I Am Exactly Where I Am Supposed To Be......Again.....

New me, new home!!!    Heaven, I'm in heaven! And I thank the Lord for always giving me the delights of my heart. I love being home. I love being able to see Ursula and Katherine, Barb and all my friends within a few minutes! Even in Lyndonville it was an hour drive to see any one!  I am doing my yoga,  I am running. I walk my boys every day along Tonawanda Creek! Sometimes more if the weather is good. The Weather!!! Its been GLORIOUS!!!!  Open windows with cool crisp breezes. And can we talk about my windows??? 20 feet high and I see the lovely N. Tonawanda and the creek, boats, runners, dog walkers. My job, oh I love it and believe me it challenges me every day. But I accept the challenge. It keeps my brain young that is for sure. 

So I need to make sure I keep to my word and not continue to keep repeating things that did not work in my past.  I am eating healthy. I am going to do more outdoors things even in the winter! Less drinking. Lets face it. Drinking does NOTHING good for me. I like a nice glass of wine here and there and I love to go out dancing to a great band. Across the street is The Dockside and they have all my favorite bands there. So yes! I will go. Im not going to give it up, just not as often. 

I want to explore and do different wonderful things. I am going to Kirtan Friday. I have always wanted to go and I am going darn it. I am going to do more Meetups that have hiking an kayaking and snowshoeing. More 5K races. I am also going to try the Niagara Climbing Center! There a a multitude of Farmers Markets to go to. Barb and I went to the Bidwell Pkwy one last Saturday and then walked Delaware Park even tho it was pouring rain in the morning it got better by 9.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

 My job has me traveling all over, Dallas, Manhattan, Boston. OH I have a Go Live Dec 18 in Manhattan so I can go ice skating at Rockefeller Center and take that off my bucket list soon!!!  2014 I will be traveling to Vegas twice for another client. God spoils me. My boys are even doing better. Jasper seems better now that I have him on a holistic diet. My 11 year old puppy no longer has the dementia he had in Florida.  Over the winter I will go to RV shows. I will get a nice luxury Class C. Not in a rush tho. I am doing my 90 days of JNL and then 90 days of Tapout XT. OH I WILL TRANSFORM this body, and I WILL post pics here. 

LOVING MY LIFE!! 

There's no place like home, I say that all the time!! NOW I get it.....

Soon! Ten more days and my wonderful friend Katherine will be flying down here just to drive home with me! We will take a nice 4 days to visit St Augustine, Myrtle Beach, Baltimore MD for crab cakes and then home! The more I think about my new home at the Remington Lofts, it is right in the middle of everything and my friends and cousin Ursula. I can have lunch with my old Fidelis friends too! 
God really guides me to the best. I just wish I didn't have so much freedom that I just pick up and move in the first place! I have no butt glue! Hahahahaha. 

I am listening to a radio show about forgiveness and if you do not forgive and hold a grudge you could get cancer.   So I thought about it. I don't have anyone to forgive, there is no one I am mad at or hold bad thoughts about. There are a few members of family that I do choose to no longer be in contact with. 
Only because we all are not close any way. They cling to terribly bad memories of me from my past. 
I have changed so much from that. In order for me to continue to grow and have peace in my life, I cannot have people in my life that drag me back to an old ghost of a person I was. 

My brother and his family have never really included me in their family activities. Birthdays or Holiday gatherings. So lets just leave it that way.  My daughter, I am just her bio-mom. Nothing more. And I accept that. There really is no place for me in her life. It would just disrupt her perfectly organized life. 
The fact that she has a wonderful life makes me happy and that is all I need to know now. The fact that she did not learn any of my awful faults makes me ecstatic. I want her to have peace NOW and not have to fight to find it over family traits and faults like I did. 

I thank God for my awesome friends and family that are so happy I am coming home! I thank God for the great job that I love that allows me to live ANYWHERE! I thank God for my boys who have been my close family now for 11 years. In my life longer than my dad or any husband, hahaha. 
I thank God for my awesome new Loft apartment. I thank God for a safe and pee our pants laughing road trip back home in a couple weeks!

