Day 1

You are a good and wonderful person. You are not your parents history. You are not your parent's terrible choices. You were a bystander when those choices were made. Yes, they affected you greatly - but you are strong enough to move away from that now. Your eyes are on the future horizon ahead of you. Able to not make those choices your parents made. 

Thank you God, I know that was you. Thank you for giving me incentive that I should have seen so many years ago. 

Setting the record straight - I really am not the bad guy

I want to set the record straight and I say these words with love and kindness.  Yes, it is true that I do not interact with almost all of my family. But lets face it, most of my remaining family is kind of toxic. We all have that alcoholic and narcissist gene. I stay away so my family doesn’t trigger mine. I try to keep it in check.

But mainly I guess I inherited my stubborn German bull headedness from my dad. I inherited a lot of things from him. Nothing good.  My family will tell you that it was ME that disappeared.  Well that may be so, but there is a reason why.  Through the years in the beginning I reached out to my family and my blood many many, many times. Of those many times I was pretty much dismissed, cancelled on, ignored or forgotten.  So in my defense and for my health and sanity, I had to extricate the things that made me feel so abandoned and yes, hurt by not being quite that important enough to maintain some communication. It felt like my father abandoning me all over again every time.  It was always me that would have to reach out, visit, come to you. Never the other way around. The worse was and still is holidays by myself.  Everyone else with big families and couldn’t even remember to invite me. And that is fine. If that is your world well then that’s ok.  But for me, my only defense  is to just no longer have these people in my life so that I do not continually hope, or expect.  I took myself out of the equation to guard my heart from continuous rejection.

And at this point I do not need an invite as I certainly am not going to go out of my way and leave my comfortable home to visit those that never were able to get in the car to visit me. I say this with love and kindness.  I know that communicating with me may take more “work” that my family is not capable of, like “quit drinking” or set aside rigid rules they created for themselves, or forget and forgive the person I was in the past. And especially dismiss lies about me they were told.  I say this with love and peace.  Because I am at peace. I understand why my family dismissed me so easily. I ask that my family understand why I need to keep them at arms length. For my own heart and soul’s survival.  I have grown by leaps and bounds. I have created a most peaceful and wonderful life for myself now, overcoming the terrible things I have inherited from my dad. I would love to share this with my family, but part of my sane mental state is not dwelling on the past or setting myself up for disappointment.  So I will not hope any more.  I will not allow any negativity in my life.  I wish my family well and a very very good life.

Peace

Seal skin Soul skin a story about survival, spiritual escape......

One of my favorite fables is Seal Skin, Soul Skin (originally from the Inuit Nation) as told by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes. My truncated version of the story:
It is the tale of a lonely, old fisherman. He had heard stories about how seals were once human, so when seals would approach him, he was deeply moved by their wise and loving eyes.
One night as he was returning home, the moon was rising. He spotted a group of naked women dancing on a large rock. Dazzled by their beauty, feeling his loneliness, he allowed himself to drift closer. He spotted something lying near his kayak—it was a sealskin. He scooped it up and hid it in his jacket.
As the women began putting on their skins, one woman could not find her own. The man stepped out and appealed to her. Holding her only means back into her own world, he insisted—would she marry him? He promised to return her sealskin to her in seven summers when she could then decide to stay or go. She did not see that she had a choice, so reluctantly said “yes.”
They had a son. The mother shared stories of her world with her son, but the stories were not enough to keep her strong. Her flesh began to dry out. Her hair began to fall out. She developed a limp. As her eyes dulled, she lost her vision.
After eight winters, she confronted the old man—she wanted her sealskin. She had fulfilled her promise. The old man refused—she would no doubt abandon him and their son. The argument awakened the boy and filled him with sorrow.
Later that night, the wind called out to the boy. He followed the sound to a cliff where he saw a large, old seal. The grandfather seal was calling him. As he scrambled down the cliff, he tripped over a bundle—a sealskin that smelled of his mother. As he hugged the skin, the love of his mother filled him with joy and pain—her soul passed through him. He ran back home and gave his mother her sealskin; she quickly put it on, scooped up her boy and ran to the sea.
Together they swam and swam, down to the underwater coves of the seals. After seven days and seven nights, her body was restored and the luster came back to her skin, hair and eyes. Her full vision returned. At the end of the seventh day, she returned her son to the topside world where he belonged and assured him that he would always feel her presence and love.
Certainly this is a tale of needing to be true to one’s own nature and the renewal of the mother, but my draw is to the boy—the Sacred Child. While he is caught between and ensnared in the conflict between the material world of his father and the spiritual world of his mother, he is imbued with both and has an understanding of both. He is uniquely gifted with a perspective that is both aware and forgiving. His father literally took the life out of his mother, but he exists and is loved and knows joy because of that offense. His mother abandoned him, but because she shared her renewal with him, her vitality pulses through him. He has the gifts of balance, love, awareness, perspective, and forgiveness to offer.

