted to live in a loft apartment..... 

just another one of my dreams coming true

My life is awesome. God Spoils me. 

I just wish the lessons I had to learn weren't so frigging expensive. If I had the money for every time I moved....yeah every time I move to be near Jeffery that asshole owes me at least  
50 grand. The fucker. But hey, my life is so much better now with out him.  

Sunday, June 02, 2013

God Spoils Me

I have been so grateful to God that this is my home, my desk. I look out onto such an abundance of nature every day and I never have to leave my home. I got a kayak a few weeks ago and literally just got back from an awesome kayak on the bay this morning before 10 a.m.  Its been really windy all week so when the bay looked like glass out there I hurried and got in a quick paddle.  The biggest workout is carrying that thing up and down my stairs to the balcony!!! Hey any work out I will take! 
I found a great yoga on Create TV I do every morning as well.  
Jasper turned 11 yesterday! My little buddy, my rock, my travel companion, my family. It was a bittersweet happy birthday because, well, 11 my number, and 11 he is getting up there. He shows no signs of aging thank you Lord. He is still as spunky and grumpy as ever!!!  Jeffery is good too altho, he has gotten skinny because he does not eat when I board them at the kennel when I travel. A few months ago I traveled 5 out of 6 weeks. Portland Maine, Cleveland, San Diego, back to Cleveland, Detroit. All my projects all culminated at the same time.  Can we talk about my job? I love love love it. 
Granted that travel was extensive, but then for about 4 months I worked from my home and didn't travel at all.  It depends on the project.  My bosses have been awesome and encouraging.  I am living all my dreams.  I do still have that one issue. When I drink I turn into an asshole. I don't have a lot of friends here in St Petersburg, I was stupid to think I could make friends at bars, drinking. Those are not the kinds of people I really want as friends. I need to venture out to yoga classes, meditation classes. I would LOVE to find a live Kirtan group here. I need to find my earthy crunchy people!!! I will. I have to stop drinking all together. Even one drink leads to an asinine event on the internet. 
God has given me so much. God has granted so many of my hearts desires. Life is truly awesome right now. 
my daily view, soda water!!