Sunday, October 30, 2011

Yes you CAN change your past!

Thanks to the wonders of this wonderful world of technology, I have spent most of the afternoon in Black Rock. And I didn't even have to leave my couch. I was on Facebook on the site, I grew up in Black Rock. And I spent hours pouring over the pictures, reading other people's comments and even talking to several people I hung out with when I was a kid. First let me just say, I cannot stand it when people put down Facebook, especially people that have never been on it. How can you judge what you do not know? Because of Facebook, I have found so many friends I had not spoken to in years! I found my childhood friends, school mates, old crushes, and crushes on me I never knew about! It has brought me such joy. Answered long age old questions and allowed me closure on many things as well. On a regular daily basis I talk to all my old friends I have missed for years. We share all our joys and sorrows together again. It is so awesome to ask my highschool friends for their sauce recipe, or "Like" an old co-worker's Grandkid's pics.
So I went to my little old suitcase of my mom's pictures and looked for pictures I could post and share on the site too. Besides sneezing alot, old old pics, I found some great grade school photos to add to the Black Rock site. I know I always refer to my childhood as awful and horrible. I say that because of what I had become because of what I thought I had lacked. And there I saw it. The light and the hope and the happiness in that cute little girl's face. Look at her smile. I was so innocent and full of wanting to learn. I remember being in first grade and I always read ahead, trying to find words I didn't know. I actually was thrilled that I finally found a word I did not know, it was Ebenezer. But it took so long for our class to get to that page and I finally sounded it out and figured it out. I was too smart and it bugged me! Hahahaha.
So I have chosen to change my past. I am not going to remember the few bad things that were sprinkled into my life. I am choosing to remember the good things that adorable little girl cherished and loved unconditionally before she learned there was right and wrong. Before she knew that wishes didn't come true and that the Beatles did not play on TV from Shea's stadium every year like the Wizard of Oz came on every year.
I chose to look at the world with wide eyed innocence and expect every thing I want to come true, will come true.
I choose to remember the good memories of my childhood like my mother cooking in the kitchen, playing in the yard with all the kids from Jasper Parish projects, laughing hysterically with my best friend Sandy Strzyz. Playing Barbies with Patty and Cathy Fabian. Watching my grandma make pies with such ease! Sitting on Grandma's porch in the rocking chairs on Riverside Ave. I am only going to remember the good things from now on.

little Cindy

I owe it to this sweet adorable little girl with hopes of the brightest future to make the rest of my life as awesome and genuine and great as she expected.

Monday, October 24, 2011


Terri and I ran in the International 5K in Canada this weekend. Terri came in SECOND for our age group, I came in 7 (of 28).
I have learned that with training and perserverence and patience I can do anything! What a great weekend we had. We picked up our packets Saturday and went to the Pasta party, came back Sunday to run the race. Canada was awesome and beautiful, and then we cross the Rainbow Bridge and you have to lock your doors. I am ashamed of you USA and NY.

I am hooked more than ever on running, trail running. Yoga and eating healthy! Man how awesome is the world when you don't have to drink to have a good time. Oh an the men! With fabulous thighs and calves..........
I have died and gone to heaven. Good friend. Good times.

I never got this high on shots of Patrone!

Terri you are such a good friend! You push me and motivate me to do the best I can do! Love you!

In my best respectful interest

Oh I have been soul searching and reading and figuring out the whys and how’s of what I do. And what I have done that obviously is NOT working. Nothing I have done in the past has worked because –Hellooooo I live alone with 2 dogs. So I am very aware that I need to change the way I think and do things that will be in my best respectful interest to ME. One thing I am sure of, I was too shy or too scared to ask the right questions, I let obvious red flags slide. I gave but never received. I let the men call all the shots cuz I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. I would let the guy decide when we saw each other. And look where it got me….Helllllooooo I love alone with 2 dogs!!

