Learning to love

One of the most significant things I learned about myself during my winter of soul searching was that as a child my family, whole family abandoned me in so many ways. But even so, I cannot and will not use that as an excuse. I will rise above it. I will rise above watching my father beat my mother when she was pregnant, causing her to have many miscarriages. 

Forget at 4 years old clinging to my mother in the front seat of the car while my father tried to push her out of a moving vehicle. Forget my father finally leaving us, only to pick us up every Sunday to drop us off at Gramma's so he can go be with his girlfriends. 

I will not be victimized by the fact that his whole family turned their back on me so that I grew up not knowing my cousins, my aunts and my uncles. I had no sense of family. 

I will rise above the fact that I was raised by a mother who did not know this country's ways, but she did the best that she could for us. She really did. She really did not show me what a true mother daughter relationship was. All I can remember since I was small was that she somehow was hoping she could make money off me, she sent me to so many schools, dancing, acting, charm school and modeling schools. She was so disappointed in me because I never became famous and rich for her. Her mantra was always, marry a rich doctor. I will not blame her for favoring my brother over me all the time. Even to the point of hiding food from me to give only to him. 

Yep I could really wallow in all this abandonment. And maybe I did in the beginning of my life. I did so many things wrong because I had no one in my life to teach me how to love my family. Now I have learned how to love the people that mean so much to me. I created my own family. They may not be blood relation but I love these people fiercely. I am still learning but I think I am doing so much better than I did in my early life. It may be too late to save any relationships with my real family. It may be too late to ever be a real mother to my daughter. The most important thing in my life to me now is to try to be "something" to my daughter. A friend, a supporter, someone she can trust. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done it my life. And it is the most important. More important than anything or anyone in my life. I will not give up. What I don't know, I will learn. I want to listen and to be there. I will be there.

The Last Train Out of Town

Friday I had dinner with three of my closest friends. I cherish and love them dearly. Katherine, Barb and Terri. You see before you 4 awesome women. All single because we will not settle for any thing but exactly what we deserve. Yes, we can be intimidating because we can take care of ourselves, we are financially stable and well, the one thing that scares most men away--- We will not accept bad behavior! We will not accept disrespect. 

Our last toast together was:

I want a man that is going to chase me like I am the Last Train Out of Town!!!!!!!

I get contacted a lot  but not by any available men. But I am very hopeful and confident that soon I will be meeting some vibrant single men where I am going.  I am sure of it!!! Can't wait. 
This time I will do everything right. 

I feel trapped

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't go out and take a walk in the neighborhood. If I do venture out its like a 30 mile drive to any where with stores and restaurants.

When I first moved here I had such hopes and dreams of love and moving to the country!

And then in a matter of months my dreams and heart deflated. I set my hopes on a flimsy foundation. I should have known better, I know. The next 2 years I spent healing, spiritually searching for the reasons why I would think loving a man like this was a good idea. If he didn't respect me I certainly must not have respected myself. So I built 

trust within myself. I dredged the deepest parts of my soul for reasons and answers to why I 

did the things I did all my life. I spent months pouring over books and podcasts on how to 

understand my shadow, on how to reveal my darkest fears and I faced so many of them. I 

cried and clawed my way out of my nightmares. I confronted ghosts and really learned a lot

about myself. About where I came from. And now about where I need to go. 

I figured out why security meant so much to me. It was not the house or car or material things.

It was the security. I grew quite a bit since that cold March day I drove through a snow storm with my little Chevy Tracker filled with boxes and belongings to this house. Since then this house has lost its sparkle. This town has lost its gleam. This is not the kind of town or area for a single woman. There are no opportunities to meet any eligible nice single men here. And this town treats attractive single women like the plague for sure! The women will not befriend me and well, the men who are not available? Ha ha ha they sure have contacted me! They tried any way. Not by any invitation from me, that's for sure. I don't want a man that cheats on his wife or girlfriend. Big red flag!!! 

So I just wait. Just a few more days. A little over a week and I am soooooo out of here. 

Yes I am moving again. Out of Lyndonville. Sorry to say, I won't look back on this town with fond memories. There were none. 

Me? Oh I am on a new adventure! I look forward to this adventure with my new eyes, my new confidence. I am a different woman now and what I have to offer is spectacular and beyond substance. I am real. I am vital. The next wonderful available man (or men) that cross my path in the near future are in for a real treat. I plan to enjoy myself immensely while searching for the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Now that I have spiritually done allot of work on myself, I am now capable to pick the RIGHT man, and sustain a loving relationship. Oh I KNOW it will take work and I am not afraid of that. I know what it takes to sustain a good relationship now. I can't wait to get started.........