I remember momma

How can I not? I see her hands every day, I hear her voice when I talk to my dogs. My mom did the best that she could with the circumstances she was given. I was so naive back then I had no idea we were actually below poverty level. But we survived. 

I spent most of my adult life in constant anger against my mother. Now I wish I could take it all back. We did have good times and love and laughter. She instilled hard work in me. 

And I work hard every day because of her. I have to. I still have not gotten that pot of gold

and I basically live paycheck to paycheck. But I feel peaceful. I guess I learned that things do not define me. 

I miss you momma. I have your pictures here and Im going to make a corner of the house for you, I will sit there and visit with you. 

I am living the same life she did. Momma never had a man in her life either. Not a single man all the years she took care of us. She was happy. I wish I could cook up a storm like you momma. I miss those days when you had the whole house smelling like panciet and adobo. I think I will make panciet in your honor today. ha ha I'll try......

I love you. 

Vegetarian?

Well, I have subscribed to Vegetarian Times for years now, I was drawn in by the recipes but I was never a vegetarian.  I haven't had cows milk in years. I have always liked tofu. I have been intrigued and  I leaned toward that way but always ate burgers, steak, pork and chicken. And then something happened a few weeks ago. I even joined a 21 day Vegetarian challenge but that didn't do it. I would get the daily challenge emails and I finally unsubscribed because I really didn't think I could do it. Then one Saturday afternoon I was starving and in a rush so I grabbed a frozen burger and threw it in the iron skillet. I browned both sides and I thought I had cooked it all the way through. So as I cut into the middle of the burger it squirted blood out at me. It was the strangest thing! I took a bite of the side cuz it was more cooked and I was starved. But that was it. I couldn't eat it. I couldn't even put it back into the pan. Something  snapped in my brain. Was it the Vegan podcasts I had been listening to for months: Main Street Vegan or Compassionate Cook? Was it my yoga? Was it the mantra Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu before my favorite Jivamukti yoga practice? Was it looking in my dogs eyes? Was it a little bit of everything in my life the last few years pushing me toward this?  What ever it is, I am grateful that something in me will not allow me to eat land animals any more. I am telling everyone I know that I am "moving" toward being vegetarian. Baby steps. I still eat farm eggs, cheese and fish. I love my Almond and coconut milks. I have even found hemp and quinoa milks. So I don't think this will be hard. It hasn't yet and its been about 2 weeks now. In a few days it will be my FIRST vegetarian Thanksgiving. I am going to make a Tofurkey!!! 

Thank goodness for Amazon Prime. I was able to find Fair Trade Organic cocoa mix and vegan organic marshmallows for my sweet tooth.  When I pick up my Tofurkey I think I will grab some vegan cheeses. Right now I have been doing whole wheat pasta and veggies. My most favorite meal right now is portobello mushrooms and gravy over a baked organic potato. I am not going to be a junk food vegetarian and I am not going to fall for a lot of the processed stuff out there. The 3 reasons I am doing this, in this order:

1. To be compassionate toward animals. Practicing Ahimsa 

2. For health and aging reasons. 

3. Safety - we can never be sure what is out there now, what is in what we buy. The animals are not even quality meat any more because of the way they are raised. 