The Best for Last

My adventures and my freedom has taken me many places. Because of my freedom I have ventured too far from home thinking that a gorgeous condo on Tampa bay watching dolphins and pelicans every day would be what is best for me. 
I always have to learn the hard way. I have friends and a cousin that miss me! I have co-workers from my old job that miss me! Why am I in paradise where I have no friends and no family? (That wants me) 
I have  been here a year, and it has been a very very lonely year. I was distracted by Florida's beauty and wonderfulness that I didn't realize that I am frigging ALONE every day. day in and day out. When I go places, when I venture out, when I go to the farmers market or the beach, or dinner at Tryst or the beach bars I am alway ALONE.  

So, I am returning home to where many many people want me to come home. I will cherish these people more than they KNOW! Really, They have no idea the fact that they are honest with me. Miss me!! 

Of course I still continue to live my awesome life. You think I would leave my gorgeous condo on Tampa Bay for just anything?  I always wanted to live in a loft apartment..... 

just another one of my dreams coming true

http://www.remingtonlofts.com/?page_id=12

My life is awesome. God Spoils me. 

I just wish the lessons I had to learn weren't so frigging expensive. If I had the money for every time I moved....yeah every time I move to be near Jeffery that asshole owes me at least  
50 grand. The fucker. But hey, my life is so much better now with out him.  

God Spoils Me

I have been so grateful to God that this is my home, my desk. I look out onto such an abundance of nature every day and I never have to leave my home. I got a kayak a few weeks ago and literally just got back from an awesome kayak on the bay this morning before 10 a.m.  Its been really windy all week so when the bay looked like glass out there I hurried and got in a quick paddle.  The biggest workout is carrying that thing up and down my stairs to the balcony!!! Hey any work out I will take! 
I found a great yoga on Create TV I do every morning as well.  
Jasper turned 11 yesterday! My little buddy, my rock, my travel companion, my family. It was a bittersweet happy birthday because, well, 11 my number, and 11 he is getting up there. He shows no signs of aging thank you Lord. He is still as spunky and grumpy as ever!!!  Jeffery is good too altho, he has gotten skinny because he does not eat when I board them at the kennel when I travel. A few months ago I traveled 5 out of 6 weeks. Portland Maine, Cleveland, San Diego, back to Cleveland, Detroit. All my projects all culminated at the same time.  Can we talk about my job? I love love love it. 
Granted that travel was extensive, but then for about 4 months I worked from my home and didn't travel at all.  It depends on the project.  My bosses have been awesome and encouraging.  I am living all my dreams.  I do still have that one issue. When I drink I turn into an asshole. I don't have a lot of friends here in St Petersburg, I was stupid to think I could make friends at bars, drinking. Those are not the kinds of people I really want as friends. I need to venture out to yoga classes, meditation classes. I would LOVE to find a live Kirtan group here. I need to find my earthy crunchy people!!! I will. I have to stop drinking all together. Even one drink leads to an asinine event on the internet. 
God has given me so much. God has granted so many of my hearts desires. Life is truly awesome right now. 

my daily view, soda water!!

Content on Christmas

I sit here on the lanai. Content. My two little angels at my feet. And I do something I like to do now and then. I proceed to read my spiritual journal. I read about where I was a year or more ago. I was then, in a spiritual "waiting room" wondering where my destiny would take me. Always in gratitude for what God gives me. I was in limbo. I still sort of am. But since then, I started a new job, a job that was the delight of my heart and now a reality. Because of this awesome job I have moved to Florida! of all places! In my writings of a year ago, this was not a single thought or option. But here I am. Unfortunately,

it hasn't been the successful trip I wanted it to be, but maybe that was not what was in the cards any way. One goal was accomplished in my life. The woman and personality that my daughter dislikes. The very actions and personality she sees in me that she is so against---At least she did not grow up and take on the same traits. That was my goal. That she not be like me. I think destiny is telling me my work here is done. I like Florida but I don't know what the hell I am doing here now. 

So I am ending the year having learned and accomplishing much this year! 

The anticipation of 2013! I direct my new year to be filled with ease and joy and bliss. I am in a place (both physically and spiritually) that is by far so much better that where I was a year ago. I have my heart centered and in the right place. As always, Thank you God for my awesome life. Thank you for bringing me this far in my path. Where I continue, I wait for your guidance. Today, I relish where I am now. I miss my friends and up North so much sometimes. I don't know tho, if returning would be a good idea. It would be going backward maybe. I need to get out more, explore more thats for sure! 

