Monday, November 25, 2013

This is me…..

I had just started my Spiritual Journey, I was quite naive but my life was pretty shitty so I needed to head in a different direction.It was very hard but I made good changes in my life and was starting to really become a whole person.  I always believed what people told me. In this picture it had to be, oh 2002. It was also the beginning of my career and moving forward slowly but surely to my dreams and goals. I believed I could do it, so I think that was the driving force of why I am where I am. No one told me I could not do it.  That, and always being in gratitude for what you have. I look at this picture. I just wanted a simple thing. To fall in love and be loved. I made a lot of really dumb choices in men. But at least at the time of this picture I was strong enough to recognize, remove and rebuild….with a lot of learning in the process.  This picture was taken when I was in my prime.  That was a long time ago.  I am not Prime any more. Just me. My career is gangbusters and doing even better than expected. I even have a more awesome opportunity happening tomorrow! More to come….  
I wish I could go back to the day this picture was taken. I would do so many things differently,  maybe I would have 10 years of happy memories and traditions that I would have been sharing with a husband I could have been with for over 10 years now. But I took a different route and my trust took me to very lonely places in my life. I am working with God to try to figure out the lessons I was supposed to learn. Why I allowed myself to lose such precious years. I am still strong so I am sure I will get through it. But my pain is observing friends and family today that have all these Holiday traditions they do every year with each other. Years of memories together.  I just want a tradition, a memory of something  "we" do every year with each other. I am old now. No one really wants to invest life with a misfit these days.  My Christmas wish is to go back to this day.  To make better decisions with my life and to have picked better. I would fill this hollow life with family traditions and memories. 

This is me now, and I AM doing well, and I am happy, as happy as a woman can be that doesn't have any traditions.