Saturday, November 22, 2008

Revelation 2

One of my most significant revelations. One goal I never achieved. In my spiritual journey, I was at the apex of my journey. My life was so good. I was in my dream job, I loved my home, I felt really good. Of course, I got greedy. I thought. If I feel this good now, how about I go to Denver and work for Trizetto???? What an adventure, what a beautiful place to live in. So I did, and those months before I moved and while I was there in Denver, I felt like all the terrible things in my life that I endured were finally OVER! The horrible pain and suffering was over. The sacrifices and the losses I never thought I could endure or forget were fading. The forty or more years of
a life that was just surviving the best that I could was over. I was finally really living a real and fantastic life! And I did it all on my own.
I was so proud of myself. I was starting a new life with new beginnings. Those first few months, working at a fantastic company, learning like a sponge. I was in my glory. I sold and gave away everything I had in NY to drive to Denver with just my little dog Jasper and what important books and things I could pack in my Tracker. So buying all new things with my hefty new salary in my really great
town house was like a dream. Meeting new people, exploring different areas every weekend. New restaurants! New shopping malls.
I have to say it was one of the most wonderful times of my life.
Well, how did I get there in the first place you ask? Hmmmmmm, well, a few years before I moved, I met a man. A man that I thought was my soul mate. I was married before, I was in love before, but this was something sooooooo different. He was beyond my soul mate. I fell so in love. And there were so many signs – for me – that told me he was my destiny. I learned and transformed because of him. I changed from a cold, shy selfish woman into someone that could put someone else first. Because this was a four year transformation we had good and bad. But even at my worst moments, he always came back. With stipulations of course. There were always conditions tied to his time with me. And I believed every word he said. Because he was really good at “Not saying” or not revealing the real truths. I won’t go into all of that. So after the on again off again situation. I realized that he would never make a place for me in his life. And since this was the love of my life, my one and only soul mate. How in the world can I forget him? I would have to move far away. Far away from his visits. Because no matter how much I would plead for him to stay away he wouldn’t. Silly me I took those visits as a sign that he really truly loved me. So when he would still stay in touch with me in Denver, I took that as a sign that
maybe he really is my destiny. But now I am in Denver, making a really good salary. Even if I wanted to move back to New York, there
just isn’t a job for me there. So this was one of the biggest goals I ever achieved. No moving to Denver was not it. It was moving BACK to NY to be with him. That was one of the hardest goals I ever gave myself.An example of this man's selective information sharing was that it wasn't until TWO WEEKS before I moved back that he let it slip that his ex-wife was currently LIVING with him. Actually he didn't let it slip, I had to pull it out of him like a wisdom tooth. My Operation Move back to NY project was already in full boar and at the point of no return. So for a few days I sulked, but then immediately went into my Scarlett O'Hara mode (As evidenced in my July 2, 2006 archive)I will move back to Tara, the land that I LOVE it is there I get my strength! And God as my witness I will Win him BACK!
So I did it. Just to be with him I put that wonderful world that I had finally found behind me. I had to really scrimp and save for the move. I returned to my old job. I knew the first week would be the hardest, but I put a smile on my face and faced all my old co-workers upon my return. I knew I might look like a failure, but I would endure anything to be back with him. When I got back to New York, I moved close to him. In Gasport, when that wasn’t enough, I moved again to Albion to be really close to him. That was even more horrible. I couldn’t sleep at night wondering if anything happened to my car, how would I get to work? I drove an hour to and from work every day. Just to be near him because he was my destiny…………..
My Revelation: He never loved me the way I thought he did. I created the whole 6 year romance in my head. The five minutes he would stop to visit I twisted into romantic overtures in my imagination. I was really blind to so many things that were right in front of me. He was really good at evading the truth to keep my imagination going. He never cared about me. It was the fact that I was available for him. That is the only reason why he came to visit. Because I was the perfect idiot for him to get what he needed and he could still carry on with his sham of a life. It took me a long time to come to this revelation. My Revelation: I loved a man that never existed. I built him up in the many many hours I waited. There was soooo much time in the “in-between” times to conjure up this fantastical romance. It was all in my mind. He is done with me now. I am not needed any more. I am the biggest fool. One goal I never achieved. But one more revelation in this Grand dad of revelations, in the time that I knew him I changed drastically for the better. I always thought I grew and transformed because of him, when actually it was in spite of him.