Well this is a new journey for me, and I am the queen of quitting. But for some reason I do see this becoming part of my life. I refuse to die early the way my parents did. So I have to change my eating habits to become healthier. To age gracefully. Oh I didn't mention its been 65 days since I quit drinking too. I am on the road to changing my life for the better. Now if I could just make myself LOVE to do yoga EVERY day, my life would be complete! Maybe hypnotism! hmmmmmm 

A simple shift answers all my questions

I made my own kitchen island with shelves and a large piece of wood. Bar height and bar height chairs. The chairs were just not comfortable. Nowhere to put your feet. So, you know typical weekend morning, my mind is whirring. hmmmm if I take the bricks off the shelves I can have a normal height table, chairs....oh! I have gorgeous wooden chairs I garbage picked in the garage. The result is not as gorgeous but it is comfortable! I can now sit at the table for hours and watch my birdies and squirrels. As I am sitting here I notice an even more positive change. And it dominoes from there. As I am sitting here in a lower chair, I can now see the sky! And in the sky I see the neighborhood hawk hovering in the clouds! This is awesome. 

All summer I kept toying with the idea of what to do with my deck? My ultimate dream was to build a glass sunroom with accordion glass doors from the kitchen. I wanted a glass roof so I could sit in the sun room and gaze at the clouds drifting by and at night look at the stars and moon overhead.  I went to visit a friend 3 streets down and she has a nice glass sunroom. In the exact location as mine on the south side of the house. She told me she can't even walk thru the sunroom in the summer it gets so hot. That was good to know because I don't use my deck because it gets so hot. I could spend 20,000$ on a glass sun room and not be able to use it. Since then I have decided to just get a nice patio umbrella for the deck and fix it up with lots of pots of flowers and my 2 simple adirondack chairs. 

Now sitting at my new table,  I can see the clouds go by and at night I will come here and have a cup of tea and gaze at the stars, from my really cozy kitchen! This table is good for now but now that I already have these gorgeous chairs I can paint them white and order that beautiful white round Pottery Barn table I have been wishing for.  My home is my sanctuary and it gets better and better every day and I am the one doing all the work to make it so homey!!  One small simple shift and I have solved my questions and save thousands of dollars and disappointment.

What is it like not to be taken care of?

I am listening to a call in talk radio show, a woman is upset her brother is taking all of her father's inheritance. She said she was counting on that for her retirement.  Sorry about that lady. It got me to thinking. What is it like to be taken care of? To have parents that saved for your college? That built up a wonderful life and a nice big inheritance? I don't know. That is for tight knit families that all grew up loving each other and took care of each other. Families that taught their children how to pay bills and set money aside for "later".  I don't know what it is like to have someone take care of me. Some women may even have husbands that make them feel secure. I don't even have someone that buys me birthday or Christmas presents. Man, thats pretty sad. Everything I do I have to do it myself. Even now that I have bought my own home. There are some things around here I would like to do but I can't because as a woman I never learned how to do them. I need a man for some things. I hire lawn and snow removal. And here and there, like my new sink. 

Is it me? Is my need to be so independent the reason why I don't have a man in my life? 

I wish I could meet someone that would be so excited to give me a Christmas present. I wish I knew that anticipation. Instead I dread the holidays. Because they represent and remind me of everything I don't have. I know I want to blame my shitty childhood, Is it my fault that I am here? 

Gratitude, thank you God for my awesome life

I thank God every day for my great life. It was not easy to get here but now my life is simple and happy. Little things make me happy, a great recipe, the birds at the feeder in my back yard. I have a female cardinal that has been pecking my kitchen window every day for 3 months. I love her. I don't know who she is (they say people who have passed come to you as birds, she has a mate so its not mom) or just watching a beautiful full moon from my deck. Since I have bought my house and set my intention of putting down roots, my life just gets better and better. The real key is to thank God not only in the good but also during the bad. God keeps us on our toes to teach us. I am truly blessed.

My newest obsession is Milk paint and I have converted my garage into my painting workshop since my car is too big to fit into my garage.  I have already obtained some cool furniture pieces to repaint. I got a great headboard I will make into a bench. My goal is to be part of Lockport's Garden Walk next year since that is how I found my beautiful home last year!

Its amazing the things you can do when you wake up refreshed and have the whole weekend to do fun things, I gave up alcohol and its the best thing I ever did.  I do have an occasional drink but I do not drink to get drunk. I have nothing that makes me feel so bad about myself that makes me want to drown out my life. I would rather get up early to go to the farmers market and Estate sales, than to waste a full sunny day on the couch.  Now I can read great books in my sunroom and watch the boys play in the yard.

or read the Sunday paper on the front porch.