I have to figure out what was so wrong with me that I thought it was ok to be someone's secret go to person for sex. Plain simple and dirty.  I am not stupid, I know that is what it was. Sometimes I would try to end it. I even moved to Denver once to stop being around him. But he pulled me back. He says he never did or made me do anything I didn't want to do. Yes he is right. But he didn't have to come over and visit me either. He didn't have to email me or text me, or send me pictures all the time. We both tango'ed there. I just finally want to know why I let it happen for so many years. I can blame him and say he manipulated the truth enough to keep me hanging but no, I am going to claim this myself so I can finally get over it.

So I have to start creating some new rules for my life. And I will follow these rules, because it is for my best respectful interest. And the best part of sticking to these rules, It does not matter to me if sticking to these rules keeps me alone with 2 dogs, because I love my life any way. But I would like someone to share it with. If he follows these rules. If I don’t follow these rules I will just end up with the men and crap I have had all my past…….

So men, listen up do not contact me if:

• If you are married. If you are so frigging happily married for 25 years then why are you contacting me????? If you do get divorced, don’t contact me for at least 1 year after you have been LEGALLY divorced. You need to be on your own, to heal. I don’t want your rebound baggage.

• If you are currently seeing someone. You think I don’t know? Do not contact me unless you have been alone, without a woman for at least a year. Like I said, I don’t want your baggage. If you are contacting me while you are with someone else, you have big issues. It is disrespectful to her and to me. Or you have no respect for women in general. Stay away from me.

• If you are a serial relationship hopper. Can’t be alone on your own for 1 week. If you have had more than 1 or 2 relationships a year (and you are still alone)……something is wrong with you. Stay away from me.

• Complete and utter honesty. If you cannot be honest, And yes omitting large pieces of data is lying. If you have to hide something, it must feel wrong to you. I will not tolerate lying. Don’t contact me.

• If you cannot tell anyone in your family, or your friends etc about me, then that is disrespectful to me. Like the above, you must think it is wrong if you have to hide something. Don’t contact me.

• If we do not have the same interests, then what will we do together? If you are a fat couch potato and can’t keep up with me, then don’t contact me.

• If you have the baby momma drama –ugh puhleeeze don’t contact me.

• If you have an abnormal relationship with your ex, that - We are still such good friends we still talk 3 times a week shit is crap! You are just setting up any other relationships for failure. Let her go. Don’t contact me.

• If you have the urge to tell me every fucking story about you and your ex…….DO NOT CONTACT ME.

• If you do not have the time to commit to seeing each other more than once a week, or if your schedule takes you out of town like 250 days a year, when did you think we would see each other??? Don’t contact me.

• If you feel the need to swear and say the F *bomb in front of me …don’t contact me.

• If you own a Harley Davidson, don’t contact me.

• If you can’t wine and dine me, take me out, candy, flowers, presents……don’t contact me.

• If you have Erectile Dysfunction. Do not contact me.

• If you don’t love dogs. Don’t contact me.

• If you don’t like coffee or sushi Don’t contact me.

 • If you are a Gemini GOOD GAWD Don’t contact me.

• If you smoke cigarettes, don’t contact me.

• If you do drugs or smoke pot or drink very heavily, don’t contact me.

• If we have not seen each other in 10 years, I have changed. So don’t contact me.

All of you, and God there are so many of you who continuously keep contacting me. If I am not with you now, I never will be. STOP!!!!! Its not even flattering any more.

For the highest good of myself. I am finally thinking of myself for a change. And if you can’t follow my rules, I don’t see you in my future. The thing is, I do see an awesome man that will be in my future. Someone that will treat me the best for a change. And I will do everything I can to make myself the best for him. I am working on myself and learning why I do the things I do and I have come thru with some great insights and breakthroughs. I have to respect myself first. And if its just me and my 2 dogs well, I can handle that too.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

It's taken a loooong time but no more same old same old.

