Saturday, November 22, 2008

Revelation 1

The feeling of being valuable, essential to mental health, is a cornerstone of self discipline. This sense of “I am a valuable person” must come from your parents. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood. It is extremely difficult to acquire in adulthood. The result of consistent parental love will give a deep internal sense of your own value. But also a deep sense of SECURITY!!!!
My revelation: I always thought the answers to my prayers would be if I won the lottery. THEN I would finally be happy. And through a series of questions on my never ending quest and spiritual journey, I kept asking myself “why” to get to the deeper meaning of what would my happiness consist of? Well, I want a new house that I own all myself. I can buy a new car that will never break down or be repossessed. It will be comfortable, not noisy and clunky. But I still kept asking why? why? Until I came down to just the basic but powerful……I just want to FEEL secure.
I always thought that my consistency as the mountain goat, always reaching my goals as I slowly but surely headed to the top of that mountain was just part of my personality. The goal getter. I will learn and conquer. I can learn anything I put my mind to. And I did, and still do…….I would set insurmountable goals, and reach them. Like my dream job, or moving to Denver and THEN wanting to move BACK to NY. (see Revelation 2, another fine story). Nothing was impossible for me. But now I see it was just my way of obtaining security for myself. Trying to give myself a sense of sanctuary and safety. The warm fuzzies of life, because no one else would be able to do that for me. My parents certainly did not. They did the complete opposite in fact. My father’s side of the family abandoning me at a very young age because they just didn’t like my mother, (because for some ODD reason she acted a little pissed off when her husband, who brought her to America from a foreign country and then proceeded to beat her causing several miscarriages and blatantly having affairs with other women………..) No, that didn’t help. By the time I was old enough to be married my husbands couldn’t do it. Either I wouldn’t let them or in my quest to make myself the strongest woman in the world – I trampled them in my growth spurt to get to the top of the mountain.
Now? Well, I do feel happy and secure to a point. I am still in my dream job. I feel very blessed for all in my life today.
I have never felt as cozy and comfy as I do now in this house in Buffalo. I think it’s the area. Just a few blocks away is where I grew up pre – 13 yrs. Just a few blocks away is where my world was ripped to pieces when dad moved out and mom raised me and my brother. Maybe I have come full circle- to close the gap. And as always, when I have these revelations on my self, there is always that counter revelation of ……what have I done to my daughter?

More to come………