Christmas dinner

So I am reading my book by Denise and Meadow Linn The Mystic Cookbook. About food and spirituality and alchemy. I am in the very beginning and they are discussing childhood foods. And I started to think about my favorite childhood foods, which of course were the fabulous foods my mother made for me.The house smelled of garlic and ginger and bay leaves and the windows were all steamed up and a bottle of Pepsi accompanied all our meals!  Panciet was the  best! How I loved panceit and how I don't make it often. As a matter of fact the only 2 times I tried to make it since my mother died over 20 years ago was for my BROTHER!!  I made it for him. The last time I made it for him and his family and my daughter. I gave them the recipes so that they could carry on their grandmother’s tradition. My one niece didn't even show up for the dinner. If this isnt some kind of a sign of me trying to reach out to my family, to try to do something nice I don't know what is. ohhhhh But I am the bad person of the family. I know I sound like a broken record, but if I dont reach out to my family well, then I never hear from them. I don’t ever recall anyone in my family trying to do something nice like this for me. Ever.

So this Christmas I will make panciet for myself. At least my mother will be with me in spirit. 

Return to home

Destination unknown at this point. Coming back from a business trip I could not wait to see my boys. They are my home. They are the only joy in my life right now and I thank God for my precious little souls. They have been on every adventure with me. My touchstones. They bring me into my heart, they make me laugh. They comfort me when I cry. 

I have friends I cherish with my whole heart that I miss terribly. But I feel I need to be on this journey for now, I am open to what God has in store for me. I trust he knows what I need. He has guided me correctly so far. As long as I have my little loves I can  go where ever God leads me.

Another Brick in the wall

So no I am not giving up easily. You would love to think that because it is more important for you to be right than any thing else. I am just smart enough to know you can't move a brick wall. I am trying to do things that my parents never taught me how to do when I was growing up. I tried. But you can only run into a wall and go splat so many times. There is no door on that wall. And maybe I am wrong to try to change things. Maybe it is not my place to think I can just waltz in and expect any thing. I have struggled very very hard the last many years to change my self and my life and to head down a spiritual path and so many times have fallen off the path to get back on. And I keep getting back on the path even tho things inbred in me just grab me like long fingered tentacles to come back, come back to that black hole soul life, it was so much fun Cyndie, being selfish and the center of bad peoples attention! Believe me! It can get frigging lonely being good and spiritual! But I get back on path, even tho it means being painfully alone every day and every night. But I sleep good, I have no demons to creep into my dreams. I have a quiet conscience that sleeps in thunder. It is because of this spiritual path that I can no longer subject myself to being the scapegoat, the person that needs to be punished. I can't have someone constantly label me as my past over and over again. Especially when some of your memories of me are so completely wrong and one sided. Maybe the best thing I can do is let you live your life with out me. Let you go on because it is a good life for you. I would only complicate things for you any way. I would be a wrong shaped brick in your very nicely conformed wall. I choose to stay away from negativity to stay on my path. And making myself the constant bad guy so you can be right and justified will eventually wear me down. I have worked too hard to pull my feet out of that muddy ground. I can't move walls. And I see no doors. 

Wildlife Weekend

Oh you know how I love the animals so! I thought this would be a wonderful weekend outing, staying over night at Busch Gardens! Taking photo's of the animals on safari and at night. 

It was quite special. The people were interesting. I learned that I do NOT want to become an overweight bitchy old woman. It's just pictures people, so someone gets in your way. GEZ. 

But that wasn't the the real reason for the slight disappointment. All in all it was a fun experience and I am glad I went. I did get a "Fun Pass" so I can go back as much as I want until Dec 2013. It was really awesome to see the majestic and beautiful animals. To feed and touch the giraffes. Yes, I wanted to take the baby home with me. He followed our truck with that "hey, don't leave me!" look. 

The more I wandered around the vast Gardens, I noticed that the animals were all about feeding time. It was their only existence,  to wait for food. To eat food. Everything was based on feeding time. It just seemed really sad. To see the otters actually begging for their little morsels of fish. 

The animals paced. Even tho their surroundings were large and natural to a point. They all paced. Waiting for lunch. The anteater wore a path around the perimiter of its large cage. As if it has OCD, it walks the walls non-stop. It was sad to see. I felt like I was viewing a room in a mental institution and the anteater was walking walking walking. Even a small stream did not stop him, it was part of his "path"

This is the look of a beautiful majestic tiger, watching for the keepers to throw some meat. Waiting, watching. 