I am finally breaking the mold. I refuse to live the same old life i had always lived that had never served me. Slowly but surely I am realizing dreams I only thought i could wish for....some day. That some day is today. I am no longer tied to old family karma, no longer living in familiar fears. The rest of my life is going to be pretty awesome. My list of goals and wishes have lots of check marks, done! So, don't be surprised if you see me driving down the road in my big Winnebego! I won't!

Friday, October 07, 2011

Soul Purpose?

Why should HIS daughter get a wonderful life and mine doesn't? I am reading a book on souls and why are we on this earth? Because our souls have something to experience and create? So my soul created that horrble sad childhood to make me desparate and clingy and dysfunctional enough that i would choose to let my beautiful daughter grow up with her father at a young age so that she would never be like me and feel that hole and void in her heart that I felt and still do? Dysfunctional enough so that I would feel it was my destiny to spend 8 years of my life as a secret support to a man so he would be able to raise HIS daughter to have a good life? To be his friend and confidant and slut on the down-low so it would enable him to be functional to be there and raise HIS daughter? THAT was my soul's purpose for this life? And then to be abandoned and tossed away like a paper towel that has lost its usefulness?

I don't think so.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Oct 2 - What happened to me?

A year ago exactly I was living in Buffalo and I was on this gung-ho self-sustaining homestead kick. I was making swiss steak in cast iron dutch ovens and pepper jelly. I was drawing up plans to buy property to live in the woods in a cabin off-grid and visions of wood burning stoves and rain barrels danced in my head. THIS is what would have made me happy. My own garden and chickens. I have a 3 ring binder 5 inches thick collecting dust in the dining room to prove it. I even started a different blog to chronicle my transition from city to homestead. I was willing to build my cabin with my own hands just like my hero Anne Labastille did.
What happened? What took me off track? OK there was that little panic attack in Allegheny last year when I didn't know I was experiencing menopause symptoms. I did move out to the country to a beautiful home with heat and electricity so I don't have to really go off grid. No, something else. Someone else. I was doing really well. I had put that person behind me. I was moving forward with purpose. Then this person selfishly contacted me like he did so many times before. What is wrong with me that I would allow someone to abandon my dreams for a life that is so opposite of what I believe in.
What is wrong with me that I would let him reel me in with such ambiguous unclear almost non-existent promise or hope?

Well, at least I am aware of this now. These are things I will contemplate as I sit here on this blustery day, rebuilding respect for myself. While making soup in my cast iron dutch oven and meditating on moving into harmonic resonance as I re-connect with nature.
I KNOW I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel that. I trust I will make the right decisions and choices now that I am slowly getting back on track. I am not in a hurry for my answers. I know I am strong enough now that I will not allow the wrong kind of distractions to take me off course. I am not blinded any more that I can be persuaded by the persons that make me doubt myself so that I engage in really bad behaviours that just are not me. I know me and I am BETTER than that. I am awesome. If someone wants to remain alone for the rest of their life because their selfish bratty daughter expects them to well, I can't respect that. And if that person can lie to his own daughter in the face for 8 years, I can't imagine the stories I was led to believe! I let it all go now. Not my problem-o!  I will not lose my groove now. No worries, I know where I am going. I just have to keep doing what makes me happy and where is that recipe for pepper jelly.............

November 7, 2012 (addendum)

Ater talking to him Aug 2012 when he stopped to visit me, I asked him about his girlfriend. He corrected me and said he has a "friend", that she has kids and that isn't his thing. I realized that he is doing the same thing to her that he did to me. He can't even commit to her to call her his girlfriend, up to his usual tricks and  casting his "spells" to keep her hanging as long as he can. Good luck honey. I wish you both well. 

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Sept 24 - A typical fall day in Lyndonville

7:30 a.m Up and out on the road already! It is our turn to pick up the CSA organic veggies at Porter Farms.
We get there and LOOK! Sheep, Katherine and I love the sheep. Unfortunately, it is what we thought. They are being raised for meat. At least they have a happy life before hand. Just like Lubbock farms that I pass on the way to work every morning. Those beef cattle are good looking cattle. Gorgeous chocolate brown colors. And it helps me to know they are living a happy life know. I myself am not a vegetarian. I do lean more toward being a vegetarian most of the time but I do still eat meat, chicken and salmon. I cannot give up sushi.
On the way to Porter farms we spotted a place that sells white pumpkins and cool gord type things. We load up Big Bertha with the 28 bags of veggies and we made sure we had room to pick up some designer pumpkins as well.

