Sunday, October 02, 2011

Oct 2 - What happened to me?

A year ago exactly I was living in Buffalo and I was on this gung-ho self-sustaining homestead kick. I was making swiss steak in cast iron dutch ovens and pepper jelly. I was drawing up plans to buy property to live in the woods in a cabin off-grid and visions of wood burning stoves and rain barrels danced in my head. THIS is what would have made me happy. My own garden and chickens. I have a 3 ring binder 5 inches thick collecting dust in the dining room to prove it. I even started a different blog to chronicle my transition from city to homestead. I was willing to build my cabin with my own hands just like my hero Anne Labastille did.
What happened? What took me off track? OK there was that little panic attack in Allegheny last year when I didn't know I was experiencing menopause symptoms. I did move out to the country to a beautiful home with heat and electricity so I don't have to really go off grid. No, something else. Someone else. I was doing really well. I had put that person behind me. I was moving forward with purpose. Then this person selfishly contacted me like he did so many times before. What is wrong with me that I would allow someone to abandon my dreams for a life that is so opposite of what I believe in.
What is wrong with me that I would let him reel me in with such ambiguous unclear almost non-existent promise or hope?

Well, at least I am aware of this now. These are things I will contemplate as I sit here on this blustery day, rebuilding respect for myself. While making soup in my cast iron dutch oven and meditating on moving into harmonic resonance as I re-connect with nature.
I KNOW I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel that. I trust I will make the right decisions and choices now that I am slowly getting back on track. I am not in a hurry for my answers. I know I am strong enough now that I will not allow the wrong kind of distractions to take me off course. I am not blinded any more that I can be persuaded by the persons that make me doubt myself so that I engage in really bad behaviours that just are not me. I know me and I am BETTER than that. I am awesome. If someone wants to remain alone for the rest of their life because their selfish bratty daughter expects them to well, I can't respect that. And if that person can lie to his own daughter in the face for 8 years, I can't imagine the stories I was led to believe! I let it all go now. Not my problem-o!  I will not lose my groove now. No worries, I know where I am going. I just have to keep doing what makes me happy and where is that recipe for pepper jelly.............

November 7, 2012 (addendum)

Ater talking to him Aug 2012 when he stopped to visit me, I asked him about his girlfriend. He corrected me and said he has a "friend", that she has kids and that isn't his thing. I realized that he is doing the same thing to her that he did to me. He can't even commit to her to call her his girlfriend, up to his usual tricks and  casting his "spells" to keep her hanging as long as he can. Good luck honey. I wish you both well.