We started Sunday around 2pm, took photos, and we had a sunset and a sunrise safari on the truck. We also took a  night time hike through the park when it was closed which  was pretty awesome! The next day, after I left the group for good,  it took me from 10 am to 4pm to walk around the park and see the whole thing! It really is a great park. I just am not sure how I feel about the animals being there. Yes they are safe and will live a good life. But is this life? I wonder, my dogs are domesticated. But they were bred to be taken care of. They would not do well in the wild. Am I wrong too? I have a never ending large love for all animals. I relate to them much more than I would real people. On this  adventure, I was not real fond of most of the people on safari with me. Some of the women were really very nice. We chatted, small talk. A few of the men were nice too. But all in all, it just reinforced my experience that men are totally selfish and ignorant. If we were in cars I am pretty sure I would have been cut off many times. And women tend to get bitchy in their old age. I caught myself wanting to be a turtle and pull in my head and arms and close them and all society out. To be alone with just myself and my dogs. 

Wow! What a revelation I just got. Maybe I was a turtle in my old life. Because I do carry my home around with me and move around a lot. I do like to hide in my shell more than make the effort to be with people. Its such a CHORE!  And well, yep, the hard shell. It is almost impossible to break through to my hard shell. If I don't want you to reach me, believe me, you won't. 

I did get some really great photos tho. I love my new camera. Maybe in time I can learn to crack a little and socialize a little more. 

Because I am looking for a mate. I will make room for a mate and I will change some of my solitary ways for the right person. 

I am done defending myself

I am a good person. Trying to do the best I can in my spiritual journey.  I am not perfect  and I know the person I used to be had many issues. But I refuse to keep negativity in my current life by continuously trying to defend myself for my past, especially when people have limited and obviously distorted memories themselves. I will only apologize for what I know are FACTS. Your family has a history of twisting history to their advantage, and we all know if you keep telling lies you start to believe it as a true story. Get your facts straight. And this I say to my blood family. There is a reason I got away from this pack. Survival instincts. 

Calendar Pages

November 1st already. I save all my calendar pages. I don't know why. As I was turning my calendar page, I looked back. This particular calendar started at my desk at Fidelis. I started the year working at Fidelis, living in Lyndonville, went to Florida in March and somehow fell in love with it. Had a phone interview on the drive home from Florida and the company moved so quickly, I was suddenly working from home, at yet another dream job. In Lyndonville. 

Lyndonville suddenly got very small when you are there every day. My landlord pressured me on deciding if I want to buy the house. When it came right down to it. I could not. I knew that the area had served its purpose for my spiritual growth. But it was time to point my face to the sun. Signs and nudges pushed me like a sailboat in the wind to Sarasota. And just like the wind, once their jobs were done, the winds died down and were no longer. 

Which for me is good. I am very adaptable. I can meander like a brook to get where I need to be. I love where I am. I love the anticipation and the possibilities. I just need to make some friends because it can also get very lonely. This area is certainly conducive to bringing your pet along for lunch dates. But I would like a little more conversation. I no longer have or want the option to meet new friends at bars. Drinking and bar friends are not a life style I choose any more. I want to get out and about. I have another photography class tonite. I know that is a great path that I chose. I hope it leads me to many avenues I have never considered. 

Two more months left in this year. Who knows what I may be adding to the rest of my days.....

My lunch date at Cha Cha Coconuts

My first lesson

Can you see Tycho crater? I started taking photography lessons!  I originally bought my Sony Cybershot camera because someone else on Facebook took a remarkable picture of the moon. I was so inspired!  Well, I knew the camera was a powerful camera, but I did not realize how much until my first lesson last night. I took a private lesson first, so I could get to know what my camera was all about and what it can do! It can do a lot!  Oh I am going to have so much fun with this! Wait till you see! 

I believe this was spirit led. The camera, the lessons. A new way for me to look at life. To see more detail. Even tho I work as a techie. I have always known that I have some issues with seeing the fine detail of things. I gloss over things all the time. I wave away the finer details of life. I need to slow down and get lost in the minutiae of life.

