I have been writing about being spiritual and good. Being whole and of substance. I think I missed a whole side of myself in these writings. My sensual self. I have a very sensual side. Well, I do, and then I don't. I have always liked sex. I had never
really really loved it, until.......9 years ago. I was married several times before I met him. But it was him that made me truly love intimacy. The sex was good because I gave him my whole heart more than any one else I had ever loved before.
He came into my life and broke down all my walls, brick by brick. So I do have a sensual playful side to me. But I have only
experienced it with him. The man I named my dog after. I have to respect his privacy. He hates the Internet. So I have no problem being a Spiritual AND Sensual woman. Actually it is quite easy since I don't really have sex any more! Haha.
As I sit here I realize I don't even think about sex. Since he is not in my life any more I just cannot see being that close to anyone else. I would like to. I have tried to meet other men. It is very hard to find an AVAILABLE man. I am certainly not going to share the deepest part of my soul with someone that is still married! Or living with someone, or in the "process" of a divorce. If someone is not truly truly truly available to me, I cannot open up. I don't want to. I want someone that will fulfill me, honor me, love me and stroke my cheek. Is he even out there any more? I want to cook romantic dinners and dine by candlelight while I have some frilly lacy thing from Victoria's Secret on. I want to make love in the rain. I want to kiss like there is no tomorrow, like you haven't seen me in 10 months and all you thought about was the softness of my lips on you. I want to send sexy text messages and emails of what I am going to do with you when you get home from work. I want to take steamy hot pictures and send them to your phone while you are in an important meeting. I want you to bring me flowers and hold me in the middle of the night. I want you to feed me oysters in the restaurant. I want you to look at me from across a crowded room and I see you want me in your eyes.
Don't get me wrong, there is quite a looooooooong list of men that I know that would do ALL of those things for me. I just cannot reciprocate the same feelings. I have not felt this way with any other man, I WANT to. This man is no longer in my life, I know pretty much that we will never look into each others eyes ever again in the rest of my life time. So I want to meet someone to bring me alive again. To dust of my sensual self and make me love again. I haven't met any one that even comes near that around here. Maybe when I go to Sarasota I can ask all my guides and spirits and God to open my eyes and allow me to find someone that will be so good for my soul. My soul yearns for it now.