I will post pics of my new place as soon as I am all moved in.

Big big changes

Life throws curve balls at you and you can catch em and throw em back, or duck and hope they miss you. But they boomerang back when you think you doged that bullet. This time I caught that bullet in my teeth! I was striving so hard for something I thought I wanted and needed, and I was so sure and literally so close! But something in me had a feeling, so I said, if this doesn't happen it will break your heart. So I needed a back up plan that would pick me up and console me, and I created one. But the more I researched my Back up plan the more I didn't really want my first goal to happen. If it did I would be so isolated and stuck in a dead end town. And then it happened, it fell through. I was dealt the blow of No. But I didn't feel bad. Not bad at all. So it is on to plan B. Full steam ahead. And it will be vibrant, and thriving! Exhilarating healthy and happy. It's what I should have done a long time ago. This time I am doing it for ME!

My Past Won't let me be a GOOD person

Man if you read this blog from the beginning you will see that YES I am not perfect, I have made mistakes BIG ONES. I was an AWFUL AWFUL person but these pages are filled with me trying my best to be better and over come. 

Yes the most important thing in my life, my daughter. I have lost. It is the biggest regret of my life! It was all my fault. I have no excuses. But thank God she grew up well and has a good life. If she grew up with me, she would be along side me writing blogs about how fucked up her life was and how she cant cope with people.

I dont expect to be in her life now. I just want her to live a good life. I think I make her feel awkward when I am around any way. She doesnt know how to explain me to her friends. I am an embarrassment. And thats is ok.

My family and everyone in my past seems to like to keep me in the past. They seem to want to not give me any benefit of the doubt. They will not acknowledge that I am not the same. And beleive me I have reached out so many times. I seem to be the only one that reaches out. Why is it me that has to always reach out? No one calls me or invites me to holidays or birthdays. I would go. Yes I know its MY FAULT I been a hermit. But so things cant change?

Everyone else is allowed to be dysfunctional and awful and they are accepted over and over. But not me. I make one or two set backs and everything I have done to do better gets erased. I am TIRED of always being the one that has to reach out. To go visit. Why cant anyone come visit ME?????????

Why is Sheila allowed to freak out driving on thruways, but I cant? At least KNOWING that I freak out I still made the effort. Why cant my brother drive to visit me????? No so if I dont go visit him at his house then I am the bad person. I dont see him inviting me to any holidays. I am alone on all holidays. No one calls and tells me to come. No I make a turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas and eat by myself with my friggin dogs cuz no one else invites me. 

All that being said, I think I do ok not having any family that wants to be around me. I dont revert to my family history of alcoholism and drink myself silly. No, I try to live a healthy life in spite of it. I make a family with my few friends and dogs and I have a good job.

I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS I DID IN THE PAST.

But I sure as hell am not sorry for having a good life now. In spite of the fact that my real family wants to keep me chained to the past.

Day 8 of 30

Back on the horse! Did another Clara Roberts-Oss class. She keeps me on the mat longer. I did yoga, I read

my yoga book. I did not work out at lunch, instead after a few conference calls, I could not stand it any more and I went to the hot dog stand down the street and had a caramel sundae. And it was really gooooooood.

Work is getting really productive now, and I am getting more organized, more knowledgeable and doing more to take over as lead in 3 of my projects! 

Day 5 and 6

Day 5 I found a new teacher on myyogaonline site. Clara Roberts-Oss. I really like her classes. I am not a big fan of a gazillion sun salutations so she just gets right into it and in different hip and heart opening poses.

Of course on day 6 I knew I would be in corpse pose all day. Drinking all night at the Weber Lake party with 4 bands? Yeah, Katherine and I didn't even go home till after 1 am. It was fun and well worth it. I am a light weight, always was, always will be and the day after drinking I will always be found on the couch or in bed the whole next day.



Day 4 of 30

Restorative Yoga for today. Because I over did it with the Insanity work out and had beer and wine last night in a friends fab backyard garden .

Change. I never thought I was going to move again. I have moved so many times, but this time I moved here with the intention of being here permanently.  I accepted the fact that I would drive 44 miles each way for work. I thought I would be at Fidelis forever too. My how things have changed in 1 year.  But for good. For my dreams are to finally come true! I am open to wonderful possiblilties.