Also, it is something new and challenging and fun to do. A challenge to learn. A great way of getting to know my new surroundings! I love this new adventure. 

So besides my private lesson, I am signed up for the 4 part Digital Photography classes. But the best class of all? Saturday we sleep over at Busch Gardens like we are on a safari on a teaching photography class! How awesome is that? There was mention of a Sunset class. There are also numerous walking classes. I think this will be an ongoing thing for me.  We talked about the things I like to photograph. I mentioned that I like to take outdoor, nature and animal photos. It was immediately suggested that I should join them when they go to Maine when they go for a photo destination trip. I laughed. I told him I just moved to Florida and I am not ready to head back up north just yet!

Candy my pretty???

Ready for Halloween

I complete me

I complete Me.
All the balance I need, I am now finding it in me.
All the Love in the Universe is being channeled by me.
I am my better half and my other half.
I love my company.
I can be absolutely true to myself about what I love and what I want.
I completely forgive myself for being ‘different’.
I completely love Me for all my tiny and big desires.
I fulfill all my needs.
Everything I need has found its way to me Now. I accept it all as gifts from the Divine.
The Divine in me, I worship Thee. –especially in a state of Prayer 
I love and embrace the totality of my Being.
I love and accept completely the totality of my Creations.
I acknowledge the beauty of my Being.
I am Divine. You are Divine. We are Divine. All is Divine.

… additions by Nithya Shanti…….

All I need is within me now.
I am happy to be me.
I am right here.
This is really me.
I am me.
I do it.
I decide.
I am Source.
I Am.

Change me divine beloved into one who knows without doubt my own worthiness. Let me always know i never need convince anyone of my value. 

Change me  into someone who trusts that the right solutions  to every perceived need or problem are already selected.

Change me into someone who can be  guided with ease.

I am carried and guided by divine grace in every moment and change me into one

Who knows my true nature is love itself and so it is.  

Say hello to my little friend.....

He's back! After the loud squawking noises I turned around to see the red winged hawk flying away. I didn't see my little squirrel friend for almost a week. I thought for sure the hawk had feasted on my little friend.  I was a little sad. And then yesterday there he was! And he brought 4 other friends! There is a lot of terrific wild life in Florida. I miss my humming birds at the feeder, but I have Heron's and Cranes and a Hawk that visit regularly. How awesome is that? 

I went to the Bradenton Riverwalk grand opening this Thursday. Its a beautiful park. They have pet friendly water fountains, and outdoor restaurants on old Main street downtown. That  is where I am heading today, with Jeffery.  I can only take one dog at a time if I want to keep control. Next week I will take Jasper. 

Despite some setbacks when I got here. I miss my good friends back home, but we have discovered how Skype and FaceTime bring each other right into our homes and kitchens for coffee in the morning. Its like you are right there! 

It has been a little lonely, but I still love it here. I am just getting into my groove. Still figuring things out. I just have to be more creative in my adventures. 

Farmers Markets, Festivals, 5K races, concerts and outdoor restaurants. I am still having a blast! 

I ran across the bridge

It sounds like an affirmation or the title to a book. I should write the book. I ran across the John Ringling Bridge on Tuesday.  It seems when ever I need to forget something or run from my demons, I run. OH boy do I run. It felt really good to run across this bridge. I even did the Rocky Balboa fist pumps at the apex in the middle on the way back. And I sweat! It is so friggin hot here in Florida so I certainly sweat. I sweat out toxins in my body that needed to get out. There are so many things in my brain, my body that I need to get out and wash down the drain. I am such an ASININE self sabotaging idiot that really really needs to get the biggest kick in my ass. It has gotten to the point where I just cannot drink any more. Not a drop. Because when I do I put on my ASS hat. I do things I cannot believe I have done when I wake up the next day. It is like there is this tortured black hearted soul that just comes out and says. What is the WORSE thing I can do right now to fuck up my life? OMG that's perfect!!!  But I have stooped to my absolute lowest of the low. I have lashed out at innocent people. Aren't they all tho? The people that I contact on the internet? My weapon of choice. 