Thank you God for my home and awesome life. 

Oh the places I have been!

I thank God over and over for my wonderful life. Yes, it took a long time and the road to get here was impossibly hard But I kept on moving forward. Sometimes the efforts and mistakes hurt so bad, and I was utterly alone. No family at my side. I had purposely kept my blood family away because they were not supportive in my struggles to do better. It was just reprimands and constant reminders of all my mistakes. Never a hug, or I am here for you, or let's figure this out together. No. It was hard for me to try to change horrible habits instilled in me from a shitty unloving childhood. But I did and constant pointing to my past just didn't help. What did help? Friends. Friends that over the years stayed by my side every step of the way. Who picked me up when I was so down. Who shared the bad and now the good times of my life. These few souls are my real family. Those bleak days are now behind me. I have learned so much on how to over come and my life has been charmed beyond my own dreams. I thank God for my friends who were always there; for now we live and laugh and have each other to enjoy these good days. I can't begin to explain my daily positive life of adventures. I like it this way. That is why I have no use for the negative nellies to point out my shortcomings of over 25 years ago. That's the past. I have forgiven myself. I have a lot of love in my soul, but only for my friends who truly love me with no strings, expectations or rules. 

Revelation: My GED

I have a GED. Yep, my parent's never instilled in me growing up how important a college or any education is. My mother since I was small wanted me to earn money the easy way, get famous or marry a Rich Dr was her mantra. Even my childhood friends remember her mantra. So in high school I didn't even think about going to college. I didn't know you were supposed to get good grades starting in jr high in preparation for life. I was sooo naive being raised by a mom not from this country I just was oblivious to the way a mother was to raise a daughter. Forget Dad he was in another state by the time I was 12.
So I don't have the normal instincts everyone else around me has.

I have a GED but on my own, in my own survival I make more money that both my parents put together. I don't have a family. I didn't back then either.  I don't have that warm fuzzy gene in my bones. Was not raised with it.  TRIED to get it by marrying men with large families…..could not handle it.    And of course,  I must bear the consequences of my parents non family type of way they
raised (used very lightly here) me.

The family I have now created is  a very very very few I allow into my life. People I cherish that treat me as Cyndie. The person I am today.  They don't bring up all my past issues, they don't throw in my face things that happened 20 years ago, and some can, like my cousin Ursula. She could easily throw in my face the years I did not talk to her. Does she? no, she accepts me as me.  And loves me. And that is why I would never ever do that to her again.
Because of the way my parents "raised" me I have trouble getting close to people. It scares me.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  So I run.  But these  4 people take me back every time with open arms and they are my family and always will be.  Thats all I need. So Happy Fathers day to them today!
Happy Family day to you, Ursula, Katherine, Terri and Barb.

Zucchini_pancakes

Welome to my Adventures!

My first published photo!

Well sorta, it appeared on TV.  I didn't see it but a friend on FB did and took the  pic for me! 

I have been taking pictures for quite some time now. Since I bought that awesome EasyShare in Denver in 2005. Now that I have the Sony Cybershot DSC HX200v (twice) 

I have started taking it seriously. I still call myself an amateur Nature Photographer, but 

I have been going to Saturday morning Photoshop classes and now I have joined the 

TCCC, Twin Cities Camera Club, which is part of several clubs so I can go to a number

of lectures and now I can have my photo's critiqued as well as learn so much more about

photography.  

And Nature photography hikes!!! Even in winter they have been exhilarating. Here are two of my favorites.

Sometimes on a hike and hundreds of photos I only get one really good one. But it's worth it. 

I was gong through my photos and found this from one of my kayak outings when I lived on Tampa Bay.  Breathtaking! 

I think I am on to something. I have a hobby that gets me out, and now I am joining clubs and classes where I can meet people that like the same things.  I am definitely going to enter some competitions as well.  

This is me…..

