Monday, March 15, 2010

LOL = Losers On Line

Why do I subject myself to this. Every once in a while I will join an online dating service. What I should really do is write a DO NOT DO THIS list for men who are trying to meet women online. So for you men who are wondering why it is not working for you? Here are some tips:

1. Your screen name should be upbeat and not obnoxious, I will never ever reply to men with handles like: ReallylonelyGuy, Hazeleyescrying, STUD696969, Mywifecheatedonmewithmybestfriend, you get the jist..........

2. Photos, MUST have photos, but not ones of you without your shirt on in the bathroom mirror. Maybe if you are on the beach... and LOSE THE SUNGLASSES, if the only pics you have are of you in your sunglasses, get new ones. And for heavens sake - do not use pictures that obviously have a woman cut out of it!

3. Winks are LAME, if you like a woman for God's sake email her!!! Don't wink and expect her to to all the work. GEZ.

4. DO NOT LIE: about your age, photo age, height, weight, hair, marital status, portion control, smoking, job, home etc. do not even stretch the truth, not only will being caught in a lie be a waste of everyone's time. Even if you stretch things, it is the action that dissappoints us most of all.

5. Make sure your Baby-Momma drama is contained.

6. Don't even think of dating if you just broke up/separated/divorced. You are not date material. You need to heal and get over the break up. You are useless to us and none of us want to be your transitional woman. I know you guys are desparate to fill a void as soon as possible, but it will not end well. No woman of substance will want you. If you do go ahead and try to date you WILL get exactly the kind of woman you deserve, one that is just as desparate as you, and those women tend to make you miserable after a while and you will be back on match.com in no time.

7. Do not, I repeat, Do not ever ever ever mention anything about your ex wife, ex girlfriend or all the "woman I dated"'s, us women like to think we are unique and may be polite and smile while you go on for 3 hours about your ex but believe me, in our minds we have already checked you off the list and can't wait to go home. We never ever ever want to hear about other women in your past. No matter how well the divorce, break up worked for YOU. If you ever want a new woman in your life, leave your past women, in the past. We don't care how well you get along with each other now, we don't care about your vacation stories, or fun snowmoble stories, we don't ever ever ever want to hear about any other women that were in your life. Yes I know that sounds harsh, but its a hormone thing.

8, If you really did see Big Foot in the woods, keep it to your self, no matter how exciting you think the story is........

I started writing this post thinking I could make it light and funny and all it is doing is pissing me off. I hate online dating. I think I am going to go back to the old fashioned way of going to bars and getting absolutely hammered doing shots and taking my chances with whose left over at closing time, it seemed to have worked well for me when I was younger, and if I recall, I had a friggin BLAST in those days............

Hey bartender, round of shots here, I'll have a BV..........