90% of my life has been so wonderful and good and spiritually awakened. But the other 10%. And it is the most important 10% that should be at the top. I fucked up royally. I have self imposed myself to my hermit-dom for now. Not to figure out why I do it, but to just stay away from the public and read books on alcoholism, sobriety and more spirituality. Not that it will ever fix the latest things that  I have done. Maybe part of this is because I do everything alone. Being alone all the time is so painful for me. If I just had someone...... I wake up in the middle of the night wondering why I should still exist any more? I have sabotaged everything good in my life. I don't deserve forgiveness at this point. I deserve a pointed finger and a You selfish asshole!!!

So I do exist. Nothing I can do about it right now. So I run. I run across this bridge. Each step stomping on my soul. God dam you Cyndie. God dam you. 

NOW I got it!!!

The first few weeks I was here I had it AALLLLLLL wrong! And I really should have known better! Wasn't it me who said here a little while ago - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting something different!

When I first moved here I thought, well what better way to meet the locals and make some friends than, yep, going to a bar! Ha ha ha ha ha I laugh now. I did go to SKOB (Siesta Key Oyster Bar a few times my first two weeks here and yes I talked to interesting people......interesting DRUNK people! It was the same old, same old! Oh yeah, the stupid emailing stupid people from my past. And I really was VERY over Jeffery but when he came to visit me last month just before  I moved to Florida it just threw all my senses into a tizzy. I forgot everything I learned in my spiritual deep dive.  But then reading one of my books just a couple days ago, the author suggested, even if you are not with someone you love any more,
you can still FEEL that love, feel how it feels, just don't attach it to a person. So they said, drop down into your heart and just feel what that love for that person feels like.
Well, I did, I tried, and I tried again. I didn't feel any love for Jeffery. I didn't feel it at all. Did I ever love him then? Was it just a habit? So DONE with that chapter in my life.

So here I AM!!!  I moved to Sarasota Florida!!! Thanks to my NEW job I am able to move! I rented a beautiful home! New state! Everything is new! New Start! So why the heck am I going back to OLD habits? Thank God I realized this early!! 

So it is time to refresh and renew. I have been eating really healthy! I do yoga or walk the dogs in the morning. At lunch I run 2 miles, trying to increase as I move on. I then do the Tracy Anderson work out. If i don't do any of that at lunch I just found an awesome place to work out! It is called Pure Barre it may look tame but I was sweating like a dainty little piggy! 
I actually found the place yesterday when I took myself to the Yogurt place next door. I saw all these beautiful Stepford like women leaving. I thought it was just a yoga clothing store! 
So I researched it online and the reviews were amazing. So today I joined! Something to look forward to.  I also found a Hot Yoga place 20 minutes away too! I am ALSO going to join that! And Crunch Fitness is down the street as well. So I am hoping to keep busy with all these great workouts, run some 5Ks, go to drumming circles, eat healthy and also treat my awesome boys with at least 1 walk a day. 
They are my constant rocks that help me stay grounded in a new city and state. Yes, sometimes I get scared being some place new, but they look at me with those eyes, no matter where we are, those "so where is my treat? eyes. They don't care where we are.
I do! I absolutely LOVE it here. Finally! A move just for MYSELF!!!!  I just need to stay healthy and not revert back to those useless old ways that never did a thing for me!!! As soon as I can walk! All this working out.........hurts so good!!!

Learning to love

One of the most significant things I learned about myself during my winter of soul searching was that as a child my family, whole family abandoned me in so many ways. But even so, I cannot and will not use that as an excuse. I will rise above it. I will rise above watching my father beat my mother when she was pregnant, causing her to have many miscarriages. 

Forget at 4 years old clinging to my mother in the front seat of the car while my father tried to push her out of a moving vehicle. Forget my father finally leaving us, only to pick us up every Sunday to drop us off at Gramma's so he can go be with his girlfriends. 

I will not be victimized by the fact that his whole family turned their back on me so that I grew up not knowing my cousins, my aunts and my uncles. I had no sense of family. 

I will rise above the fact that I was raised by a mother who did not know this country's ways, but she did the best that she could for us. She really did. She really did not show me what a true mother daughter relationship was. All I can remember since I was small was that she somehow was hoping she could make money off me, she sent me to so many schools, dancing, acting, charm school and modeling schools. She was so disappointed in me because I never became famous and rich for her. Her mantra was always, marry a rich doctor. I will not blame her for favoring my brother over me all the time. Even to the point of hiding food from me to give only to him. 