When I first moved here I was full of hope, love and feelings of finally reaching a long awaited goal. I was so naive and gullible. I did not realize that my true wishes and dreams were going to come true, but only if I eliminate that, that no longer serves me, respects me or has my best interest or heart. It was really hard to face, and to accept, but with time, I have accepted it. And of course now, it makes a lot more sense. More than it did when I had to face it. I could not continue to respect myself if I allowed people in my life that have no respect for me. I had to detox people that have no substance or quality lives from my continuously growing abundant life. The more I let go, the more such great and wonderful opportunities presented themselves to me. I observe women gripping and clawing to hang on to men that are of such low quality characters and are just bad news waiting to happen and I want to just yell at them!  But they have to learn on their own. They need to see the results of such poor poor choices.  I trust yoga and my spirituality to help guide me to open my heart, and open my eyes to see the truth out there. My life is so good and happy because of my good choices...................

Day 3 of 30

Follow your Bliss - That deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do, to be yourself. When ever I think of my bliss or my perfect home, it always includes  visions of me doing a fabulous yoga flow! No huffing or puffing, just a gorgeous choreographed ME stretching and feeling completely whole after a grand yoga session on my deck in front of a large body of water, or during a sunrise or sunset.

I love nature. I love animals. I love yoga. So I guess I better practice what I preach! Today I did my jivamukti yoga with Sharon Gannon and David Life. Oh so refreshing and invigorating! I can't wait to move because I feel so cramped here. The floorplan of this house is so choppy. The yoga was good but I will feel better in a more open space---soon! Meanwhile, I will practice where I can. I should do it out back in the yard!
I have noticed that Jasper is a bit ADHD. He can't seem to find a place to nap. He hops from place to place.
Maybe he got it from me.
I am following my Bliss. Every morning I wake up and thank God for this awesome life I am living.

Day 2 of 30

Namaste! I must say I am very consistent! I am always good at starting over! Middle? Finish?
Ha ha.  But I did finish my Seaside Yoga practice today. Much better than yesterday.
I really needed those downward dogs.
The goal of yoga may be the ultimate freedom but ever before this is achieved we discover more self-control, sensitivity and awareness that permit  us to live the life we aspire to, one of decency, clean honest human relations, goodwill and fellowship, trust, self reliance, joy in the fortune of others, and equanimity in the face of our own misfortune. From a state of human goodness we can progress toward the greater freedom. From doubt and confusion we cannot. What we call bad is ignorance in action and thrives only in darkness.
-BKS Iyengar

So day 2(morning) I have already heard from 2 good friends whose hearts are pure and full of love and joy. Those are the kinds of people I like to surround myself with. Our friendships have our backs at all times, in good and sad days. We lift each other, we carry each others laughter. We share our happiest and fruitful days and we cheer each other on our goals! Those are real friends. Thank you God for such wonderful humans in my life.

Day 1 of 30 Yoga Challenge

Choppy and interrupted.  It started out OK. Then I got interrupted by a call from a co-worker. She found

youtube video's on HL7 and the Iguana translator. Geeks like us love this stuff. One of my rules for the

challenge is to do at least 30 minutes or more. I went back to my yoga to finish off my 30 minutes and

it felt off now. I did do a little meditation. Om gom ganapatye namaha......remover of obstacles. I need

to remove all obstacles in my life. I only have a couple. Of course doing the yoga I could not concentrate

fully, all I could think about was how dirty and smelly my rug is and how I can't wait to move. My landlord

wouldn't let me remove the ugly green carpets. They are awful. This house served me well, but now

I just can't wait to get out of here. The reasons why I moved here are like rancid food in a garbage pail.

They make me recoil in disgust. Lose my appetite. My mind was so fuzzy and easily duped. Clean living

and fresh food has enlightened my mind and my life. Tomorrow I intend to do a better yoga! I will do it

in the morning. Oh I cannot wait to do yoga on my deck during the sunrise................

30 Day Yoga Challenge

I have decided to begin  a 30 day yoga challenge. I have got to do something to bring

peace to my mind! To my body! I have to get my mind off so many things, the mortgage application

what do I do if I don't get the mortgage? My landlord wants to put up a for sale sign now that I told

him I am buying a different house, not this one!  I just need peace and calm now while I wait.