I had just started my Spiritual Journey, I was quite naive but my life was pretty shitty so I needed to head in a different direction.It was very hard but I made good changes in my life and was starting to really become a whole person.  I always believed what people told me. In this picture it had to be, oh 2002. It was also the beginning of my career and moving forward slowly but surely to my dreams and goals. I believed I could do it, so I think that was the driving force of why I am where I am. No one told me I could not do it.  That, and always being in gratitude for what you have. I look at this picture. I just wanted a simple thing. To fall in love and be loved. I made a lot of really dumb choices in men. But at least at the time of this picture I was strong enough to recognize, remove and rebuild….with a lot of learning in the process.  This picture was taken when I was in my prime.  That was a long time ago.  I am not Prime any more. Just me. My career is gangbusters and doing even better than expected. I even have a more awesome opportunity happening tomorrow! More to come….  

I wish I could go back to the day this picture was taken. I would do so many things differently,  maybe I would have 10 years of happy memories and traditions that I would have been sharing with a husband I could have been with for over 10 years now. But I took a different route and my trust took me to very lonely places in my life. I am working with God to try to figure out the lessons I was supposed to learn. Why I allowed myself to lose such precious years. I am still strong so I am sure I will get through it. But my pain is observing friends and family today that have all these Holiday traditions they do every year with each other. Years of memories together.  I just want a tradition, a memory of something  "we" do every year with each other. I am old now. No one really wants to invest life with a misfit these days.  My Christmas wish is to go back to this day.  To make better decisions with my life and to have picked better. I would fill this hollow life with family traditions and memories. 

This is me now, and I AM doing well, and I am happy, as happy as a woman can be that doesn't have any traditions.   

I Am Exactly Where I Am Supposed To Be......Again.....

New me, new home!!!    Heaven, I'm in heaven! And I thank the Lord for always giving me the delights of my heart. I love being home. I love being able to see Ursula and Katherine, Barb and all my friends within a few minutes! Even in Lyndonville it was an hour drive to see any one!  I am doing my yoga,  I am running. I walk my boys every day along Tonawanda Creek! Sometimes more if the weather is good. The Weather!!! Its been GLORIOUS!!!!  Open windows with cool crisp breezes. And can we talk about my windows??? 20 feet high and I see the lovely N. Tonawanda and the creek, boats, runners, dog walkers. My job, oh I love it and believe me it challenges me every day. But I accept the challenge. It keeps my brain young that is for sure. 

So I need to make sure I keep to my word and not continue to keep repeating things that did not work in my past.  I am eating healthy. I am going to do more outdoors things even in the winter! Less drinking. Lets face it. Drinking does NOTHING good for me. I like a nice glass of wine here and there and I love to go out dancing to a great band. Across the street is The Dockside and they have all my favorite bands there. So yes! I will go. Im not going to give it up, just not as often. 

I want to explore and do different wonderful things. I am going to Kirtan Friday. I have always wanted to go and I am going darn it. I am going to do more Meetups that have hiking an kayaking and snowshoeing. More 5K races. I am also going to try the Niagara Climbing Center! There a a multitude of Farmers Markets to go to. Barb and I went to the Bidwell Pkwy one last Saturday and then walked Delaware Park even tho it was pouring rain in the morning it got better by 9.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

 My job has me traveling all over, Dallas, Manhattan, Boston. OH I have a Go Live Dec 18 in Manhattan so I can go ice skating at Rockefeller Center and take that off my bucket list soon!!!  2014 I will be traveling to Vegas twice for another client. God spoils me. My boys are even doing better. Jasper seems better now that I have him on a holistic diet. My 11 year old puppy no longer has the dementia he had in Florida.  Over the winter I will go to RV shows. I will get a nice luxury Class C. Not in a rush tho. I am doing my 90 days of JNL and then 90 days of Tapout XT. OH I WILL TRANSFORM this body, and I WILL post pics here. 

LOVING MY LIFE!! 

There's no place like home, I say that all the time!! NOW I get it.....

Soon! Ten more days and my wonderful friend Katherine will be flying down here just to drive home with me! We will take a nice 4 days to visit St Augustine, Myrtle Beach, Baltimore MD for crab cakes and then home! The more I think about my new home at the Remington Lofts, it is right in the middle of everything and my friends and cousin Ursula. I can have lunch with my old Fidelis friends too! 
God really guides me to the best. I just wish I didn't have so much freedom that I just pick up and move in the first place! I have no butt glue! Hahahahaha. 