Yep I could really wallow in all this abandonment. And maybe I did in the beginning of my life. I did so many things wrong because I had no one in my life to teach me how to love my family. Now I have learned how to love the people that mean so much to me. I created my own family. They may not be blood relation but I love these people fiercely. I am still learning but I think I am doing so much better than I did in my early life. It may be too late to save any relationships with my real family. It may be too late to ever be a real mother to my daughter. The most important thing in my life to me now is to try to be "something" to my daughter. A friend, a supporter, someone she can trust. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done it my life. And it is the most important. More important than anything or anyone in my life. I will not give up. What I don't know, I will learn. I want to listen and to be there. I will be there.

The Last Train Out of Town

Friday I had dinner with three of my closest friends. I cherish and love them dearly. Katherine, Barb and Terri. You see before you 4 awesome women. All single because we will not settle for any thing but exactly what we deserve. Yes, we can be intimidating because we can take care of ourselves, we are financially stable and well, the one thing that scares most men away--- We will not accept bad behavior! We will not accept disrespect. 

Our last toast together was:

I want a man that is going to chase me like I am the Last Train Out of Town!!!!!!!

I get contacted a lot  but not by any available men. But I am very hopeful and confident that soon I will be meeting some vibrant single men where I am going.  I am sure of it!!! Can't wait. 
This time I will do everything right. 

I feel trapped

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't go out and take a walk in the neighborhood. If I do venture out its like a 30 mile drive to any where with stores and restaurants.

When I first moved here I had such hopes and dreams of love and moving to the country!

And then in a matter of months my dreams and heart deflated. I set my hopes on a flimsy foundation. I should have known better, I know. The next 2 years I spent healing, spiritually searching for the reasons why I would think loving a man like this was a good idea. If he didn't respect me I certainly must not have respected myself. So I built 

trust within myself. I dredged the deepest parts of my soul for reasons and answers to why I 

did the things I did all my life. I spent months pouring over books and podcasts on how to 

understand my shadow, on how to reveal my darkest fears and I faced so many of them. I 

cried and clawed my way out of my nightmares. I confronted ghosts and really learned a lot

about myself. About where I came from. And now about where I need to go. 

I figured out why security meant so much to me. It was not the house or car or material things.

It was the security. I grew quite a bit since that cold March day I drove through a snow storm with my little Chevy Tracker filled with boxes and belongings to this house. Since then this house has lost its sparkle. This town has lost its gleam. This is not the kind of town or area for a single woman. There are no opportunities to meet any eligible nice single men here. And this town treats attractive single women like the plague for sure! The women will not befriend me and well, the men who are not available? Ha ha ha they sure have contacted me! They tried any way. Not by any invitation from me, that's for sure. I don't want a man that cheats on his wife or girlfriend. Big red flag!!! 

So I just wait. Just a few more days. A little over a week and I am soooooo out of here. 

Yes I am moving again. Out of Lyndonville. Sorry to say, I won't look back on this town with fond memories. There were none. 

Me? Oh I am on a new adventure! I look forward to this adventure with my new eyes, my new confidence. I am a different woman now and what I have to offer is spectacular and beyond substance. I am real. I am vital. The next wonderful available man (or men) that cross my path in the near future are in for a real treat. I plan to enjoy myself immensely while searching for the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Now that I have spiritually done allot of work on myself, I am now capable to pick the RIGHT man, and sustain a loving relationship. Oh I KNOW it will take work and I am not afraid of that. I know what it takes to sustain a good relationship now. I can't wait to get started.........

I will post pics of my new place as soon as I am all moved in.

Big big changes

Life throws curve balls at you and you can catch em and throw em back, or duck and hope they miss you. But they boomerang back when you think you doged that bullet. This time I caught that bullet in my teeth! I was striving so hard for something I thought I wanted and needed, and I was so sure and literally so close! But something in me had a feeling, so I said, if this doesn't happen it will break your heart. So I needed a back up plan that would pick me up and console me, and I created one. But the more I researched my Back up plan the more I didn't really want my first goal to happen. If it did I would be so isolated and stuck in a dead end town. And then it happened, it fell through. I was dealt the blow of No. But I didn't feel bad. Not bad at all. So it is on to plan B. Full steam ahead. And it will be vibrant, and thriving! Exhilarating healthy and happy. It's what I should have done a long time ago. This time I am doing it for ME!