I put it out to the Universe and God that I will accept what is in store for my future. I have two irons

in the fire. I had to create a back up plan in case I don't get the mortgage. A back up plan that

will ease my broken heart if I don't get the house of my dreams. Its actually very good! So in a month

or two my life will change completely --AGAIN!!!  I will be moving that is for sure. Where, I have left

that decision to the Universe and God, for my highest good.

So how can I challenge myself to 30 days of yoga when I couldn't even do the 14 Day yoga detox?

I don't know. But something tells me I have to try.

The reason I am writing about this challenge is to hold myself accountable for the 30 days. I never

seem to finish anything. I intend to finish this 30 day challenge. For my health, mind and well being.

50 Shades of Grey -----NOT!

Well I almost downloaded this book to my Nook, until I read the reviews. Not good. Laughable even. And after reading the reviews I realized I don't have to read the book, I already lived it.......girl falls in love with man, man wants lots of sex, man wants to keep it a secret, girl loves man so she keeps it a secret, man never had a heart, feelings, values, soul depth or substance or integrity thus the sexual issues...........................

been there.  done that.   


Maybe I will watch the movie when it comes out.
Read the reviews on Amazon  laughable......

If you had 3 wishes...........

....what would you do? Me? I would have to pass...........because the last of all my wishes is about to come true.

Thank you God for my awesome life!

Practicing Ahimsa

I Practice Hindu Ahimsa. Ahimsa, a Hindu concept, is commonly understood to mean non-violence. Ahimsa really means non-injury and pure love.

What a great way to start the day, doing yoga before work. Lately my life has become easier and easier. Every delight of my heart is coming true. But then again, I am a simple woman and my delights are simple. I don't need 40 pairs of black shoes in my closet to fill a void in my soul. Doing yoga, following the Awakening Consciousness, living a simple and good and non harming life, I feel myself moving into a higher potential of myself. I feel my strength coming from within. Suddenly the right and good people are in my radar. I made some really great connections with my new coworkers in Seattle last week. I feel really good about my future. I love my job! I love all my new adventures.

Since I have been awakening to the higher consciousness all the toxic people in my life are falling away and making room for the right friends and lovers. I have never felt so free to be myself and share such exotic yet exhilarating and rejuvenating pleasures. Connection being the key word. Free. No performing here. I can finally trust. Every feeling very genuine.

I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Seattle. I talked to so many people. I listened. I heard their stories. What a wonderful world we could live in if we let our boundaries down and trust. I had blind faith once before and my resistance was warranted. Why do people get such pleasure out of purposely hurting someone? To mindfully do harm? I am grateful to God that people like that are not in my life. I am grateful to God for putting such wonderful people in my life. I have been asking for guidance on where I should live, where I should buy a house. I could go anywhere! How cool is that? I just have no grounding feeling on where tho. I am not in a hurry. God will show me where I can live up to my highest potential. I trust in that wholeheartedly.

I am not in fear of moving ahead. I am free and brave, courageous and strong in moving into the new frontier of my life, the power of the me, of the God that I Am.

Delta, United...coffee tea or me?

Bellvue Wa (Seattle),and then Eden Prairie MN. Two trips in the month of May already and it's only my third day on my new job! I vow that I will not be like the old Cyndie and stay to myself, hole up in my room and just veg out. I am going to look every stranger in the eye. Talk to them with genuine conversation. Everyone has a story, I'm going to find out what the stories are. But I am going to sincerely listen. I want to see honest smiles and share heartfelt laughter. I want to do more than network, I want to reach out and touch souls. Make a soul family. I guess I didn't do very well with the family I was given. I didn't do very well in the love area either. I loved and trusted wrong. But I am not going to give up. My life isn't over. I have been given a huge opportunity and I will not mess up this time. I have had a long time to review my mistakes and I know I have to make better efforts this time. Ask the right questions and lay down tougher rules before I open up my heart again. But I am pretty confident I will find what I am looking for. Thank you God for this marvelous opportunity.

Not bad for 53

And I have no plans on getting old any time soon. I have too many things going on that keep me very very young. I think I am going to join the Hive, they have really good yoga classes and I want to try the Hot Yoga. I bet it gets sexy in there!!!!  And the boot camp. I have a few 5K races coming up. I have no where in my date book a place to add "aging" hahahahaha. I will be doing some traveling in my new job so I plan to explore everywhere I go. I have this huge empty white board in front of me and I am anxious to start penciling in some adventures. Definitely more hiking and camping in the future. There is a nice little trailer I have my eye on. A little one. I dont want to pull a big huge tin can. Something smaller like 12 feet, but not a pop up. I thank you God for my wonderful life every day. You are bringing to me all the delights of my heart.