I am listening to a radio show about forgiveness and if you do not forgive and hold a grudge you could get cancer.   So I thought about it. I don't have anyone to forgive, there is no one I am mad at or hold bad thoughts about. There are a few members of family that I do choose to no longer be in contact with. 
Only because we all are not close any way. They cling to terribly bad memories of me from my past. 
I have changed so much from that. In order for me to continue to grow and have peace in my life, I cannot have people in my life that drag me back to an old ghost of a person I was. 

My brother and his family have never really included me in their family activities. Birthdays or Holiday gatherings. So lets just leave it that way.  My daughter, I am just her bio-mom. Nothing more. And I accept that. There really is no place for me in her life. It would just disrupt her perfectly organized life. 
The fact that she has a wonderful life makes me happy and that is all I need to know now. The fact that she did not learn any of my awful faults makes me ecstatic. I want her to have peace NOW and not have to fight to find it over family traits and faults like I did. 

I thank God for my awesome friends and family that are so happy I am coming home! I thank God for the great job that I love that allows me to live ANYWHERE! I thank God for my boys who have been my close family now for 11 years. In my life longer than my dad or any husband, hahaha. 
I thank God for my awesome new Loft apartment. I thank God for a safe and pee our pants laughing road trip back home in a couple weeks!

The Best for Last

My adventures and my freedom has taken me many places. Because of my freedom I have ventured too far from home thinking that a gorgeous condo on Tampa bay watching dolphins and pelicans every day would be what is best for me. 
I always have to learn the hard way. I have friends and a cousin that miss me! I have co-workers from my old job that miss me! Why am I in paradise where I have no friends and no family? (That wants me) 
I have  been here a year, and it has been a very very lonely year. I was distracted by Florida's beauty and wonderfulness that I didn't realize that I am frigging ALONE every day. day in and day out. When I go places, when I venture out, when I go to the farmers market or the beach, or dinner at Tryst or the beach bars I am alway ALONE.  

So, I am returning home to where many many people want me to come home. I will cherish these people more than they KNOW! Really, They have no idea the fact that they are honest with me. Miss me!! 

Of course I still continue to live my awesome life. You think I would leave my gorgeous condo on Tampa Bay for just anything?  I always wanted to live in a loft apartment..... 

just another one of my dreams coming true

http://www.remingtonlofts.com/?page_id=12

My life is awesome. God Spoils me. 

I just wish the lessons I had to learn weren't so frigging expensive. If I had the money for every time I moved....yeah every time I move to be near Jeffery that asshole owes me at least  
50 grand. The fucker. But hey, my life is so much better now with out him.  

God Spoils Me

I have been so grateful to God that this is my home, my desk. I look out onto such an abundance of nature every day and I never have to leave my home. I got a kayak a few weeks ago and literally just got back from an awesome kayak on the bay this morning before 10 a.m.  Its been really windy all week so when the bay looked like glass out there I hurried and got in a quick paddle.  The biggest workout is carrying that thing up and down my stairs to the balcony!!! Hey any work out I will take! 
I found a great yoga on Create TV I do every morning as well.  
Jasper turned 11 yesterday! My little buddy, my rock, my travel companion, my family. It was a bittersweet happy birthday because, well, 11 my number, and 11 he is getting up there. He shows no signs of aging thank you Lord. He is still as spunky and grumpy as ever!!!  Jeffery is good too altho, he has gotten skinny because he does not eat when I board them at the kennel when I travel. A few months ago I traveled 5 out of 6 weeks. Portland Maine, Cleveland, San Diego, back to Cleveland, Detroit. All my projects all culminated at the same time.  Can we talk about my job? I love love love it. 
Granted that travel was extensive, but then for about 4 months I worked from my home and didn't travel at all.  It depends on the project.  My bosses have been awesome and encouraging.  I am living all my dreams.  I do still have that one issue. When I drink I turn into an asshole. I don't have a lot of friends here in St Petersburg, I was stupid to think I could make friends at bars, drinking. Those are not the kinds of people I really want as friends. I need to venture out to yoga classes, meditation classes. I would LOVE to find a live Kirtan group here. I need to find my earthy crunchy people!!! I will. I have to stop drinking all together. Even one drink leads to an asinine event on the internet. 
God has given me so much. God has granted so many of my hearts desires. Life is truly awesome right now. 

my daily view, soda water!!