Veggies delivered on time by 10 a.m. Home by 11. I have a bit of a hard time arranging my pumpkins on the front porch so they do not look like phallic symbols. I do not want to insult the neighbors. I am on the main village road!

The sun comes out so not wanting to waste such a beautiful day, I take Jeffery hiking at Hamlin Beach State Park, down the road a piece. Jasper is not hiking material. He stays home. We hiked to Devils nose right on the water.
And on the other side of the park was a nice nature trail.

Jeffery leads the way!!!

Me and my hiking buddy. What a wonderful fall day it was. I can't wait to hike when the leaves start to change color and it smells like you are inside a giant pumpkin!    More to come!!  I found lots of hikes in CNY just waiting for me and Jeffery!  And to finish off this typical fall day in Lyndonville, Curly's kicked off the season with a Band and we danced the night away.....................

Sept 16-17 Golden Hill State Park

Lately we have been having one beautiful fall day after another. So Friday, the 16th I got out of work early and packed Big Bertha for her first camp out!

I had traded in my trusty Tracker that took me to Denver and back and numerous camping trips I cannot count for my dream truck, Big Bertha (Toyota FJ Cruiser)
I set up our campsite on the water pretty fast and easy. Beautiful view of my favorite Lake Ontario.

Terri arrived around 7, we had burgers and 1 beer each. Two totally awesome women afraid to drink more because we didn't want to ruin our willpower by texting or calling in a drunk moment of weakness to undeserving jerks. I left my cell phone home any way. My weak moments seem to come even when not drunk. And note this women: It is not the person you miss, it is the "idea" of what was. The memory of what was. Not the person himself. It is just hard to discern when your mind is floating and befuddled with ferment.
Well I planned on sleeping in Big Bertha with the boys, Terri slept in the tent. In the middle of the night, nature called.  It was warm and cozy and spacious in the truck with my manimals. Well I got out to go- but I couldnt cuz the light was on and I didnt want to attract attention, so I slammed the door shut that was ajar........and my new truck that I am not used to yet, did that blinking thing it does before it LOCKS!!! My heart dropped, my boys and all my keys are in there! Its 3 a.m. in the middle of a camp ground! I checked every door and the door I came out of---opened! Whew! Of course it took a while to go back to sleep, my heart was just pounding, a little bit of a panic attack kicked in but I did enjoy the glow of the moon through the windows.....
We woke up in the morning and it was FREEZING! We opted to make coffee and then go home. This was not fun. Well then I said, lets at least use up all the wood first since its nice and toasty and then we can leave.Well while sitting at the toasty fire we decided, lets make bacon and eggs and then we can leave.

Terri is now the official egg flipper. The sun came out during breakfast and our cozy fire! So well, lets go on a hike first and then we can go home. So we hiked and it was a nice hike in the woods.
Terri finally did go after noon. I stayed to read for a while just watching the lake in the sun. A while ago I had asked for a specific feather sign. Cuz I had heard it somewhere......instead of asking for just a sign, be more specific. So I picked feathers. Terri and I joke about it all the time. Like I could be sitting somewhere and someone would shoot a duck above my head, because hurting any animals mortifies me........I can barely drive to work because I have to avert my eyes from any lumps in the road. You would be surprised at the amount of wild life in the boonies....on the side of the road.
So I asked for a feather sign to help me in making my life decisions. I am relaxing on the edge of the lake when I see two big white swans floating my way. I am not sure how to decipher this sign. I am pretty sure these are the same two swans that used to visit Green Harbor (which is a few miles down the lake) where I had my RV the season of 2007. I am still not sure how to decipher this sign.