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

I kind of lost it in Warrior II pose today. The studio was like 90 degrees and it is quite understandable. I interpret Warrior II pose to be arms outstretched, half in the past and half in the future, legs stance ready for action, ready for anything. That is me. That will be me all next week. My last week at my old job. While gearing up and accepting packages for my new job to get set up. I will be simultaneously in the past and in the future. But I am ready for anything. I am ready for action. I love my old job and I will miss it. This company is good and if you want to remain "safe" until retirement, It's the perfect place to be. I see nothing wrong with it. For most people with families and kids, college aged kids etc. Its a good place. You are safe, and you can stretch yourself here and there if needed but not necessary. Like today. I did my forward bends, and twists. I used the yoga block a few times. I am not yet limber.
But I don't want to remain safe any more. I am at my best when I challenge myself. So in my new job I will reach even further than I did before, balance on one foot on tiptoe if I can, open my heart in a back bend and allow it to break OPEN. No more easy child's pose for me. I am not dead, or retired or any where near that yet. I am alive, hahahah I just misspelled that, alove, I think I like that new word. ALOVE! Alive for love......yep.
I will breathe in new air. I will challenge myself every day. I got so complacent. No more.......I am so ready for this!!

Virabhadrasana II

Excerpt from Bush Yoga

Now that I know this pose was named after some warrior who grew from the hair of a blue devil, I like to use it to strengthen myself against my enemies: those evildoers who constrict the oxygen supply of precious freedom. Here's how it's done: I want you to step forward with your left foot pointing straight ahead and your back foot turned in about 45 degrees. Inhale, and take your arms out to the side, and on the exhale bend your front knee. Look past your right hand, and repeat the mantra "God Bless America". This will counter the evil effects of the pose.

My ship is about to come in!

Working from the Porch

That is  what my horoscope said a few months ago. I trust this horoscope. It told me the exact day I would move to Denver, and now for April, it told me that if I was looking or interviewing for a new job, I would find out if I got it on April 6.

Well, on April 6 I got my official email telling me I passed the pre-employment background check and drug test.

On April 30 I start my new, awesome job, working from home! On the same day, my mortgage broker emailed me and told me I did indeed qualify for that big gorgeous house down the street that I have been loving from afar! 

I believe it is my overwhelming gratitude for the awesome life I currently have that has propelled me forward in this new phase of my life. I thank God every day for my great and simple life.

Yes, I said simple. That is why, when I knew I could buy that big 4 bedroom gorgeous house down the street, it just didn't sit well with me. Because the house is in Lyndonville it is going for 165,000. Anywhere else it would easily be 300,000 for sure. If it was in E Aurora or Clarence. But even at that deep discount, I have decided I don't need a big house like that. Yes, it would be awesome awesome awesome to work from home from that beautiful spacious place. And even without the big salary increase I have now, I still could have afforded it on my old salary.   Its just too big for me. If I was not alone, it would be a different story. 

My heart really wants to stay right where I am and just remodel here at my own pace. I have to remember I am just a simple girl, with simple tastes.

Oh the job!!! Well!!!! It is as tho I pulled my dream job out of my head! I will be implementing hospital coding software - FROM HOME!!! My forte is implementation of Systems.  I will be rounding out a team nationwide as the Upper East Coast Technical Business Analyst.  2 days tops on site most of the time. So some travel is involved. I will have to shave my legs occasionally, hahahaha. My first training Boot Camp is in May, in Bellevue WA, a bridge away from Seattle where I have always wanted to go. 

I don't have to buy MegaMillion Lottery tickets any more. I have everything I ever wanted already.  A husband would be nice and I am sure that I will find one soon in my travels...................I am not worried one bit that I won't, because I am ready God. Thank you.

I forgot who I was

I forgot who I was for a while and seemed to be stagnating. I was not wallowing in self pity, that is just not me. But I was disconnecting myself. Going through the motions and sometimes just taking the easy very traveled road. I forgot that my strengths and triumphs came in learning new things under pressure, finding out how things tick and then writing a manual on how to use it! On challenging myself to pick the unknown and quickly becoming the expert.
I have not honed my senses in a long time and it's time to get back in the game. I have found someone who is excited about my experience and knowledge. I am not afraid, because I beleive in myself. This world isn't the same any more and it's time that I do thingS on my terms for a change. I have seen the future and it is sweet!!! Thank you God for your faith in me!