Sunday, February 24, 2008

Clarence, My hometown

When I divorced Ben in 1989, I turned my back on Clarence and never looked back. I wouldn't even drive thru the town. Clarence represented all the darkness of my life, disappointments, failures, heartache and a really crappy child hood. I would exorcise that part of my life forever.
I re-invented myself. I moved on. Didn’t really do such a great job at that either for a while. But slowly and surely like a typical Capricorn I climbed that mountain. But never turned around to look at where I had tread. I would put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I told myself, I am a survivor and I will get through all of this. And I would. It took some time but I started to learn.
Recently I had been doing my podcasts and I have been revisiting memories that I left behind. Pivotal times in my life. When I was young I would definitely be what they call the Emo kids of today. Soooooooooo sad, and woe is me!!!! I would sit and listen to really sad music and write really sad poems. I thrived on despair!!!!! I mean I did come from a divorced family, and there were things that really were crappy in my life back then. So that may be why I denied my home town. Extracted it from my life like an appendectomy. Not just the town, but people, friends, high school best friends. I would get a private phone so no one could find me. I had new friends and a new life. I didn’t need reminders.
In my spiritual journey that is constantly ongoing and very renewing for me, I got caught up in the Law of Attraction stuff. And I listen to a lot of the online talk shows. I wanted to manifest a new home and a new car. And I would pray, and have gratitude and I would envision me driving this car and living in this house. But nada. So lately I have been asking myself. Why do I want a new home when I really love the home I live in now? Why do I need a brand new car, crossover, Nissan Murano, super black with black leather seats, to be exact, hahahaha. I really want these things because what I really want is safety and security. That’s what I really want. To feel safe and to feel secure inside. It was an a-ha moment. So getting back to the podcasts, and Clarence and my memories. I was talking in one of my older (PMS) podcasts about how I couldn’t cry when listening to those songs. Of course I can’t cry cuz I am not that little emo Cyndie any more. That sad little girl. I don’t feel that way any more! I may have ended a long and drawn out relationship but only because it was not working or replenishing me at all! It wasn’t a sad ending it was a cleansing ending. And when I found that old song by Elton John, Blues for baby and me. I completely blocked that song out of my mind until just a few days ago when I saw it there on the Internet. I used to play that song over and over and over feeling sooooo sorry for myself. When I first downloaded it and listened to
it I even got that funny feeling in my chest. And then I realized, god I was so sad back then, but I am not any more. I am not sad at all! I feel joy! I feel love! I wake up with a smile and many times I laugh before I even get out of bed. I am truly greatful for my life, my home, family and friends. My dogs, my job. I love my life. I wake up in the morning looking forward to what God has in store for me.
And now for my really big A-ha moment. I have finally embraced my childhood, I think of it with love now. I embrace Clarence. I have even made plans with my friend Laurie and we are GOING to the Clarence Labor Day picnic this summer. And I think and feel that my life is just going to get better now that I have made peace with my hometown. I can find that sense of safety and security now that I no longer deny where I came from and grew up. There have been a series of events that have brought Clarence and those memories into my current life. It has been so healing for me. I feel very confident that I can now move forward with one foot right in front of the other, but this time, I can stop and look behind me and smile and feel peace.…

and its all over now
don't you worry no more
gonna go west to the sea,
the greyhound is swayin
and the radio is playin
some blues for baby and me,
and the highway looks like it
never did
Lord it looks so sweet and so free
and I can't forget that trip to the west
singing blues for baby and me..........